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  1. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

    "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

    "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"

    So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

    "What? Because he's cross-eyed? "



    "No, because he's really heavy"
     
  2. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    I was driving along in my car, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.'

    And I swerved.

    And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'

    And I swerved again.

    He rang up a third time and said 'You're now the managing director.'

    And I went into a tree.

    And a policeman came up and said

    'What happened to you?'

    And I said 'I careered off the road.'
     
  3. Gav Peter

    Gav Peter Well-Known Member I am in england

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    Who brought Tommy Cooper to the party???

    Superb - well done
     
  4. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    I was depressed last night so I called The Samaritans.

    I got a call centre in Pakistan.
    I told them I was suicidal.
    They got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane.
     
  5. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    An Aussie trucker walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind
    him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
    The trucker says , 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu,
    'What's yours? 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.
    A short time later the waitress returns with the order
    'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out
    the exact change for payment.
    The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger,
    chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'
    Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
    This becomes routine until the two enter again.
    'The usual?' asks the waitress.
    'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,'
    says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.
    Shortly the waitress brings the order and says,’ That will be $32.62.'
    Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on
    the table.
    The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate,
    how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket
    every time?'
    'Well, love' says the trucker, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back
    shed, and found an old lamp.

    When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
    'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million
    dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long
    as you live!'
    'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
    money is always there,' says the man.
    The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

    The trucker sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick
    with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'
    :lol: :lol: :lol:
     
  6. Gav Peter

    Gav Peter Well-Known Member I am in england

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    Yup, you're going straight to Valhalla see you there ;-)

    Based on the one liner before the old chestnut ;-)

    Keep 'em comming!!! LMFAO
     
  7. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story.
    The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell a story.
    Suzy said, "Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the
    moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

    Next is little Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies
    "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

    Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the war, his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He parachuted out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case
    of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the
    last ten with his bare hands".
    The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.
    Billy replies, "Don't f**k with uncle Ted when he's pissed."

    Chas
     
  8. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    I was buying a large bag of Winalot in the Supermarket and was standing in the queue at the till. a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
    I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
    Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.
    I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.Stupid woman, why else would I buy dog food?

    Chas
     
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  9. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?

    Dad says,' Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

    I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

    Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the
    Government.

    We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

    The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

    And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

    Now think about that and see if it makes sense.

    So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad said.

    Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

    He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

    So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
    He gives up and goes back to bed.

    The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

    The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

    The little boy replies,

    'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'

    Chas
     
  10. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

    He said "Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

    The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, "Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?"

    "I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she appears out of nowhere."
     
  11. SimonD

    SimonD Well-Known Member

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    Well this one cracked me up anyway.
    [​IMG]
     
  12. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet her parents for the first time and have dinner. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
    The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the chemist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack or more. The boy says more because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
    That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
    The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, finally, after 10 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'
    The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
     
  13. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    WHERE SHALL WE EAT

    A group of 40 year old buddies get together to discuss where they should meet for dinner.
    Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.
    10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
    10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.
    10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
    10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before. :roll:
     
  14. chadr

    chadr Well-Known Member I am in england

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    The young Red Indian boy had spent most of his life in a quandry... He felt different yet... couldn't figure why... he was just so depressed. He went to the Chief for answers... He asked the chief how his brother Red Deer Running had gotten his name...

    The chief answered in his typically poetic way..."When Red Deer Running was born, at the moment of his birth, the first thing his mother saw was a beautiful deer running off into the forest... and so Running Deer was named. It is the custom of our tribe to name the offspring according to the spirits in nature visiting upon the birth."

    Then, the boy said to the Chief... And how did my sister "Thundering Bird" get her name? The chief described again, how at the moment of her birth Thundering Bird's mother had heard a roar of thunder and looking up, saw a bird flying in the sky...

    The boy asked again, how his cousin "White Crouching Bear" had been given such a name... And the chief, looking down once more at the boy, explaining the traditions of their tribe.... White Bear's mother had seen a rare white bear crouched over a stream at the moment her baby's birth. Then he asked the boy...

    "Why do you ask, Two Dogs F**king?"



    An oldie but a goldie! ;) :lol:
     
  15. chadr

    chadr Well-Known Member I am in england

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    Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.

    I'm easily lead.

    -----------------------------------------------------

    How do you know when a woman says something sensible?

    She'll start the sentence with " A man once told me"


    -----------------------------------------------------

    My Wife's leaving me for two reasons,

    1. My terrible memory

    2. My terrible memory

    Oh well, At least I have my wife at my side in this time of need.

    -----------------------------------------------------

    How can you tell whether a man is talking rubbish ?

    His lips are moving

    -----------------------------------------------------

    A Scotsman, and Irishman, a Welshman, a white horse and a nun walk into a pub.

    "Is this a joke?" said the bartender!

    -----------------------------------------------------

    My Wife's leaving me for two reasons,

    1. Never being able to finish what I've started

    -----------------------------------------------------

    Did you hear about the [email protected] dyslexic football fan who came to South Africa to blow a zulufela?

    -----------------------------------------------------

    I wondered why the football kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

    -----------------------------------------------------

    I come from a mixed race family....my mum prefers the 100 metres....my dad the 400...

    -----------------------------------------------------

    Advent calendars are becoming less and less popular every year. Personally I feel that their days are numbered
     
  16. chadr

    chadr Well-Known Member I am in england

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    "I am on a whiskey diet. I've lost 3 days already!"

    "I Went to the paper shop - it had blown away"

    "I went to buy some camouflage trousers - I couldn't find any"

    "I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair"

    "two fish in a tank - one says 'you drive, I'll man the guns' "

    "Two aerials met on a roof, fell in love and got married - The ceremony was rubbish, but the reception was brilliant!"

    Courtesy the late Tommy Cooper...
     
  17. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    :doh:
     
  18. chadr

    chadr Well-Known Member I am in england

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    After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian goalkeeper has personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans who travelled to South Africa. He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.
     
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  19. chadr

    chadr Well-Known Member I am in england

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    #######################
    ## HOW FIGHTS START ##
    #######################

    My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

    I said, 'Dust.'

    And then the fight started...
    ******************************************

    My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

    "No," she answered.

    I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

    And then the fight started....
    ******************************************

    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

    My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

    And that's how the fight started...
    ******************************************

    I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

    So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

    And then the fight started.....
    *****************************************

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

    I bought her a bathroom scale.

    And then the fight started...
    ******************************************

    When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... So, I took her to a petrol station.

    And then the fight started...
    ******************************************

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

    She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

    And then the fight started...
    ******************************************

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table..

    My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

    'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

    'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

    And then the fight started...
    ******************************************

    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

    Nah, she can order for herself."

    And then the fight started...
    ******************************************

    A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

    The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

    And then the fight started.....
    ******************************************
     
  20. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    My wife said "What are you doing today" I said "Nothing" she said "You did that yesterday" I said "I didn't get finished"
    Chas
     
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