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Jokes

No just had a count up all me marbles is all there in a tankard on the mantlepiece so there we go Chas your jokes is getting better and better in quality lots bloody smiley faeces
 
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One day a teacher at a primary school asked her pupils "If you weren't covered with skin, what would you like to be covered with?"
One little boy said "Miss, miss I would like to be covered with gold"
The teacher said "Very interesting Johnny, why is that?"
Little Johnny said "Well miss every time I scratched myself there would be a little pile of gold and I would save them up and buy a BMW"
Another boy said "Miss, miss I would like to be covered with platinum"
The teacher said "Very interesting David, why is that?"
Little David said "Well miss every time I scratched myself there would be a little pile of platinum and platinum is worth more than gold so I would save them up and buy a Toyota Land Cruiser"
A third little boy said "Well I would like to be covered with pubic hair"
The teacher said "Very interesting Michael, why is that?"
And Michael said "My sister has a huge patch of pubic hair, and you should see the line of cars outside our house"
 
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians".
One week later, the British authorities reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in North Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f*** all.
Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."
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Just makes you bloody proud to be British, don't it!
 
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An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up...
Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell, they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone.
The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.
 
The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motoways, which was very busy with inferior cars.

First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the exit slip! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway!

The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.

Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane.

Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!

Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.

Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me!

He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.

Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast!

Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my drivers licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me!
 
A man was driving down a motorway with his blonde girlfriend and she piped up “I think those people in the car next to us are from another country”
“What makes you think that?” he said.
“Well the kids are writing on the window and it says “Stit ruoy us wohs”
 
That was bloody amazing Dervish din aff laff the boris one haaaa
 
Festive thought.


Just think of the hundreds of tons of wrapping paper and boxes that have been opened in the last two hours. All done by child labour, shame on you all. Bar humbug!!!!
 
Festive thought.


Just think of the hundreds of tons of wrapping paper and boxes that have been opened in the last two hours. All done by child labour, shame on you all. Bar humbug!!!!
 

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