Jokes

[jibberjabber]

Q: What do you find on pages 4 and 5 of the Landy’s user’s manual?
A: The train & bus schedule.

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

I'm sure there's been a version of this but;-

The only way to pull off a lockdown afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted.
'An ambulance just drove by!'
'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.
'Matt's out on his bike and his mum is telling him off'
'Looks as if the Sanders are going into full isolation!'
'Jason has had his skate board taken off him
After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'
Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out,
'How do you know they're having sex?'
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'.

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

There's a plane with 5 passengers on board: Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Pope Francis, Angela Merkel, and a 10-year-old schoolboy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes. Trump says: "I need one. I’m the smartest man in the world and am needed to make America great again." He takes one and jumps. Johnson says, "I’m needed to sort out Britain." He takes one and jumps. The Pope says, "I need one as the world needs the Catholic Church." He takes one and jumps. Merkel says to the 10-year old boy: "You can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only just starting." The 10-year-old replies: "Don’t worry, there are 2 parachutes left. The smartest man in the world took my school bag.”

 

[Michael Montgomery]

Show me your......

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eaves dropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals".
"Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10?! But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard, he's never been out of the garden."

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea one day. The first one was called Justin and the second one was called Kristian. They were continually being chased and threatened by the sharks that inhabited the area.

Eventually Justin had had enough. He said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have to worry about being eaten all the time."

As he said this, a large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted!"

And believe it or not, with that Justin turned into a fearsome shark.
Kristian was horrified and so immediately swam away as he was scared of being eaten by his old friend.
As time went by, Justin found his new life as a shark to be boring and lonely. None of his old friends would let him get near them as they thought he would eat them and so they just swam away whenever he approached.
It took a while, but eventually Justin realized that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
Then one day he was swimming all alone as usual when he saw the mysterious cod again. He thought it'd be better if he could go back to his old life so he swam to the cod and begged to be changed back. The cod worked his magic and suddenly Justin was a prawn once more.
With tears of joy streaming down his cheeks Justin swam straight to Kristian's home.
As he opened the coral gate, the happy memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "Kristian, it's me, Justin, your old friend. Come out and see me again."
Kristian replied, "No way! You're a shark now and you'll just eat me. I'm not being tricked into being your dinner."
Justin shouted back "No, I'm not a shark any more. That was the old me. I've changed...
I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Kristian

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

Apparently Germany is now advising its citizens to stock up on sausages and cheese.

This is known as a Wurst Kase scenario.

 

[Chas]

Thank you Andy, your humour is just the thing at these grim times.

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

Thanks Chas, I'm trying to plumb new depths.

 

[flint]

A man, a pig and his dog are marooned on a deserted island. After a couple of months in isolation the man becomes lonely and begins getting ideas about the pig. But every time he tries it on with the pig, the dog would start biting his leg and barking at him.

One day the man spots a beautiful woman floating on a raft out in the sea. He swims out as fast as he can and rescues her, and brings her onshore. The woman is overwhelmed with gratitude for him and says

“Thank you for saving me, I will do anything you want”.

With a cheeky glint in his eye, delighted with this offer, the man eagerly says

“Brilliant! You see that dog? Go take him for a feckin walk”

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

Just been pulled over by police, they searched my car & found a mask, duct tape, rubber gloves, rope & plastic sheet concealed in the boot, they believed i was a front line health worker & let me go cant wait to get on with my usual business tonight.

 

[Chas]

A guy was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be the best round of golf he had ever played in his life.
Consequently, he decided to get in a couple of more holes before dashing off to the hospital. But instead of a couple, he ended up playing all eighteen holes.

He ended up shooting a personal best of 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant!!....Then he remembered his wife.
Feeling guilty he raced to the hospital where he saw the doctor in the corridor and then breathlessly asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf, didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself, yyyeeeww bastard! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will most certainly be your last! For the rest of her life your wife will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."
The man broke down and sobbed into his hands.
The doctor chuckled, slapped him on the back and said, "I'm just joking..... She's dead.... What'd you score?"

 

[flint]

What do you call a magician who has lost his magic ?



Ian.

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

Every time I finish a roll of toilet paper it feels like another petal just fell off the enchanted rose in Beauty and the Beast.

 

[Towpack]

How about some classic Groucho Marx one liners......
Groucho Marx.....

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few local businesses as a result of COVID-19.
A local bra manufacturer has gone bust.
Submarine company has gone under.
Manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation
Dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers.
Company supplying paper for origami enthusiasts has folded.
Local strip club has gone tits up.
Interflora is pruning its business. Dyno-rod has gone down the drain.
The saddest one though is the ice cream van man found covered in nuts and raspberry sauce. He coulnd't take it any more so tried to top himself.

 

[jibberjabber]

Groucho Marx one liner


Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

 

[Towpack]

That wasn‘t a request JJ!

 

[jibberjabber]

That wasn‘t a request JJ!

Ouch, sorry, my mistake, I get the picture now, I must of misunderstood the post.

Disclaimer.

This is a Groucho Marx one liner, not requested by Towpack.

“Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.”

 

[flint]

When Charles Dickens wrote A Tale of Two Cities, he managed to get it published in two newspapers, they were the Bicester Times and the Worcester Times.