Jokes

[Chas]

I went into my local Chinese takeaway last night and got talking to the owner of the shop.

'What you do for a riving, then?', he said.

'What do I do for a living, you mean?'

...
'Yes..'

'I'm a comedian', I replied.

'Go on then, change colour', he said

'No! I'm not a chameleon, I'm a comedian'

'Oh right, tell me joke then. Make me raff', he said.

Just then in the kitchen, I noticed his wok was on fire with my meal in it.

'Wok! Wok!', I shouted.

'Who's dare..', he said.

Sod this, I thought.

I'm off to the Indian.

 

[Chas]

The wife ran over my bike with her car the other day, apparently it's my fault for leaving it in the shed!

 

[Chas]

A Chinese woman goes to a bank to exchange some yen for some dollars.
When the teller gives her the US dollars she counts it and says, "why you give me less dolla for the same amount of yen I gave you yesterday?
The teller says, "Fluctuations!"
The Chinese lady's eyes grow big and round and she says, "Well fluc you white people too!"

 

[Chas]

.

 

[Chas]

Tell the Punchline first.

How do you ruin a joke?

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eaves dropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals".
"Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10?! But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard, he's never been out of the garden."

 

[Chas]

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.
The barman says, 'You ain't from around here, are ya?'
The guy says, 'No, I'm from Canada.'
The bartender says, 'What do you do in Canada?'...
The guy says, 'I'm a taxidermist.'
The bartender says, 'A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?'
'No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I stuff animals.'
The bartender grins and yells, ' He's okay boys, he's one of us.

 

[Chas]

I was standing behind a mum and her young son. Her boy kept looking around and pulling funny faces at me.
After a few minutes, I got tired of his antics, so I said, "When I was young, my mum told me that if I made a ugly face and the wind changed, I'd stay that way."
The little Shit replied,"Well, you can't say you weren't warned."
.
Fucking hate kids

 

[Chas]

My parents asked me what I wanted for Christmas, they said whatever I wanted, they'd make sure I got it.
So I asked for a bike.
For 2 years, I've been waiting. They kept reassuring me that I am going to get one but they can't decide what kind of bike.
They are up all night arguing about it. When I complain, they say I had no idea what I was asking for when I asked for a bike, nor how extremely difficult it is to get a bike.
They now say that it might not be possible but they are thinking about giving me a second chance to choose my present. I hate having politicians for parents

 

[Chas]

We've lost the dodo, Dodi, Di, Dando and Doddy. I guess Dido is shitting herself right now.

 

[clivehorridge]

We've lost the dodo, Dodi, Di, Dando and Doddy. I guess Dido is shitting herself right now.

Try telling that one from memory down the pub after a skin-full

 

[Chas]

Terrorists have planted a bomb in a factory that makes 'Alphabetti Spaghetti'.

Police say if it goes off, it could spell disaster

 

[Pat]

That had all the hallmarks of a good joke Chas, until the last line. I'm not sure what you're trying to say.

Aw Andy it was good

 

[Chas]

An oldie but a goldie.

 

[Shayne]

that ones coming to the pub with me Thursday Chas

 

[clivehorridge]

that ones coming to the pub with me Thursday Chas

Classic it’ll go down well in Barry Shayne

 

[Chas]

The whole Russian Paralympic Wheelchair Rugby team has been banned from the next Paralympics.
They all tested positive for WD40.

 

[Chas]

Three corpse's arrived at the mortuary on the same day, all with smiles on their faces.
The police inspector asked the coroner the cause of death..
The coroner replied.

"1st body, 70 year old Englishman, massive heart attack, died whilst making love to his 25 year old mistress. Hence the smile "

...
2nd body, 23 year old Scotsman, won £1000 on the lottery, spent it on whisky and died whilst drinking himself into an alcoholic stupor. Hence the smile."

"3rd body, 34 year old Irishman, struck by lightening."
"But why the smile?" Asked the inspector.
"Because." Replied the coroner. "He thought he was having his photo taken!"

 

[Chas]

I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector today.

The constant loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

 

[Chas]

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him.
He had never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you, Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really,
really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every
Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the
back of church.
So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't
need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt
Not Steal 'ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. “No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’, I remembered where I'd left me hat.