1. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    Andy, as soon as I see there has been a joke left by 'AndycruiserguyLomas' I groan even before I read it. :lol: :lol:
     
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  2. Ian Rubie

    Ian Rubie Moderator I am in uk

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    TOOLS EXPLAINED

    DRILL PRESS
    A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

    WIRE WHEEL
    Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh --'

    SKIL SAW
    A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    PLIERS
    Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

    BELT SANDER
    An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    HACKSAW
    One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS
    Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH
    Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your workshop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

    TABLE SAW
    A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK
    Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

    BAND SAW
    A large stationary power saw primarily used by most workshops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the rubbish bin after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST
    A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER
    Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER
    A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

    PRY BAR
    A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.

    HOSE CUTTER
    A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER
    Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

    UTILITY KNIFE
    Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

    Son of a b*tch TOOL
    Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
     
  3. clivehorridge

    clivehorridge Well-Known Member Guru I am in romania

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    I normally have a good laugh to myself before reading Andy’s jokes, Mike...

    That way, im not disappointed when I do eventially read it :lol::lol::lol:
     
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  4. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    No Clive, there is no disappointment in Andy's jokes, I'm sure he knows we are laughing with him not at him. Keep it up Andy.
     
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  5. clivehorridge

    clivehorridge Well-Known Member Guru I am in romania

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    :text-+1: :lol: Oops, got that wrong, I thought I was replying to @chapel gate , sorry guys...
     
  6. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    A girl goes into a bar.


    She says, “Bartender, give me a double Jack Daniel’s.”


    He gives her a double triple Jack Daniel’s, and she belts it down. She has five more in a row, belts them all down, passes out dead drunk, and everybody in the bar f*ks her.


    The next night, she walks into the bar, and says, “Bartender, give me a double Jack Daniel’s.”


    He gives her a double Jack Daniel’s, and she belts it down. She has five more in a row, belts them all down, passes out dead drunk, and everybody in the bar f*ks her again.


    The next night, she walks into the bar and says, “Bartender, give me a double Tequila.”


    He says, “I thought you drank Jack Daniel’s.”


    She says, “Not any more. Jack Daniel’s makes my pussy sore.”
     
  7. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    For Chas and Clive.

    I met a dwarf called Peter, he's a baker and he told me all about baking flatbreads, it was fascinating.

    I love the Pita patter of tiny Pete.

    How low can these get???
     
    Pat, clivehorridge and Chas like this.
  8. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    Improving Andy, improving.
     
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  9. clivehorridge

    clivehorridge Well-Known Member Guru I am in romania

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    Does he pick pecks of pickled peppers, as well by chance?:crazy:
     
    Pat likes this.
  10. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    Here's one for you Andy,
    My wife warned me not to take the kitchen utensils, but it's a whisk I'm willing to take. :laughing-rolling:
     
    Pat and silvercruiser like this.
  11. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member I am in england

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  12. Vincent Cam

    Vincent Cam New Member I am in australia

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  13. hopeless wanderer

    hopeless wanderer Well-Known Member I am in england

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    Now that Egypt, Morocco and Saudi have crashed out of the world cup...
    It seems England is the only Islamic country left in the tournament.
     
    Pat, Chas, Julian T and 1 other person like this.
  14. Andy

    Andy Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    A man went to the doctor for a full examination. The doctor told the man ' you really should stop masturbating' why said the man. Doctor said because I am trying to examine you..................
     
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  15. notsodusty

    notsodusty Well-Known Member I am in australia

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    Men Teaching Classes for Women at
    THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
    REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
    By July 28, 2018
    NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
    OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .

    Class 1
    Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
    Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
    Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs. beginning at 7:00 PM.

    Class 2
    Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
    Round Table Discussion.
    Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

    Class 3
    Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
    Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 AM for 2 hours.

    Class 4
    Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
    Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

    Class 5
    Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
    Examples on Video.
    Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday fo r 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

    Class 6
    How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
    Help Line Support and Support Groups.
    Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

    Class 7
    Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
    Open Forum ..
    Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

    Class 8
    Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
    Three nights; Monday , Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

    Class 9
    I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
    Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

    Class 10
    How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
    Driving Simulations.
    4 weeks, Saturday's noon , 2 hours.
    Class 11

    Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .
    Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.

    Class 12
    How to Shop by Yourself.
    Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday fo r 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

    Send this to all your guy friends for the best chuckle of their day...
    And to all your gal friends who have a sense of humor!

    From Guys in the Witness Protection Program
     
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  16. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    Sorry NSD, most of those are physically impossible for most females, just sayin'
     
    clivehorridge likes this.
  17. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    Pay attention Andy Lumas, this one is for you;

    .
    tell.jpg
     
  18. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    They told me straight away at the interview that I wasn't suitable for the job.

    "You haven't had any experience in the restaurant business as a Sous Chef, have you?" they said.

    "How could you tell?" I asked.

    "Well," came the reply, "The Eagle feathers and warpaint was a giveaway."
     
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  19. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    Grrooooaaaannnn.
     
  20. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    And.....

    Little known fact about England footballer Danny Welbeck.

    His father Stan was in the bomb disposal unit .
     
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