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Jokes

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then.

God, I love my new Taser!

Regards

Dave
 
Now on sale at IKEA, beds for lesbians. No nuts and bolts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.

Regards

Dave
 
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A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol, police say it is definitely race related.

Regards

Dave
 
Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard, she asked what products I used for grooming? She was a bit taken aback when I said Facebook.

Regards

Dave
 
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Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a tiny white area.....I've called him Bradford.

Regards

Dave
 
When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream, and then put a cherry on my head.

Yeah life was hard in the gateau.

Regards

Dave
 
Liked that Chas, I was just off to bed, now I am going to have nightmares!

Regards

Dave
 

It's been snowing all night. So ....

8:00 I made a snowman.

8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 So, I made a snow woman

8:17 My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's voluptuous

chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere

8:20 The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it should have

been two snowmen instead

8:22 The transgender ma..wom...person asked why I didn't just make one

snow person with detachable parts

8:25 The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot noses,

as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman must wear a burqa

8:40 Three Police cars arrive saying someone has been offended

8:42 The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow

woman needs to be removed because it depicts women in a domestic role

8:43 The council equalities officer arrived and threatened me with prosecution

8:45 A TV news crew shows up. I am asked if I know the difference

between snowmen and snowwomen? I reply, "Snowballs" and am called a sexist.

9:00 I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, pervert, racist, homophobic

sensibility offender bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices... my children are taken away by social services

9:29 Far left protesters offended by everything are marching down the

Street demanding for me to be beheaded

Moral: There is no moral to this story. It's just the world in which we live today!
 
I think this has been posted before but always good for a repeat.

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause:
When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."
 
Everybody on Earth dies and goes to Heaven.


The Lord comes along and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth.
The other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."


Said and done, the next time The Lord checked, the women are gone and there are two lines.


The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100’s long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.


The Lord got angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves! I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates!
Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud! Learn from him!
Tell them my son, why did you manage to be the only one in this line?"


And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
 
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