Apr 16, 2010
Just been to the A&E with a golf ball stuck up me arse. I asked the doctor if he could remove it. He said he doesn't think so it's up a fairway.
A toothless termite walk into a bar and asked..
"Is the bar tender here? " ...................................... boom boom .
A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.
"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a
gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to
leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the
largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face,
kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the
I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the **** out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago."
I said to the missus:
Be honest. What would you really like to do with my body.
She replied: Identify it.
A young couple Harlan and Goldie had just finished having remarkable sex.
Afterwards, Goldie looked in the box of condoms and saw that it was empty. She asked her boyfriend, “What happened to the two other condoms?”
Harlan rather nervously and shiftily replied, “Ummm, I played by myself with them.”
The next day Goldie went to one of her male friends and told him what had happened. Then she said to her friend, “Have you ever done that?”
Her friend replied, “Yeah, a few times.”
Gloria said, “You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a condom before?”
“Oh! Sorry, I misunderstood,” he said, “I thought you were asking if I had ever lied to my girlfriend.”
"I have good news and bad news."
"Tell me Doc what's the bad news?"
"I'm afraid you have Alzheimers disease."
"Christ, what's the good news?"
"At least you can go home and forget about it."
"Forget about what."
A German, a Frenchman and a Brit are at lunch, and the Brit and Frenchman are wrangling over who has the most beautiful language.
The Brit says, "Butterfly, now doesn't that just conjure a picture of a lovely creature, all colors, flitting and fluttering about? What could be more beautiful?"
The Frenchman snorts, "Clumsy! Papillion, now that even sounds like the clap of delicate wings!"
The German, fed up by now with all this, slaps a hand in the table and growls, "Und vot, I ask, is wrong mit schmetterling?"
David Beckham's 2nd son arrived for football training.
He asked the coach "What number shirt am I?"
The coach said "Wear four out there Romeo"....
Good to see you're keeping up your usual standard Andy.
Police attending an incident in Liverpool returned to their car to find it up on bricks
Officers are working tyrelessly to find the culprit.
You're slipping Andy.
Separate names with a comma.