Jokes

[Graham]

Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf. Paddy said, 'I gonna do that when I win lottery'



'What's dat, says his mate.
'Send me lawn away to be cut'.

.
.
I just explained this to my girl, and she is in fit's of laughter.
Must be the Chinese, but it was very funny though.
I think she is going to tell all her friends now about how the Irish send their lawn away to be cut.



Graham

 

[Ecky Thump]

How Moses Got the Ten Commandments - !!

God went to the Arabs and said,
"I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.
The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shall not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."

God went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
"Honor thy Father and Mother."
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested."

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said
"Thou shall not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."

Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said,
"Thou shall not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10."

There -- that ought to offend just about everybody.

 

[Chas]

Hope this is not racist

http://www.animatronics.org/strangers/strangers.htm

 

[Graham]

How Moses Got the Ten Commandments - !!

God went to the Arabs and said,
"I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.
The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shall not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."

God went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
"Honor thy Father and Mother."
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested."

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said
"Thou shall not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."

Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said,
"Thou shall not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10."

There -- that ought to offend just about everybody.

.
.
Naw, you left out the one's from mecca, or are they arabs ?

Must try better next time.

Graham

 

[Chas]

Harry the Eagle


One day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years, after a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!

Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.

So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.

The sex was good but all the dove would say is ......... 'I am a DOVE, I want to make love! I am a DOVE, I want to make love!'

Well this so got on Harry's nerves after a while so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find another mate..

He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say was........'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon.

So once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....








NO, no, The duck didn't say THAT!







... Don't be SO disgusting!




The duck said....













'I am a DRAKE,
You made a MISTAKE!!

 

[Crispin]

BAD WEATHER IN ENGLAND

I'VE JUST HEARD FROM A FRIEND IN THE NORTH OF ENGLAND.

HE SAYS IT'S BEEN SNOWING HEAVILY FOR THREE DAYS NOW,

AND HIS WIFE HAS DONE NOTHING BUT STARE THROUGH THE WINDOW.

IF IT DOESN'T STOP SOON HE SAYS, HE'LL PROBABLY HAVE TO LET HER IN.

 

[Chas]

Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants" and add just a few more letters, it spells out:
"Go home you benefit-grabbing, kid-producing, violent, non-English speaking freeloaders and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, goat-loving, rag-head b*st*ds with you"?

 

[Nuclear Chicken]

Did you hear the one about bloke who crashed his Land Cruiser into a wall, wrote it off and bought a Volvo XC90 instead?

Yes, sorry, but it's true.

 

[TonyP]

Did you hear the one about bloke who crashed his Land Cruiser into a wall, wrote it off and bought a Volvo XC90 instead?

Yes, sorry, but it's true.

noooooooooooo

 

[Dave Docwra]

I thought he had it repaired

 

[Chas]

Did you hear the one about bloke who crashed his Land Cruiser into a wall, wrote it off and bought a Volvo XC90 instead?

Yes, sorry, but it's true.

It's only part true, . . . . I didn't buy a Volvo.

 

[Jon Wildsmith]

I think NC is talking about himself chaps

 

[Chas]

I think NC is talking about himself chaps

Yeah, I realised that Jon. I just thought I'd put my two penn'th in for a laugh

 

[Chas]

IRISH FAMILY TRADITION


Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Paddy,stepped out of the boat ... and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother. “Grandma,” he asked, "it's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya stupid eedjit ."

 

[Gary Stockton]

Rednecks ...

A redneck family is visiting the big city when they land up in a multi-storey department store. While Maw walks around gawking at all the new-fangled stuff like irons and washing machines, Paw and his son get bored and start wandering.

Soon they come to a set of doors in a wall. People would walk up to them, press a button and the doors would open. After they got in, the doors would shut. Some lights on top would flash and then the doors would open again and an entirely different-looking person would get out - sometimes not even the same sex!!

After watching in stunned amazement as an old wizened woman goes in, the doors open, close, lights flash and doors open to reveal a stunningly beautiful woman - a few times - Paw leans over to his son and whispers excitedly:

"Go git yo ma, boy - I've got me a idea!!"

 

[Crispin]

 

[Crispin]

A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine
restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to
their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says
she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce

it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more

summers in Tuscany , no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club.
But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.


"Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," says the wife

 

[Crispin]

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence,
"Get well soon!" From the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week"!

Kinda brings tears to your eyes doesn't it???

 

[Gary Stockton]

Kinda reminds me of this one:

A bloke is driving around in the Australian bush and because it's Australia his ute has got a 'roo bar on the front. Suddenly he hits something, so he gets out and sees that there's a pig wedged between his 'roo bar and his truck. He tries to get it out but it's stuck tight, and sqealing like crazy so he gets on his CB radio and asks the boss for advice. "Breaker breaker. I've got a pig stuck behind my 'roo bar. How can I get it out?" A reply comes back. "Just slice open the pig and let the guts spill out. The pig will fall out." So the guy does this and as predicted the pig falls straight out. "OK, I've cut open the pig and it's out, but now I've got another problem." "What is it now?" says the bloke on the radio. "What do I do with his motorcycle and helmet?"

 

[TonyP]

*THE BLONDE* *MORTICIAN*

*
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing
an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she
would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does
look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband
looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't
care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit
for the viewing.'**
**
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she
finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle
chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very
satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How
much did you spend?'** **
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the
blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that
exquisite blue suit!' she says.**
**
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in
shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an
attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going
to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made
no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'** **