1. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10p." They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.

    Graeme, the old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?'

    There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender ...serves up four iced martinis-shaken, not stirred-and says, 'That'll be 10p each, please.'

    The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their martinis, and order another round.

    Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, 'That's 40p, please.' They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a £1 yet.
    Finally one of them says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 10p a piece?'

    'I'm a retired tailor,' the bartender says, 'and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. wine, liquor, beer-it's all the same.'

    'Wow! That's some story!' one of the men says.
    As the four of them sip at their martinis, they notice seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

    Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'

    The bartender says, 'They're retired people from Yorkshire. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price.'
     
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  2. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    :laughing-rolling:

    That had all the hallmarks of a good joke Chas, until the last line. I'm not sure what you're trying to say.
     
  3. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    It's just saying Yorkshire folk are 'careful' with their cash. :icon-wink:
     
  4. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    The young Italian girl Maria from Portsmouth was very depressed and decided to commit suicide by throwing herself into the sea.

    Just before she could throw herself from the pier, a handsome young man Austin stopped her.

    Austin: “There are many reasons to live” he said. “I’m a sailor and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy. When we arrive to Italy you will be glad you’re alive.”

    Maria accepted the offer. Because there was nothing to lose.

    That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the ship’s hold.

    From then on, every night, he would bring for her food, bottles of drinks, and make love to her until dawn.

    Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

    The Captain asked “What are you doing here?”

    Jasmin: “I have an arrangement with Austin,” she replied. “He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy.”

    The Captain says: “I see,”

    Jasmin: “Plus, he’s screwing me.”

    “He certainly is,” replied the captain. “This is the Isle of Wight Ferry.
     
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2019
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  5. clivehorridge

    clivehorridge Well-Known Member Supporter Guru I am in romania

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    Who’s Jasmine.... ?

    Now I’m worried about Maria, did she drown or not?

    I’m confused, from România :lol: :lol:
     
  6. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    Ah! I for got to change that name when I copied and pasted, will edit now, BTW Maria is fine and has a bouncing baby girl. :lol:
     
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  7. clivehorridge

    clivehorridge Well-Known Member Supporter Guru I am in romania

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    That’s a relief :dance: :lol:
     
  8. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour was asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

    "I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies

    "O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."

    "Do you have a partner then?"

    "No, I'm unattached; I'll be having my baby on my own."
    After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby boy, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"

    "Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."

    "Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

    "Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"

    "Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."

    "Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

    At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,

    "Well thank fook for that!"

    "What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

    "Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"
     
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  9. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    Every time I ask what LGBT stands for, I can never get a straight answer...
     
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  10. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    A Rolls Royce pulls up beside a cyclist. The driver is smoking a large cigar and is very smartly dressed. The cyclist taps on the window and says to the driver " Excuse me sir but I see that you are driving a beautiful car can I ask how you can afford it ? "
    The driver replies " I work for Cunard " " Well sir " replies the cyclist " I work f*cking hard too but I can`t afford anything like that "
     
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  11. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    Just for the record, those born in 33 were 45 in 78
    _____________________________________________________

    Q... Why do mice have small balls?

    A... Not many of them like to dance...

    ______________________________________________________

    Bloke went to the Docs cos he had a golf ball stuck up his arse. “Can you get it out” he siad
    Doc said “I don’t know it’s up a fair way”
     
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2019
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  12. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    Here's a corny one for Andy Lomas.

    for 80's music fans.
    My neighbour who, keeps a bird of prey, will only clean its house at night.
    That's right: Our Kestrel man hoovers in the dark
     
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  13. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    I spent five hundred quid on a limo rental with no driver. All that money and nothing to chauffeur it.


    Why do I have to press one for English when I just get transfered to someone I can't understand anyway?
     
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2019
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  14. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    I was just talking to a mate of mine, he told that he had just asked his wife what she wanted for Valentines day. He said she said she wanted a divorce.
    I said that must of come as a terrible shock.
    He said yeah it was, I was devastated .... I really wasn't expecting to spend that much."
     
  15. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    Another bloke went to the doctor and told him I have a cricket ball stuck up my arse.
    "How's that" he asked.
     
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  16. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    My dad was a mime artist in the 50's but he never talked about it.
     
  17. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    Went to the fuel station on Valentines day, well the wife told me to take her somewhere expensive.
     
  18. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    I used to be a painter, some of my stuff is on display at the National Gallery, . . . I did the skirting boards.
     
  19. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    The Koreans have released a new instant snack food for vegetarians.

    It's called;

    Not Poodle...
     
  20. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    Union bosses are blaming Brexit as Honda plans to shut down its Swindon plant in 2022.

    Swindon's MP Justin Tomlinson insisted the decision was not down to Britain's departure from the EU and Honda are leaving by their own Accord
     
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