Jokes

[Brian S]

URGENT Health warning.
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure,
When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems,
When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
Apparently, ice is really bad for you.

 

[clivehorridge]

NATAL CURRY CONTEST

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no

Hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly.

For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is.

They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July.

It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting

From America.



Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a

Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment

and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for

directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by

the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and,

besides, they told me I could have free beer during the

tasting, so I accepted".



Here are the scorecard notes from the event:



CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could

remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the

flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.



CHILI #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what

I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who

Wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in more beer

When they saw the look on my face.



CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uraniums pill. My nose feels like

I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now.

Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone

is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all the beer.



CHILI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable

to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the

beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is

starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?



CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the

chili peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no

longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The

contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.

Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.

I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges

asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.



CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

sulfuric flames. I am definitely going to **** myself if I fart and I'm

worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand

behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to

wipe my ass with a snow cone ice-cream.



CHILI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned

peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a

can of chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this

stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit

of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds

like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which

slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my

shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've

decided to stop breathing- it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting

any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch

hole in my stomach.



CHILI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold

but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild

nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,

passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself.

Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have

reacted to really hot curry?

 

[Chas]

NATAL CURRY CONTEST

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no

Hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly.

For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is.

They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July.

It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting

From America.



Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a

Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment

and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for

directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by

the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and,

besides, they told me I could have free beer during the

tasting, so I accepted".



Here are the scorecard notes from the event:



CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could

remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the

flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.



CHILI #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what

I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who

Wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in more beer

When they saw the look on my face.



CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uraniums pill. My nose feels like

I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now.

Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone

is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all the beer.



CHILI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable

to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the

beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is

starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?



CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the

chili peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no

longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The

contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.

Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.

I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges

asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.



CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

sulfuric flames. I am definitely going to **** myself if I fart and I'm

worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand

behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to

wipe my ass with a snow cone ice-cream.



CHILI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned

peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a

can of chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this

stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit

of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds

like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which

slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my

shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've

decided to stop breathing- it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting

any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch

hole in my stomach.



CHILI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold

but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild

nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,

passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself.

Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have

reacted to really hot curry?

Almost didn't reach the end of that for the tears in my eyes.

 

[Brian S]

I know the feeling guys, I didn't dare reread it, first time I read it, (several years ago) the tears were streaming down my face, I was laughing so hard my Mrs thought I would do a damage to myself

 

[froggy Steve]

pinching that too

 

[Pat]

Now,that's a yarn and a half.loved it.

 

[Pat]

bloody brilliant

 

[Brian S]

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted.

One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one.

"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too."

"I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover."

"I went onto the balcony of our 9th-floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot."

"He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes."

"On seeing he was still alive I found super-human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him."

"At this point, the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst.

"I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th-floor apartment, but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot."

"I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up, I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters.

He apologizes and says, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."

I don't know,"replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest..."

 

[Brian S]

Thor the Viking god of Thunder comes to earth one night in human form.

He meets a beautiful woman whose only flaw was a lisp.

They’re all over each other in minutes and have sex all weekend.

On the Monday morning he stands up proud and says, "I am Thor!!"

She replied, "Your Thor? I can’t even pith....."

 

[Brian S]

The AmericanTaxOffice decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the ATO office.

The ATO auditor was not surprised when
Grandpa showed up with his Lawyer.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle

and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying

that you win money gambling.
I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable.


'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa.
'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can

bite my other eye..'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,

with Grandpa's Lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand

dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that waste basket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious
now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he

strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the waste basket on

the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that
he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and
puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney.
'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit,

he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and

piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

 

[Brian S]

Two builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant. >> Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker. Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here! The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Phil: - 'Scuse me.. no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Phil: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Phil: - Er... mmm . well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Phil: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Phil: - Me? Never.

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Phil: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.

Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Eric: - What's that then?

Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Eric: - Nope.

Phil: - Well then, you're a w@kner.

 

[Brian S]

I'm going to rob a bank, dressing as a clown, wearing a thong + nipple tassels. I'll be carrying a goat with a dildo up my arse and a tin of dulux. In the bank I'll throw paint over the walls whilst shouting the words 'big fat pissflaps'. Once I get the cash I'm gonna s##t on the floor and escape in a van shaped like a big pink cock.
Let's see Crimewatch stage a reconstruction of that #$@@@%!

 

[Chas]

A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'

He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'

At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something. ' A bowl of soup, homemade steak and kidney pie, or a cheese sandwich?'

He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'has really taken away my desire for food.'



Come dinnertime, she again asks if he wants anything to eat. 'Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?'



He declines again. 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra . . I'm still not hungry.'



'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm f*ckin starving!

 

[Chas]

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong"
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

I'll get my coat.

 

[Chas]

There's more.

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

10. My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange"
I said: "no it doesn't"

11. And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life.
But John came fifth and won a toaster.

13. What do we want?
Low flying airplane noises!
When do we want them?
NNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWW.

14. What do you call a frenchman wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillope.

15. What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.

16. What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
A labracadabrador.

 

[Brian S]

Groan.....

 

[Brian S]

The Polite Way to Call Someone a bar steward


A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.

The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes.

The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.

He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation......

And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.

 

[Brian S]

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl.

 

[Brian S]

I saw a guy stacking shelves at Tescos complaining because the top shelf was broken, and he couldn't keep it up.

I think he had A wrecked aisle dysfunction.

 

[Brian S]

An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water.

But, then came the time when he returned empty-handed.

"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand Emir.

"A thousand pardons, O illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "An infidel is sitting on the well."