Funding for sick child......possibly controversial!

[Andy]

Firstly I wont disclose too many details for obvious reasons, but I am aware of a young mother with 2 young children, 8 & 6 years, and a live in boyfriend who has been on the scene for about a year.

Now, unfortunately , the 8 year old boy has been diagnosed within the last 3 months with a terminal brain disease that is going to end his life quite soon (medics say anything between 6 months & 2 years from diagnosis & there is no cure at all).

He has gone downhill very rapidly, cannot now swallow, talk, walk, his sight has nearly gone, he is incontinent, fed via a tube ,cannot remember anything from even an hour ago, and in a pretty bad way in a special (NHS provided) wheelchair, and there will apparently be no improvement.
Medical professionals / carers / pallative care people etc visit him at home everyday.

Obviously this is a very tragic case and we can only sympathise.

OK
So a member of the boyfriends family started up one of these funding pages for people to donate money, and in around 3 months over 18k has been donated , a very significant amount.

Now my questions / comments are:
How do you think this money could be be used to help the sick boy?
How do these schemes work? I have googled go fund me & it appears that it can be used for almost anything (including paying the bills & rent etc, you can even set one up to pay for your honeymoon if you want!)

The mother & boyfriend have booked various (expensive) holidays, that they cannot afford themselves, to take the child on so he can remember(!) them, and have taken him on various outings (legoland, diggerland, zoo, helicopter flight etc).
I do know that the boyfriend has said he enjoys these outings more that any of the others, and he says that the child doesnt really know whats happening.
Is it fair to take this very sick child on these trips, or is it just for the adults benefit, or, do you think that the child will really benefit.

It appears to me that in this case there is no real regulation of how the money should be spent for the childs wellbeing, and the donors are probably unaware of how the money is being used, the poor boy doesnt know or appreciate ( & is not going to anyway), what is happening to him, and the mother & her boyfriend, whilst obviously distressed about the situation, are they using this money for their own means & to be able to say 'well at least we took****** to a warm country to sit on the beach in sunshine, see father christmas in Lapland, ride in a helicopter' etc etc. (especially as he doesnt remember a thing about it).


What are other members thoughts, bearing in mind this is only a brief outline of a very sad case.

You can probably read between the lines as to my thoughts, am I being particularly hard hearted, insensitive or practical??
I do realise that the mother is wanting to spend has much time as possible with her son, but why should the boyfriend 'jump on the bandwagon'.
The biological father is around but I believe the mother doesnt want much to do with him as he has a new 'family'
I am glad I have not donated, although believe me, I have & continue to assist in other 'invisible' ways.

18k & rising, is a lot of cash, and how should it really be used improve what is left of the childs short life

Over to you!!

 

[karl webster]

hard one andy.

I see where your coming from. Anyone giving money is doing it off their own back. when money is given in my opinion you are leeting someone else spend it how they see fit.

People give money to charites weekly tjat frankly are taking it whe they shoukdnt be ie fraud. i wont name some of the big ones.

Personally i wouldnt give to the family your talking aboU t and i dont give to any other charites for that matter.

I guess the family feel like they are doing the right thing. personally i would never set any kind of charity for myslef or any member of our family.

 

[karl webster]

one question. Does the mother and the boyfriend work?

 

[moggy1968]

I think the money is not just for the boys benefit, but also for the parents. It is giving them some times and memories with their son which will be very precious. If, God forbid, I had a child like this, then I would want to give up work to be with them and care for them, but how would you manage financially without help?
TBH I wouldn't be in a fit state to work anyway!!
I understand the concern, but it's not really our place to question their situation

 

[Chas]

Firstly I wont disclose too many details for obvious reasons, but I am aware of a young mother with 2 young children, 8 & 6 years, and a live in boyfriend who has been on the scene for about a year.

Now, unfortunately , the 8 year old boy has been diagnosed within the last 3 months with a terminal brain disease that is going to end his life quite soon (medics say anything between 6 months & 2 years from diagnosis & there is no cure at all).

He has gone downhill very rapidly, cannot now swallow, talk, walk, his sight has nearly gone, he is incontinent, fed via a tube ,cannot remember anything from even an hour ago, and in a pretty bad way in a special (NHS provided) wheelchair, and there will apparently be no improvement.
Medical professionals / carers / pallative care people etc visit him at home everyday.

