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Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
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- A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russell Crowe film. - Gladiator? - No, I really miss her.
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Is it possible to donate skin from your buttock to a none relative?
Arse skin for a friend
Arse skin for a friend
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a man from Claddaghduff, Ireland answered his door to find two grim-faced Constables.
"We're sorry, Mr. O’Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said one of the officers
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O’Flynn asked.
The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing ...the worst, Mr. O’Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."
The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay."
"Lord Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O’Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"
The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. O’ Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"
The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
"We're sorry, Mr. O’Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said one of the officers
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O’Flynn asked.
The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing ...the worst, Mr. O’Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."
The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay."
"Lord Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O’Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"
The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. O’ Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"
The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
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One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw.
Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'. Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm.
The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thingamabob. So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to hospital. Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.
The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'. And sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.
Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.' Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.'
'No', says the nurse, 'Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated
Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'. Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm.
The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thingamabob. So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to hospital. Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.
The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'. And sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.
Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.' Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.'
'No', says the nurse, 'Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated
notsodusty
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notsodusty
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Two priests are in a bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicobate patch on it. He laughs and says,'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.' The other priest replies, 'It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day.'
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless Sundress, Walked into a bar in Dublin ..
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,
"What man here will buy a woman drink?
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed,
"Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked,
"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another Drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,
"What man here will buy a woman drink?
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed,
"Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked,
"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another Drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
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Japan Airlines have introduced a stringent new sobriety test after a pilot called Katsutoshi Jitsukawa was arrested at Heathrow for being 9 times over the legal limit.
The test consists of being able to say ‘Katsutoshi Jitsukawa.’
The test consists of being able to say ‘Katsutoshi Jitsukawa.’
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"Mummy,where does Poo come from?" "Well Son,when we eat something,it goes down into our tummies, gets all mushed up and comes out of our bottoms as poo." "Oh ok, then what about Tigger?"
Old Josh was sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair when he noticed his grand-son kneeling on the lawn with a worm.
When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came.
"If you can get that worm back in that hole I'll give you ten dollars," said Josh.
His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house.
A few minutes later he returned with his mother's hair spray. He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray. The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard. It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole.
Old Josh was amazed. He gave the boy ten dollars, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.
About an hour later Josh came back into the garden and gave his grand-son another ten dollars.
"But grandpa," said the boy, "you've already given me the ten dollars you promised."
"That's from your grandma," said Josh.
When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came.
"If you can get that worm back in that hole I'll give you ten dollars," said Josh.
His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house.
A few minutes later he returned with his mother's hair spray. He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray. The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard. It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole.
Old Josh was amazed. He gave the boy ten dollars, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.
About an hour later Josh came back into the garden and gave his grand-son another ten dollars.
"But grandpa," said the boy, "you've already given me the ten dollars you promised."
"That's from your grandma," said Josh.
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I've invented an entrance for restaurant kitchens, made out of crushed Crustacea claws and shells that will keep the heat in during a fire.
I have high hopes for my Lobster Thermal Door.
I have high hopes for my Lobster Thermal Door.
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I was just thinking........The border police have finally come to their senses.......It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use water cannons on rioters. They are putting some Tide washing powder in to stop the coloureds from running.
