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Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
- Start date
Michael Montgomery
Well-Known Member
While Titian was mixing rose madder
His model reclined on a ladder
Her position to Titian
Suggested coition
So he leapt up the ladder and 'ad 'er!
There was a young lady named Gloria
Who was 'had' by Sir Gerald du Maurier
Another ten men
And Sir Gerald again
And the band from the Waldorf Astoria
There was an old gaucho called Bruno,
Who said: "if there's one thing I do know
"A woman is fine
"A boy is devine
"But a llama is numero uno
His model reclined on a ladder
Her position to Titian
Suggested coition
So he leapt up the ladder and 'ad 'er!
There was a young lady named Gloria
Who was 'had' by Sir Gerald du Maurier
Another ten men
And Sir Gerald again
And the band from the Waldorf Astoria
There was an old gaucho called Bruno,
Who said: "if there's one thing I do know
"A woman is fine
"A boy is devine
"But a llama is numero uno
Michael Montgomery
Well-Known Member
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goodoldboy
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LOL nice one Chas , one of the best on this thread IMO
Michael Montgomery
Well-Known Member
Michael Montgomery
Well-Known Member
Michael Montgomery
Well-Known Member
Michael Montgomery
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Especially the last uttering.
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I used to phone for that forecast while drunk in a pub full of rowdy drunken fishermen and it could have been saying the same 
Who rang was just randomly selected and i'm half deaf anyway but nobody ever noticed my following public announcement was always the same "get to bed you drunken $^*%£ we are going to sea at 4am"
Who rang was just randomly selected and i'm half deaf anyway but nobody ever noticed my following public announcement was always the same "get to bed you drunken $^*%£ we are going to sea at 4am"
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[Buckingham Palace]
Prince Philip, looking out of the window: “Raining again today.”
The Queen: “Yes dear...
*looks to camera and winks*
...just like I do every day.”
Prince Philip, looking out of the window: “Raining again today.”
The Queen: “Yes dear...
*looks to camera and winks*
...just like I do every day.”
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We seem to be annoyed by absolutely everything. Vegetarians are enraged by people who eat meat. Remainers are enraged by those who voted for Brexit. Poor people are enraged when a rich neighbour applies for permission to plant a hedge. There's no tolerance at all. The middle ground has become as alien as Mars and it has to stop.
Everyone. Tories, Muslims, young and elderly, migrants, rockers, hip-hoppers and Jewish people. Vegetarians, white folk, bacon enthusiasts, speed freaks, the fat and the fit, the timid, black people, policemen, Christians, vicars and socialists. If we want to live in a happy country we must all come together as one and gang up on the cyclists.
Everyone. Tories, Muslims, young and elderly, migrants, rockers, hip-hoppers and Jewish people. Vegetarians, white folk, bacon enthusiasts, speed freaks, the fat and the fit, the timid, black people, policemen, Christians, vicars and socialists. If we want to live in a happy country we must all come together as one and gang up on the cyclists.
I like your thinking Andy.
The Russian Police were given orders that everyone got a speeding ticket on this day.
Well one morning Putin set off for the Kremlin but told his driver he would do the driving today, so they set off and on the way he sped past a couple of motor cycle cops and one took off after him.
When he came back the other cop said “Did you give him a ticket”? “No” the other one replied, “He was too important” “But everyone is supposed to get one today, who was it”?
“I didn’t recognise him but his driver is Vladimir Putin”
Well one morning Putin set off for the Kremlin but told his driver he would do the driving today, so they set off and on the way he sped past a couple of motor cycle cops and one took off after him.
When he came back the other cop said “Did you give him a ticket”? “No” the other one replied, “He was too important” “But everyone is supposed to get one today, who was it”?
“I didn’t recognise him but his driver is Vladimir Putin”
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course child. What may I do for you?' 'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they might confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me?. Hide it under your robes perhaps. 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'!!
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.
Next please !
'Of course child. What may I do for you?' 'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they might confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me?. Hide it under your robes perhaps. 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'!!
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.
Next please !
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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...
and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:
Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"
Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."
Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"
Me: "A car."
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer:"So, you're drunk."
Me:"But I didn't drink anything."
Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?
Me:"A motorcycle."
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"
Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.
Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"
Officer:"A prostitute of course."
Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"
Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...
and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:
Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"
Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."
Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"
Me: "A car."
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer:"So, you're drunk."
Me:"But I didn't drink anything."
Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?
Me:"A motorcycle."
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"
Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.
Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"
Officer:"A prostitute of course."
Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"
Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...