Obviously this is a very tragic case and we can only sympathise.

OK
So a member of the boyfriends family started up one of these funding pages for people to donate money, and in around 3 months over 18k has been donated , a very significant amount.

Now my questions / comments are:
How do you think this money could be be used to help the sick boy?
How do these schemes work? I have googled go fund me & it appears that it can be used for almost anything (including paying the bills & rent etc, you can even set one up to pay for your honeymoon if you want!)

The mother & boyfriend have booked various (expensive) holidays, that they cannot afford themselves, to take the child on so he can remember(!) them, and have taken him on various outings (legoland, diggerland, zoo, helicopter flight etc).
I do know that the boyfriend has said he enjoys these outings more that any of the others, and he says that the child doesnt really know whats happening.
Is it fair to take this very sick child on these trips, or is it just for the adults benefit, or, do you think that the child will really benefit.

It appears to me that in this case there is no real regulation of how the money should be spent for the childs wellbeing, and the donors are probably unaware of how the money is being used, the poor boy doesnt know or appreciate ( & is not going to anyway), what is happening to him, and the mother & her boyfriend, whilst obviously distressed about the situation, are they using this money for their own means & to be able to say 'well at least we took****** to a warm country to sit on the beach in sunshine, see father christmas in Lapland, ride in a helicopter' etc etc. (especially as he doesnt remember a thing about it).


What are other members thoughts, bearing in mind this is only a brief outline of a very sad case.

You can probably read between the lines as to my thoughts, am I being particularly hard hearted, insensitive or practical??
I do realise that the mother is wanting to spend has much time as possible with her son, but why should the boyfriend 'jump on the bandwagon'.
The biological father is around but I believe the mother doesnt want much to do with him as he has a new 'family'
I am glad I have not donated, although believe me, I have & continue to assist in other 'invisible' ways.

18k & rising, is a lot of cash, and how should it really be used improve what is left of the childs short life

Over to you!!

The mother & boyfriend have booked various (expensive) holidays, that they cannot afford themselves, to take the child on so he can remember them (Which he can only remember for an hour?), and have taken him on various outings (legoland, diggerland, zoo, helicopter flight etc).
Sounds like a gold mine for the mother & boyfriend, and this fund was set up by a member of the boyfriends family, and are they also benefitting from the fund. As much sympathy as I have for the mother and her son I think they are milking it for their own as well as the sons benefit.

 

[clivehorridge]

It’s a moral dilemma, this one Andy.

As Karl said, if you give money to someone, you do it willingly and without limitations, whereas if you give money to a dedicated charity, you have a right to know what actually happens to or with that money, under the terms of charitable status of the recipient.

Give a pound to a guy in a doorway and he can do what he wants with it, get a coffee, some smokes, food, drugs... whatever.

I see nothing wrong with the concept of ‘go fund me’ as said, you give your money freely without strings, or you don’t, simples.

As for the boy (and his mother) I don’t know what to say.

It’s easy to say that he won’t be able to appreciate any of what it brings, and that may indeed be true. But would you deny a holiday to a deaf and blind boy simply because he wouldn’t see or hear what you/we would in the same circumstances?

I don’t know the circumstances of course, but the boyfriend may be an important aspect of the lad’s life, as is his mother... who are we to judge whether he should or should not ‘tag along’. They may be 100% genuine, or they could be sharks miking the best out of the poor boy’s condition for their own benefit. As there’s no restriction on how the money is spent, there’s no way to regulate it.

I feel for them, I can’t think of anything worse that caring for a young boy you know will never grow up and worse still, deteriorate day by day till the end, which will be soon by the way you describe it. No amount of money will change that.

All in all, I don’t think how they spend the money is any of our business, especially as none of it has come from you or I. Even those who have contributed have done it in a way that makes it none of their business either.

It just goes to show that even in these rather difficult times, some people are able and willing to spare a few bob giving to such causes, and that’s rather comforting to know in a way, humanity is not dead yet.

Some folks will gamble 18k in a weekend, others will cherish that amount, which in many cases would be more than someone’s life savings. It’s relative and therefore kinda irrelevant.

I give to charities, when the mood takes me, and I trust it will do some good, while being aware that maybe not all of it gets there. There’s no guarantees in life, only death and taxes someone once said. We take our chances.

