Jokes

[Chas]

There was a NewZealander, an Australian and a West Indian in the waiting room of a maternity ward.

Each mans wife was giving birth.

Eventually a nurse entered the waiting room and said to all three men. "Congratulations you all have healthy baby boys, both mother and child are O.K . However I'm afraid we've had a bit of a mix up and we're not sure which baby is which. If you could follow me to where the babies are being incubated, you can please identify your own babies."

So the three men followed the nurse and entered the ward. After a couple of seconds the Kiwi came to the nurse carrying a baby.

This is definitely my baby" he said

The nurse looked at the baby, then up at the Kiwi with a puzzled look.

But surely this baby is West Indian" said the nurse.

"Yes" agreed the Kiwi "But one of those other two babies in there is an Australian and I just can't take that risk!"

 

[Blown80]

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your
note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.

Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said,
"No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

Wait for it
.
.
.
.
.

The blonde said,
"No, just up to my tits ...
I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"

 

[clivehorridge]

IIRC, that joke inspired Benny Hill's "Ernie" the fastest milkman in the West...

 

[joinerman]

Core is that your misses Chris ?

 

[Blown80]

Ummm....my IPad missus... She doesn't see the light of day too often...

This is my real missus. We call it 'punching above your weight'....

Although a bit of water has flowed under the bridge since this photo was taken...

 

[Shayne]

For you Chris https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sY2WIFGQttE

 

[Philip A]

My friend Rajiv Patel said the other day that he had finally come to terms with reincarnation.

"When I come back, it will be as a tarantula" he told me.

"A giant spider???? What for, Rajiv?"

"My friend, every time I'll meet a woman in my new life, the first thing she'll say will be: Oh my God! IT'S ENORMOUS!"

 

[Chas]

Three Nurses working in a morgue discover a Dead Man with a hard on, the 1st Nurse says "I can't let that go to waste" and jumps on him. The 2nd Nurse does the same. The 3rd Nurse hesitates & explains she is on her period, but does him anyway.
Then the Man sits up & the Nurses apologize saying they thought he was dead. The Man replies "I was, but after two jump starts & a blood transfusion I feel fuckin great!!"

 

[Chas]

A politician, a reporter and an British Soldier were captured by Daesh, and told they were to be beheaded.
All 3 were offered a last request before the deed was done. T
he politician asked that he could hear "the internationale" one last time.
A recording of the communist anthem was duly found, and played out to the teary-eyed leftie.
The reporter requested that he be allowed to address the camera used to record the executions, so that he got his face on TV even after he died.
The terrorists agreed to this.
The soldier simply asked that each of the terrorists present gave him a kick up the arse before he was beheaded.
Bemused, they did as he asked. As the first extremist boot went in, the soldier pitched forward, rolled, whipped out the browning 9mm he had concealed in his trousers and started shooting till he ran out of ammo.
Grabbing an AK47 from
a terrorist, he calmly finished off his would-be executioners before pulling out a Cuban cigar and lighting it from his hot gun barrel.
The amazed reporter and politician thanked the soldier profusely, but were puzzled as to why he had asked for the arse-kicking before he performed his heroics.
"Well", says the soldier, "when we get back to the UK, I can't have you two stringing me up for an unprovoked attack".

 

[Shayne]

That would be funny if it wasn't true Chas the fight to get get Sergeant Blackman released continues and some big names are discussing the very questionable sentence of life in prison and how it was arrived at and i would like to urge people to read up on the story and if inclined sign the petition for his release . Unfortunately i can't find the petition so it's been conveniently swept under the carpet i guess .

 

[StarCruiser]

My thoughts exactly Shayne…you beat me to it! [emoji20]

 

[froggy Steve]

Lots of support and updates on facebook


Sent from my GT-I9060I using Tapatalk

 

[Chas]

That would be funny if it wasn't true Chas the fight to get get Sergeant Blackman released continues and some big names are discussing the very questionable sentence of life in prison and how it was arrived at and i would like to urge people to read up on the story and if inclined sign the petition for his release . Unfortunately i can't find the petition so it's been conveniently swept under the carpet i guess .

I quite agree Shayne and I did sign a petition for the release of him.
The joke wasn't really funny in the sense that it is unrealistic to expect our servicemen to behave in a way that wouldn't be acceptable in a non war situation, when they are in a constant life threatening environment.
If I was in their position, and thank God I'm not, I would be inclined to do the same, that is remove all possibility of attack by shoot to kill.

 

[Shayne]

He shot a dead man and got life for reciting some poetry FFS! anyway serious thread jack and it can be discussed here http://www.landcruiserclub.net/foru...ergeant-Alexander-Blackman?highlight=blackman so how about this to get us back on track .

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"

 

[Chas]

POSSIBLY THE BLONDE JOKE OFTHE YEAR?

A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "But I don't have enough money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother".

The man arched an eyebrow "Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.

"Well then, just follow me", said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said. She did.

He then said "Now get on your knees".

She did.


"Now pull down my zipper".

She did.

"Now go ahead ... take it out ...." he said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands ... then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered

"Well...go ahead".

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it ..and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said...........

"Hello, mum can you hear me?"

 

[CAPSAT]

Two bachelors, Larry and Frank were out to dinner.

The conversation drifted from office, sports to politics and then to cooking. “I got a cook book once” said Larry.

“But I couldn’t do anything with it.” “Too much fancy stuff in it, huh?” asked Frank.

“You said it, Larry replied, nodding. “Every one of those recipes began the same way: “Take a clean plate…”

 

[Chas]

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they's suin' them cigarette companies fer causin' people to git cancer?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants fer makin' them fat an' cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers an' fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba."
"And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"
"Yep."
"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?"
"That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?"
"Well, I was thinkin' . . . and what I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?

 

[Chas]

 

[dyladams]

 

[uHu]

Good one. What a creative mind.