1. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    Just a thought, When James Bond is out of the country, is he known as +44 07?
     
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  2. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    A Priest goes to the dentist for a new set of false teeth.
    The first Sunday sermon after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
    The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
    The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
    The congregation had to grab him to get him down from the pulpit ! ...
    When they asked him what happened.
    The Priest explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes.
    The second Sunday his gums still hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.
    But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and just couldn't shut up!
     
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  3. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    Well the day is nearly here. Wish me luck in the London Marathon, this weekend.
    I managed a respectable, 3 hours, 12 minutes and 9 seconds, last year.

    This year, I will try to beat that but I usually get bored and end up turning over to watch something else.
     
  4. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    I took the shell off of my racing snail today so he could go a bit faster.....but if anything it's made him more sluggish
     
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  5. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    Just been reading a book on making your own garden furniture by Irish designer Patty O'chair
     
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  6. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
     
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  7. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    Two young brothers, were spending a night at their grandparents. One night at bedtime, they knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest began praying at the top of his lungs.

    "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
    I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...
    I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
    His brother leaned over and nudged him and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

    "I know" he replied, "But Grandma is!"
     
    Last edited: May 4, 2019
  8. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    Subject: the British Penny.
    .
    EU Directive No. 456179
    In order to bring about further integration with the Single European currency, all citizens of the
    United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase
    'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 31st May 2019 ....
    From this date onwards, the correct terminology
    .
    will be: 'Euronating'.
     
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  9. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    .

    bra.jpg
     
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  10. joinerman

    joinerman Well-Known Member

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    5.0 out of 5 starsVeet -- the Men's Hair Removal Gel Creme (from hell) . . .
    30 July 2012

    After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.

    Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.

    I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

    At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.

    Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg.

    Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair.Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.

    I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned.

    Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse.

    This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.

    The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

    Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good "

    Understandingly this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.

    I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...

    So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect....... :-
     
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  11. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    Just been down to Tesco to get a sandwich and some crisps. And the girl at the checkout asked me if I wanted to go for a drink?
    I told her, I have a wife and that I was flattered but I couldn’t.
    She replied “no it's part of the meal deal” I'm never leaving the house again.
     
  12. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    A sailor has docked in Tokyo port and he decides to go out for a drink. After a shed full of beer he feels a bit peckish so he goes into a seafood restaurant where you can pick out your own live meal swimming in the tank." Can I help you Sir ? " asks the waiter " Yes mate I fancies a bit of squid " the sailor replies .So the waiter leads him over to the tank where all shapes and colours of squid are swimming about. "What about this one Sir ? " asks the waiter holding up a dark green one."No thanks " says the sailor " What about this one ? " the waiter asks holding up a yellow one, "No thanks " the sailor replied , when all of a sudden he spots a light green one with a moustache, he rubs his eyes thinking " I ain't that pissed " so he has another look and sure enough its got a moustache ". I'll have that one there " 'pointing at the squid with the moustache " So the waiter calls the French Chef, who’s name is Jervais and tells him to prepare the squid, and Jervais is about to slice the squid up when it looks up at him with a tear in its eye and Jervais throws down the knife and says "I can’t do it” so the waiter call the German dishwasher from the kitchen who’s name is Hans and tells him to do it, but the same thing happens and Hans can’t cut the squid which just goes to show Hans that does dishes can be soft as Jevais with a Mild Green Hairy Lip Squid !!!
     
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  13. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    Question.

    How do you recognize a vegan?

    Answer.

    They tell you.
     
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  14. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    A pirate bought a pair of earrings for $2.
    .
    Not bad for a buccaneer
     
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  15. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    I've just had a call from a solicitor, my great uncle has left me an estate in his will.
    Unfortunately though, a 1989 Ford Sierra isn't worth much.
     
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  16. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    A man who worked for the Samaritans tried to call in sick. But they talked him out of it
     
    Last edited: May 28, 2019
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  17. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    Jamie Oliver’s restaurants have all closed. They’ve gone into administrone . . . . .
     
  18. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    Got a taxi to the launderette.
    .
    It cost me £30. I think I've been taken to the cleaners
     
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  19. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    I had a chair lift installed but it's so slow by the time I get up the stairs the viagra has worn off !!
    .
     
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  20. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

    She approached him, smiled and said, “Hello. My name is Carmen.”

    “That’s a beautiful name,” he replied. “Is it a family name?”

    “No,” she replied. “As a matter of fact, I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore, I chose ‘Carmen.'”

    “Is that so?” the man asked, highly amused.

    “It is,” she nodded, then asked, “What’s your name?”

    Without missing a beat, he answered, “B. J. Titsenbikes”
     
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