I also give something to the guy at the corner of our street with no legs and no roof over his head, if the lights are on red and there’s change to hand. He smiles wide and says thanks, it’s enough for me, I don’t ask for a receipt or a solemn promise as to what he’ll spend it on. From the moment it leaves my hand it’s his to do with what he wants, just as it was my choice to hand it to him.

I see no end to this debate... whatever is said, everyone will be right...

But coming back to source, it’s the saddest story though... bless him.

 

[Chas]

I also give something to the guy at the corner of our street with no legs and no roof over his head, if the lights are on red and there’s change to hand. He smiles wide and says thanks, it’s enough for me, I don’t ask for a receipt or a solemn promise as to what he’ll spend it on. From the moment it leaves my hand it’s his to do with what he wants, just as it was my choice to hand it to him.

I see no end to this debate... whatever is said, everyone will be right...

But coming back to source, it’s the saddest story though... bless him.

That's the sort of donation I would make.

 

[Shayne]

It feels good to be charitable , if their next door neighbour gave them £1 for the electric meter would anyone judge ?

But its a problem because 18,000 people did the same ?

 

[Higgy]

This may sound Harsh, and please don't judge me, But if the new boyfriend turns up in a new Range Rover with wheel chair access!... Then I think it will answer a lot of awkward questions.. ( regret posting already) Sorry but it happens

 

[moggy1968]

This may sound Harsh, and please don't judge me, But if the new boyfriend turns up in a new Range Rover with wheel chair access!... Then I think it will answer a lot of awkward questions.. ( regret posting already) Sorry but it happens

Not for 18k he won’t
It is a real possibility that there is a not very good back story to this, it happens, some people are without morals, but we don’t know.

 

[froggy Steve]

Really tough to answer this one. We (through choice) don't have kids, but most of our friends do. I would help them out in an instant if I could. But.....if this poor kiddy doesn't know what's going on, then they should be getting equipment in to stimulate the senses (lights and other stuff), not sitting on a beach or going for a helicopter ride. Ok a heli ride would stimulate most people but it's over in a few mins, whereas equipment could be used all the time.
I wouldn't wish their situation on anyone though.

 

[Andy]

But.....if this poor kiddy doesn't know what's going on, then they should be getting equipment in to stimulate the senses (lights and other stuff), not sitting on a beach or going for a helicopter ride. Ok a heli ride would stimulate most people but it's over in a few mins, whereas equipment could be used all the time.

EXACTLY

 

[Andy]

one question. Does the mother and the boyfriend work?

Tricky one to answer here karl, May pm u or if it’s still relevant next time we meet I’ll answer your question

 

[frank rabbets]

Too many charities on telly now as an aside. To make money one can think of an idea..........Ah, a home for sick hens................or sponsor a goat. Then you register as a charity and you are entitled to take a reasonable salary, so I pretty well don't give anything apart from Christmas time when I and Anne will forgo our presents and buy some fresh water wells in Africa.

As most have said if you give money that's the end of the story even if it is supposed to go to a reliable organisation.

 

[moggy1968]

Too many charities on telly now as an aside. To make money one can think of an idea..........Ah, a home for sick hens................or sponsor a goat. Then you register as a charity and you are entitled to take a reasonable salary, so I pretty well don't give anything apart from Christmas time when I and Anne will forgo our presents and buy some fresh water wells in Africa.

As most have said if you give money that's the end of the story even if it is supposed to go to a reliable organisation.

When I saw where the money and goods go that are given to African charities, I stopped any donation.

 

[karl webster]

When I saw where the money and goods go that are given to African charities, I stopped any donation.

Yep your right moggy. ive heard a fair few stories.
we went gambia a few years ago. if people want to help the best way is to give their time rather than money.

 

[moggy1968]

Yep your right moggy. ive heard a fair few stories.
we went gambia a few years ago. if people want to help the best way is to give their time rather than money.

It was going to The Gambia made me realise, that was the motivation for the Gambian school run where we took two landcruisers full of school books direct to a school there.

 

[chapel gate]

Firstly I wont disclose too many details for obvious reasons, but I am aware of a young mother with 2 young children, 8 & 6 years, and a live in boyfriend who has been on the scene for about a year.

Now, unfortunately , the 8 year old boy has been diagnosed within the last 3 months with a terminal brain disease that is going to end his life quite soon (medics say anything between 6 months & 2 years from diagnosis & there is no cure at all).

