Jokes

[Chas]

You're going to love this one, but in the words of Paul Daniels "Not a lot"
The friars were behind on their belfry loan payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.
Since everyone prefered to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
So he asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

 

[Chas]

Two guys in their early thirties were chatting at the bar. One of them said:

"Gosh, you really look like crap. What's wrong with you?l"

His friend replied:

"Man, I'm exhausted. My girlfriend wants sex all the time. Morning, lunchtime, afternoon, evening, middle of the night, she never gets enough... I can't start buying Viagra wholesale at my age, can I? And my Johnson is getting blisters now..."

An old geezer sitting nearby leaned over and told him:

"Marry her, son, marry her. She'll stop that nonsense real fast..."

 

[Chas]

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause:

When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

 

[Chas]

After I was made redundant a few years ago I got a temp job in Tesco but on my 1st day while working in the beer & wine section I got sacked.
An East European immigrant asked me if I could recommend a good port, I told him Dover

 

[Sag]

Who shot my bear.
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling.
''I've never been better!'' he boasted. ''I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?''
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, ''Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.'' The doctor continued, ''So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?'' the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, ''No, what?''
The doctor continued, ''The bear dropped dead in front of him.''
''That's impossible!'' exclaimed the old man. ''Someone else must of shot the bear.''
''That's kind of what I'm getting at,'' replied the doctor.

 

[Sag]

The Italian Virgin's Wedding Night
As is tradition in Italian families, Marol spends her wedding night in her family home. Her mother sleeps in the adjacent room in case Marol has any questions. Mama tells Marol, "You have any a problem, you come and see Mama."
Later, Marol's husband unbuttons his shirt, and Marol jumps up, runs next door and cries, "Mama, Mama! He has hair all over his chest!"
Mama reassures Marol, "Men have hair on the chest. This is sign of a good man. Go now and make him happy."
But when Marol's husband takes off his belt, she goes jumps up again, runs next door and cries, "Mama, Mama! He has a protrusion in his pants!"
Mama reassures her, "He finds you beautiful. This is sign of a good man. Go now and make him happy."
Finally, Marol's husband takes off his shoes. Due to a terrible childhood accident, he only has half of his right foot. Marol jumps up and runs back to her mother's room, shouting, "Mama, Mama! He has a foot and a half!"
Her mother gets up and announces, "Stand back, Marol -- this is a job for Mama!"

 

[Chas]

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work in the RAF not aware that her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball." ...
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "£50."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "I'll tell."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "£150."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "£200." The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church where the father alerts the Padre and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!"

 

[Pat]

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work in the RAF not aware that her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball." ...
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "£50."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "I'll tell."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "£150."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "£200." The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church where the father alerts the Padre and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!"

and I was a good Catholic boy

 

[Brian S]

What do you call a train that eats toffee?
A chew, chew train.

 

[Brian S]

The other night I was invited out for a night with the guys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight... "promise!"
Well, the hours passed quickly and the beer was going down way too easy. At 3am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having such a rapid, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Got away with that one, I thought! Then she told me we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said, "Well, last night it cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'oh f**k,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more.... then farted."

 

[Chas]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you may know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him ....

what?

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

[Brian S]

Tracy, the Essex housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor.
Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suction-cupped herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband, "Wayne! Wayne!"
Wayne came running in.
"Wayne, I'm stuck! I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said.
"Farkinell!" Wayne said, and tried to pull her up.
"You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get my mate Tyrone to help."
They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
"No way, we can't do it," Tyrone said, "so let's try a Plan B."
"Plan B," exclaimed Wayne, "what's that?"
"I'll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her, that'll release the suction", replied Tyrone.
"Spot on!" Wayne said, "And while you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples."
"Play with her nipples?" Wayne said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"
"No," Wayne replied, "but I reckon if I can get her wet enough we can slide her into the kitchen, the tiles were cheaper in there..."

 

[Chas]

 

[Chas]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".
"You must be a technician." said the balloonist.
"I am" replied the man "how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."
The man below responded, "You must be in management".
"I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault!!!

 

[Brian S]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

 

[Brian S]

A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'
Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.
My wife won twice last week.'

 

[Chas]

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action!
So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy woman busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack
wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. Then he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.. I think they were Hovis Witnesses

A woman in a burka called at my door but I didn’t open it, I spoke to her through the letter box and said how do you like it?

 

[Chas]

I just found out today an Ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain, . . . (I know some people like that) and Starfish have no brain, . . . (I know some people like that too)

 

[Chas]

Becky gets a call from her friend Rachel who says "Becky I got a new apartment you must come visit" so Becky says "I will but an address I need first", "OK" says Rachel, "You take the subway to 86th St, you come out and turn to the left and walk along to 1862, you see the double doors up the steps, with your left elbow you press down the handle that lets you in to the vestibule, in the vestibule there is the apartment buttons with the right elbow you press 4B I will hear the bell then I will buzz you in, then walk to the elevator and with the left elbow press up, in the elevator with the right elbow press 4 come out the elevator and my apartment 4B is right in front of you ring the bell with the left elbow or knock on the door with the right elbow and I will let you in". Becky says "Oy vey! whats with all the elbows? left this and right that",

and Rachel says "What, you're coming empty handed?"

 

[Chas]

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home

Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.


One evening, Margaret , age 87, wanders into the garden.
They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation,
Harold turns to Margaret and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, 'What?'


'Sex!' he replies.

Margaret exclaims, 'Why you old fart you couldn't get it up if I held gun to your head!'
'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.'

Well, I can oblige,' says Margaret , who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Margaret would hold Harold's manhood.

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Margaret decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Margaret yelled, 'You two-timing son-of-a-bitch!
What does Ethel have that I don't have?'

Old Harold smiled happily and replied,






'Parkinsons.'