Apr 16, 2010
I went to a fancy lingerie shop to get a gift for my wife and I asked the assistant 'Are these panties satin'? she said 'No, they're brand new'
Lego drum kits
If you can't beat them
Well here's a gem about a young stoker who wanted to join the circus after his time in the Pusser.
Lion Tamer Job Offer
A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer and two young people showed up.
One was a good-looking lad(our stoker lad) in his mid-twenties and the other was a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner told them, "I'm not going to sugarcoat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you're history.
Here's your equipment: chair, whip, and a gun.
Who wants to try out first?"
The girl said, "I'll go first." She walked past the chair, the whip, and the gun and stepped right into the lion's cage.
The lion started to snarl and pant and began to charge her. About half way there, she threw open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her and started licking her ankles.
He continued to lick her calves, kissed them and then rested his head at her feet.
The circus owner’s mouth was on the floor.
He said, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."
He then turned to the young man and asked, "Can you top that?"
The young man replied, "No problem, just get that fucking lion out of the way."
I was just thinking.......... Some scrabble tiles got stuck under my sandwich and I swallowed them. I'm thinking that my next visit to the loo could spell disaster.
I think they should legalise cannabis and use the revenue on road repairs, they could call it Operation Pothole.
Man dies of boredom
"How did you lose your hands?", asked a bloke in the pub.
"I stole a fish in the Middle East", I replied.
"It was so big that I couldn't run fast enough and they caught me."
"How big was it?" he asked.
I held my arms out wide and said, "A bit bigger than that."
Oh cruel, cruel.
“Do Not Touch” must be one of the most scary things to read in braille
Today I heard of the Muslim dyslexic claims the one true lah la.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius.
But did you know his brother Frank was an absolute monster!
Theresa May went into Burger King and asked for 2 whoppers.
The assistant said; "OK, You're a fantastic PM and your handling of Brexit is amazing!”
Went to the Doctors today and I've been diagnosed with chronic fear of giants,........he called it . . . . . Feefiphobia.
You must be on the mend Chas, You havnt lost your Humour
A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden.
I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:
"Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there, do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"
Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, one Christmas he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After about a year of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Stan, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00."
"Great", says Jeff, "after a year out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Stan is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinkin!" "Not a problem" says Jeff. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting too." "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right and, if not, I can handle myself pretty well .....I'll be there. Thanks again."
"More 'n’ likely be some wild sex, too,"
"Now that's really not a problem" says Jeff, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."
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