He has gone downhill very rapidly, cannot now swallow, talk, walk, his sight has nearly gone, he is incontinent, fed via a tube ,cannot remember anything from even an hour ago, and in a pretty bad way in a special (NHS provided) wheelchair, and there will apparently be no improvement.
Medical professionals / carers / pallative care people etc visit him at home everyday.

Obviously this is a very tragic case and we can only sympathise.

OK
So a member of the boyfriends family started up one of these funding pages for people to donate money, and in around 3 months over 18k has been donated , a very significant amount.

Now my questions / comments are:
How do you think this money could be be used to help the sick boy?
How do these schemes work? I have googled go fund me & it appears that it can be used for almost anything (including paying the bills & rent etc, you can even set one up to pay for your honeymoon if you want!)

The mother & boyfriend have booked various (expensive) holidays, that they cannot afford themselves, to take the child on so he can remember(!) them, and have taken him on various outings (legoland, diggerland, zoo, helicopter flight etc).
I do know that the boyfriend has said he enjoys these outings more that any of the others, and he says that the child doesnt really know whats happening.
Is it fair to take this very sick child on these trips, or is it just for the adults benefit, or, do you think that the child will really benefit.

It appears to me that in this case there is no real regulation of how the money should be spent for the childs wellbeing, and the donors are probably unaware of how the money is being used, the poor boy doesnt know or appreciate ( & is not going to anyway), what is happening to him, and the mother & her boyfriend, whilst obviously distressed about the situation, are they using this money for their own means & to be able to say 'well at least we took****** to a warm country to sit on the beach in sunshine, see father christmas in Lapland, ride in a helicopter' etc etc. (especially as he doesnt remember a thing about it).


What are other members thoughts, bearing in mind this is only a brief outline of a very sad case.

You can probably read between the lines as to my thoughts, am I being particularly hard hearted, insensitive or practical??
I do realise that the mother is wanting to spend has much time as possible with her son, but why should the boyfriend 'jump on the bandwagon'.
The biological father is around but I believe the mother doesnt want much to do with him as he has a new 'family'
I am glad I have not donated, although believe me, I have & continue to assist in other 'invisible' ways.

18k & rising, is a lot of cash, and how should it really be used improve what is left of the childs short life

Over to you!!

as has been mentioned, its easy to judge from behind a keyboard. knowing them you will have at least a vague idea of there character which we don't have.
I would say a more constructive use for the money, if it would serve no beneficial use for the child, would be to hand it over to a relevant uk charity.
I try to avoid flippantly using the morality word. I often find people who constantly take the moral high ground are using it as a guise to there own advantage. those who bang the morality drum the loudest have the most to hide.. persons in life who genuinely do the greatest good tend to go about it quietly in there own way, without constantly seeking recognition.
giving to charity can be a very personal thing. often the only way something can be understood is to have to experience it first hand. i have no problem giving to certain uk charitys. a lot of good people are selflessly working very hard for the good of others.

 

[karl webster]

View attachment 151009
It was going to The Gambia made me realise, that was the motivation for the Gambian school run where we took two landcruisers full of school books direct to a school there.

Great work. we did various things whilst over there.

 

[Chas]

So a member of the boyfriends family started up one of these funding pages for people to donate money, and in around 3 months over 18k has been donated , a very significant amount.


18k & rising, is a lot of cash, and how should it really be used improve what is left of the childs short life

Over to you!!

I think Andy, the money in this sort of case is not just for the child, the parents or adults who look after him are entitled to some sort of relief so to use it for the child and themselves I think is OK, but I am wary of these schemes, what do they take in commission?
The best friend I ever had died in Vietnam in his early fifties from a heart attack leaving a wife and very young son who couldn't afford to pay for the funeral so I started a go fund me appeal to raise some money to help. I managed to raise approx £2500, roughly 25% came from me, this money was accrued on PayPal but when it got handed over I was told PayPal had taken a fairly large amount in commission (I didn't get an exact amount). But it may not be just PayPal who do this so for that reason I don't contribute to this sort of appeal now. I later found out after the funeral that they had been divorced just two weeks before so that could quite possibly been a contributory cause of his heart attack if I had know that before my go fund me appeal I would never have started it, like I said he was the best friend I ever had, I still miss him now.