Jokes

[Blown80]

My wife was dying

I was by her bedside offering some comfort in her closing hours

She said in a weak, tired voice, "There is something I must tell you"
"Shhhh", I said, "Just rest"
"No, No, I must confess" she softly stammered with a tear emerging from her eye
"There's nothing to confess, everything is alright" I hushed soothingly
"No, I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend and his best friend, and with your father!"
"I know", I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you. Now just close your eyes...."

 

[Chas]

ENGLISH GRAMMAR QUESTION

A small boy asks his father "Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' & realistically'?"

His dad thinks for a while and then says "Righto son, go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million quid."

The boy toddles off and comes back saying "Dad, Dad, she said she would! She said she would sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million pounds."

"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."

The boy toddles off and comes back saying "Dad, Dad, she said she would too!"

So then his dad says "Right son, now go and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million pounds."

The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad!He said he would too!"

"Well there you have it, son," said hisdad. "theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid.Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poof."

 

[Shayne]

good one Chas

 

[Philip A]

I was in my late twenties, and had a junior management position in a Corporation. I had been working there for about a year, when one day I was summoned to the Board Room.

Intrigued and a bit apprehensive, I knocked at the door and entered.

There, sitting around the long mahogany table, were a dozen stern-looking gentlemen. The President and CEO, three Vice-Presidents, and the top Managers. Their gazes were fixed on me, and I started feeling quite worried.

The President told me: "Have a seat, John". I obliged.

He leaned slightly across the table, and, looking straight into my eyes, asked: "John, this is a delicate question, but it is extremely important for the Company. So, think well before to answer, and be totally honest. Do you understand me?"

Everybody in the room was staring at me.

I gulped, and mumbled a "Yes, Sir…"

Detaching every word, he asked: "John, did you ever engage in sexual activity with Miss Burton, the receptionist?"

I blushed, and half-stuttered: "N-No, Sir… No! Never!"

He looked at me in silence for a few seconds, then said: "Son, this is not some Bill-Clintonesque media circus. We are between gentlement, nothing of what you say will get out of this room. Let me repeat: did you ever engage in any type of sexual activity, intercourse, petting, fondling, or even just romantic activity with Maryl… Miss Burton?"

Vehemently, I said "No, Sir! I've never even been within touching distance of her! I'm not working on the same floor, and I access my office directly from the parking's elevator!"

He kept looking at me for a few seconds, then turned to the other men. One by one, slowly, they nodded.

The President turned back to me and said: "OK, John, we believe you. You fire her."

 

[Chas]

Love this Japanese Doctor!





Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that's ...it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottom up!
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NO LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND......
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you

 

[dyladams]

 

[Chas]

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?

Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, miss, me, me!"

Teacher says "All right, Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?"

Little Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."

Teacher smiles and says "Wow, Johnny, that's a mouthful."

Little Johnny says "No, miss, you're thinking of a blowjob. I'm talking about a wank."

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

saw my scouse mate filling out an application for a loan, I said "who's going to lend you money? You've no collateral, you owe rent & you're behind with your bills."
He said, "don't worry about all that, I'll walk it"
I said, "You're a scouse, you'll never walk a loan."

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest:
"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner: "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's'."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks: "Who is this Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the mens' eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks: "Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy replies: "No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes".

 

[Chas]

Subject: Smokin' in the Rain



Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?...
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what
size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

 

[Philip A]

I was driving back from my bush camp to town on the rutted trail, when I saw an elderly tribesman walking on the side of the road. We were far from the next village, so I stopped the car and he awkwardly climbed in.

With a silent nod of thanks, he settled in the front seat. Resuming the journey, I tried - in vain - to make a bit of small talk with him. He just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag next to me.

"What in bag?" asked the old man.

I looked down at the brown bag and said: "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."

The wrinkled, white-haired man was silent for a moment or two. Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said:


"Good deal..."

 

[Blown80]

A Lizard is wandering through the Australian Outback when he smells something funny. he looks around then looks up in a tree and sees a Koala smoking.
"Hey Koala!" he shouts, "What'cha doin'?"
"Smoking dope" The Koala replies.
Out of curiosity, the Lizard climbs up the tree and soon the pair of them are getting very stoned. The Lizard, being smaller than the Koala, starts to feel a bit queasy, the Koala tells him he's probably dehydrated and should get some water from the river. The Lizard climbs down the tree and goes to the river bank where he immediately falls in and gets carried downstream. He starts to panic but luckily he gets rescued by a Crocodile. "What the hell were you doing in the river?" Asks the Crocodile.
The lizard then explains about how he was smoking dope with the Koala and he got dehydrated and fell in the river while trying to get a drink.
"I've got to see this" Thought the Crocodile so he starts heading upstream. after a few minutes the Crocodile smells something odd and looks up the nearest tree. Sure enough, the Koala is there stoned out of his mind.
"Hey Koala!" The Crocodile shouts "What'cha doin?"
The Koala looks down, sees the Crocodile and says "Strewth Lizard! How much bloody water did you drink?..

 

[Chas]

Not sure if this one has been on before.

In a local Mexican restaurant

Following a day drivingthrough Mexico, I stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping a tequila, Inoticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter of food being served at thenext table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
I asked the waiter, “What is that you just served that table?”
“It is called Cojones de Toro, the testicles from the bull fight that was held here this morning.
A delicious delicacy served by our restaurant only!”
SoI said, “What the heck, bring me an order.”
The waiter replied, “I am so sorry senor. As there is only one bull fight each morning, we have only one serving per day. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.”
The next morning, I returned, placed my order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting the platter, I called to the waiter and said,
“These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.”

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,

“Si Senor, sometimes the bull, he wins.”

 

[Chas]

An Australian Aboriginal picks up a hooker.

'How much do you charge for da hour, sister?' heasks.

'$100,' she replies.

He says 'Do you do Aboriginal style?'

'No' she says.

'I pay you $200 to do it Aboriginal style'


'No', she says, not knowing what Aboriginal styleis.

'I pay you $300'

'No', she says.

'I pay you $400'

'No', she says.

So finally he says, 'OK, I pay you $500 to do itAboriginal style..'

She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part ofthe world. How bad could Aboriginal Style be?''.

So she agrees and has sex with him.

They do it in every kind of way and in everypossible position. Finally, after a couple hours, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey,I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So whatexactly is 'Aboriginal style'?'


The Aboriginal replies 'You send da bill to daGub'ment'

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

The Lawyer's Mistress
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at a country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.
When it was finally time for his annual vacation, he headed to the inn with hopes of continuing where he left off.
After he arrived, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover next to his door -- with an infant on her lap!
"Brittany, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin', and finally decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.

 

[Blown80]

That's a rippa Andy. I laughed until my belly rippled on its own.

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

Chris, glad you enjoyed it.

 

[Chas]

The Best Pubs Are Irish


As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman,"I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."


"Well, Angus," said the Englishman,"At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."


"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.

"Did this actually happen to you, Paddy?"

"Not me meself, . . personally, . . no," admitted the Irishman.



"But it did happen to me sister quite a fewtimes."

 

[froggy Steve]

Classic

Sent from my GT-I9060I using Tapatalk

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]