Apr 16, 2010
Just been to the A&E with a golf ball stuck up me arse. I asked the doctor if he could remove it. He said he doesn't think so it's up a fairway.
A toothless termite walk into a bar and asked..
"Is the bar tender here? " ...................................... boom boom .
A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.
"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a
gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to
leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the
largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face,
kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the
I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the **** out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago."
I said to the missus:
Be honest. What would you really like to do with my body.
She replied: Identify it.
A young couple Harlan and Goldie had just finished having remarkable sex.
Afterwards, Goldie looked in the box of condoms and saw that it was empty. She asked her boyfriend, “What happened to the two other condoms?”
Harlan rather nervously and shiftily replied, “Ummm, I played by myself with them.”
The next day Goldie went to one of her male friends and told him what had happened. Then she said to her friend, “Have you ever done that?”
Her friend replied, “Yeah, a few times.”
Gloria said, “You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a condom before?”
“Oh! Sorry, I misunderstood,” he said, “I thought you were asking if I had ever lied to my girlfriend.”
"I have good news and bad news."
"Tell me Doc what's the bad news?"
"I'm afraid you have Alzheimers disease."
"Christ, what's the good news?"
"At least you can go home and forget about it."
"Forget about what."
A German, a Frenchman and a Brit are at lunch, and the Brit and Frenchman are wrangling over who has the most beautiful language.
The Brit says, "Butterfly, now doesn't that just conjure a picture of a lovely creature, all colors, flitting and fluttering about? What could be more beautiful?"
The Frenchman snorts, "Clumsy! Papillion, now that even sounds like the clap of delicate wings!"
The German, fed up by now with all this, slaps a hand in the table and growls, "Und vot, I ask, is wrong mit schmetterling?"
David Beckham's 2nd son arrived for football training.
He asked the coach "What number shirt am I?"
The coach said "Wear four out there Romeo"....
Good to see you're keeping up your usual standard Andy.
Police attending an incident in Liverpool returned to their car to find it up on bricks
Officers are working tyrelessly to find the culprit.
You're slipping Andy.
TAKE CARE WHEN YOU SUNBATHE!
A man fell asleep on the beach in TORQUAY for four hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to the front of his legs above his knee.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours....
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?'
The Doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.!
I found my German Shepherd, Hondo, with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit was dead, and I panicked.. I took the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. I gave it a bath, blew dried its fur, and put it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they would think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor asked me, "Don, did you hear that Fluffy died?"
I said, "Um... no... what happened?"
The neighbor replied, "We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath, and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick fuckers out there!"
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his
father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades
up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your
hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the
offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades
up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm
disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."
The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the
Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong
evidence that Jesus had long hair."
(You're going to love the Dad's reply!)
"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"
In a London Nursing home an old priest lay dying.
For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation’s capital.
He motioned for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see Teresa May and Jeremy Corbyn before I die," whispered the priest.
"I’ll see what I can do, Father," replied the nurse.
... The nurse sent the request to No 10 and waited for a response.
Soon word arrived; Teresa and Jeremy would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Teresa commented to Corbyn, "I don’t know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images."
Corbyn agreed that it was the right thing to do at this time.
When they arrived at the priest’s room, the priest took Teresa’s hand in his right hand and Corbyn's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face.
The old priest slowly said, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ."
"Amen," said Teresa
"Amen," said Corbyn
The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying, thieving bastards; and I would like to do the same...."
Separate names with a comma.