Jokes

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business.
In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.

Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

After the brothel burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."

But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and vociferously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit."

 

[Chas]

On the M1 this morning a lorry loaded with rice crispies collided with a milk tanker. No serious injuries were reported but both drivers are suffering from shell shock.

 

[Shayne]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...Are - my - test - results - back?"

 

[Chas]

LIFE -WITH-THE-ROYALS: CAMILLA'S NEW SHOES ....
Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tight as the day went on. That night, after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles retired back to their room. Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling, one's feet are killing one.'
Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour. But It wouldn't budge.

'Harder!' yelled Camilla.

'Harder?' Charles yelled back. 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'

'Come on give it all you've got, ' she cried.

Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed, 'Oh god, that feels so good !'

In their bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, 'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that.'

Meanwhile back in the other bedroom, Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out, 'Oh god, darling, this one's even tighter.'
At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen: 'That's my boy; once a navy man, always a navy man!

 

[Chas]

The largest condom factory in the States burned down. President Trump was
awakened at 4 am by the telephone.
"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in... Washington has burned to the
ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used
up by the end of the week."
Trump: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those
unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in from Mexico .
" Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with
this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about the UK ?"
Trump: "Okay, I'll call Theresa May and tell him we need five million condoms,
ten inches long and three inches thick. That way they'll continue to respect us as Americans."
Three days later, a delighted President Trump ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested...
All coloured with Union Jacks with small writing on each one: and a covering note that said "Sorry Donald, this the only size we have spare.

MADE IN ENGLAND - SIZE: SMALL

 

[Pat]

 

[clivehorridge]

Brilliant!

 

[hopeless wanderer]

A young guardsman is on the gate at Buckingham palace. The RSM walks up to him and says "Right lad, the Queen is out on public duties I want to know the minute she gets back here, do you understand? The minute she's back you let me know".
"Yes sir " says the young guardsman.
So 10 minutes later a big limo pulls in through the gates, the guardsman stops the car, pops his head in and says " scuse me ma'am are you the Queen? "
"No I'm princess Ann"
"ok sorry to delay you, proceed".
The next limo pulls in and he sticks his head in the window " scuse me ma'am are you the Queen? "
"No I'm princess Margaret".
" Ok sorry to delay you ma'am, proceed.
Next limo pulls in and same again, he sticks his head in the window, "Scuse me ma'am, are you the Queen?."
"Yes I'm the Queen".
"Right" he says. "Well make yourself scarce love cos the RSM is lookin for you".

 

[Chas]

.

 

[Pat]

 

[clivehorridge]

Bravo Pat

 

[Chas]

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=1650604768589097

 

[Brian S]

.A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her
Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book
without the slightest success.


Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me the
name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have
wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes
water. So, who wants to go first ?"

The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said..

"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next ?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.

How about you, Paddy ?

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out " London ".

Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about
living up to her promise..

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for
breath and Paddy said

"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

 

[Brian S]

A bloke pulls a Chinese lass at a club.
She say "me so horny, me do anythin for you"
Bloke says "how a bout a 69?"
She says "you fcuk off, me no cooking at this time of night!"

 

[Chas]

.A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her
Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book
without the slightest success.


Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me the
name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have
wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes
water. So, who wants to go first ?"

The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said..

"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next ?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.

How about you, Paddy ?

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out " London ".

Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about
living up to her promise..

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for
breath and Paddy said

"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

I had to nick that for FaceBook Brian

 

[Brian S]

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'..

 

[Brian S]

Anyone who says marriage is an equal partnership is talking utter rubbish
I gave up my mates , motorbikes , drinking , smoking and gambling
All she gave up was sex

 

[Brian S]

Young lady goes to the fortune teller, and says "two men are in love with me".
She asks the fortune teller "who will be the lucky one?"
The fortune teller replied "Fred will marry you, Peter will be the lucky one".

 

[Brian S]

3 men captured by female savages, are told their dicks would be removed, in a manner appropriate to their jobs. 1st was a lumberjack so his would be chopped off, 2nd was a butcher, so his would be sliced off. 3rd man started laughing. The females asked what was so funny. He replied 'I work for dyson!"

 

[Chas]

An essential part of the wine business.