Apr 16, 2010
A man and his little boy were in line at the movies. The little boy was standing in front of his dad and in front of the little boy was a very large woman with a very wide behind stretched from one side to the other.
Well, the little boy looked at the woman’s behind and looked up at his dad. Afraid the little boy was about to say something embarrassing, the man told him to behave himself and not say anything. The little boy nodded his head in agreement.
But just at that moment the lady’s mobile beeper went off, and the little boy jumped back holding his arms out to protect his dad and shouted out, “Watch out Dad, she’s backing up!
The art of getting dirty and going broke
while slowly heading nowhere
and taking all day to do it!
A penguin is having trouble with his car, so he takes it to a mechanic.
The mechanic says it’ll take me about an hour to figure out what’s wrong with it so go to the shop next door and get an ice cream while you wait.
So the penguin goes next door and gets an ice cream. The penguin is having some trouble holding the ice cream with his little flippers and gets ice cream all over his face and beak.
When he walks back into the garage, the mechanic says, it looks like you blew a seal.
The penguin says, no, it’s just a little ice cream!
an old married couple are getting ready for bed when suddenly the old women burst out of the bathroom
throws open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!"
the old man says "I'll have the soup"......
A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”
The father replied, “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”
With that, the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Melvin there?”
The man answered, “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don’t you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?”
“See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something, and we annoyed him. Now watch . . .”
The father dialed the same number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father.
“Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number, and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You’ve got a lot of nerve calling again!” The receiver was slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said, “You see, that was anger. Now I’ll show you what exasperation means.”
He dialed the same number, and a violent voice roared, “HELLO!”
The father calmly said, “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”
Some Yankee ads you don,t see now.
Old MacDonald raises all his livestock in accordance with the European Integrated Economic Infrastructure Organisation.
Talk about coincidence - BBC NEWS: Three Cliff Walkers have fallen to their death on an expedition....
I can't believe they all had the same name....
That one was so bad i had to laugh Andy
Mary had a little lamb
She took it to bed to keep it warm.
The lamb turned out to be a Ram,
Mary had a little lamb.
Mary had a little lamb
but now the lamb is dead
so she took it to school each day
between two chunks of bread
The Queen and Teresa May were on the same stage in front of a huge crowd for The Celebrations. When the Queen leaned toward an said to Mrs may...
"Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy...? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice".....
May arrogantly replied, "I seriously doubt that with one little wave of your hand you could do all that...Show me"...!!!
So the Queen, with one swift wave smacked her in the gob....
I took my wife out for a romantic dinner after quite some time.
We got carried away and began playing footsie under the table.
I had a delicious steak for dinner and she got toed in the hole.
May have been posted before, forgive me if it has
Bert, at 80 years old, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
"Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret at age 75, looked him over and replied, "Nope."
Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time,
"Notice anything different NOW???"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response,
"Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yells out,
"AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
Without missing a beat old Margaret replies,
"Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."
A wealthy old man goes for his regular round of golf with his friends but this time he brings along a beautiful young lady.
“Guys, meet my prospective bride” he says, full of pride as he introduces her to his friends.
For the rest of the afternoon his friends can’t take their eyes off the charming beauty.
After the golf the rich man goes up to the bar to buy drinks for the group.
One of his friends goes with him and when at the bar asks him,”How on earth did you manage to hook up with such a beautiful young woman? You’re sixty seven. She must be at least forty years younger than you!”
The old rich guy says, “I lied about my age.”
His friend says, ”And she believed you? How old did you say you were?”
“I told her I was ninety five.”
Some bloke sat next to me on the train today and pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?”
I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
Definition of a gentleman?... a man that knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.
I've been spammed by a bloke called Buster.he keeps sending me vids of seventies glam rock group The sweet.does anyone know the way to block buster?
Separate names with a comma.