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Jokes

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do....... Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was close to death from heat exhaustion.

The Lone Ranger got the horse watered and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to cool down and feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure, no worries Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and says, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

Ya left your injun runnin!"
That's a cracker. :laughing-rolling:
 
The Pope and an atheist are having a discussion about the existence of God, the discussion starts off very calmly but after a few hours gets very heated.
The Pope says YOU! coma here, you are like a man who is totally blindfolded, in a darka room, looking for a black cat that's not there!!
The atheist says excuse me your holiness but I think there is a great similarity between us both.
The Pope says whata you talking, a similarity?
Well says the atheist I think YOU are like a man who is totally blindfolded, in a dark room, looking for a black cat that's not there, the only difference is that you have found it.

Courtesy of Dave Allen
 
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This does have the groan factor in spades.

We went to an open air Queen tribute concert during a terrible electrical storm. Thunderbolts & lightning. Very, very frightening.
 
This Senior Citizen Has A "Senior Moment" And Comes To A Hilarious Realisation

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.


I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.


So, I decide to put the bills
back
on the table and take out the garbage first.


But then I think,
since I’m going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.


I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I’d been drinking.


I’m going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.


The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye–they need water.


I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that
I’ve been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I’m going to water the flowers.


I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.


I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I’ll be looking for the remote,
but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I’ll water the flowers.


I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn’t washed
the bills aren’t paid
there is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don’t have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can’t find the remote,
I can’t find my glasses,
and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all the damn day,
and I’m really tired.


I realize this is a serious problem,
and I’ll try to get some help for it,
but first I’ll check my e-mail….


Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don’t remember who the hell I’ve sent it to.


Don’t laugh — if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!!
 
A guy jumps in a cab, all frowning and grumbling and fuming. He asks: “Do you know where the Chippendales have their friggin’ male strippers show tonight?”

The driver hesitates, then replies “I guess so... Must be at the Red Donkey club.”

“OK, drive there.”

On the way, the client keeps on swearing and generally looking really, but really pissed off. As they reach the Red Donkey, he tells the driver: “Look, my wife was supposed to be at her mother’s house this evening, friend of mine told me that she’s here instead. Here is her picture. I’ll give you 100 quids if you go in and find her... I’m too pissed off to trust myself in there...”

The cabbie thinks it over, and says “OK, will do that.”

Five minutes later, here comes the cabbie out of the club. He’s dragging a woman by her hair, slapping her at every step, and giving her a good kick once in a while. The woman shrieks, bites, and is all nail-clawing at him.

He reaches the cab, opens the door and throws her in.

The client looks, and says “Sorry, man, but this is not my wife...!”

“No, this one is my wife... Am going back to fetch yours.”
 
My wife and I went to the auction mart at Tralee the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR

'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.


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On the subject of jokes, who remembers this TV series?

 
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