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Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
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- Nov 19, 2010
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Been to the sales today and bought a pair of Loafers. I thought "crumbs", they are a bargain, so I got my dough out.
They should keep your tootsies nice and toasty Andy.
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tonytoyota
Well-Known Member
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Hi Andy that is a good one big up from Tony hope you 2 r well.
Many years ago leaders of the world were praying to God, President Bush said "How long will it be before the USA will be ruling the whole world"?
and god replied "About 2160"
Bush said "I won't be around that long"
.
The Israeli military leader and politician Moshe Dyan asked God "how long will it be before the Arabs stop fighting us"?
and God told him "About 2260"
Moshe Dyan said "I won't be here that long"
.
Prime Minister Tony Blair prayed "How long will it be before we have an education system that works well, how long will it be until we have peace with the unions, how long before British products are bought all over the world once again"
and God said "I won't be around that long"
and god replied "About 2160"
Bush said "I won't be around that long"
.
The Israeli military leader and politician Moshe Dyan asked God "how long will it be before the Arabs stop fighting us"?
and God told him "About 2260"
Moshe Dyan said "I won't be here that long"
.
Prime Minister Tony Blair prayed "How long will it be before we have an education system that works well, how long will it be until we have peace with the unions, how long before British products are bought all over the world once again"
and God said "I won't be around that long"
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Scaramouche?
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- Nov 19, 2010
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- Joined
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The first vaccinated nurses are doing well
Phwoar!, I think I must nick that Andy.
Michael Montgomery
Well-Known Member
When your owners a hairdresser
Good morning
Michael Montgomery
Well-Known Member
Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy’s Pub in London. After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.”
The other bloke responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”
The first one says, “So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?”
The other bloke answers, “I’m from Dublin , I am.”
The first one responds, “So am I!”
“Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin?”
The other bloke says, “A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.”
The first one says, “Faith and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?”
The other bloke answers, “Well now, I went to St. Mary’s, of course.” The first one gets really excited and says, “And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?”
The other bloke answers, “Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.”
The first one exclaims, “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same place tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self!”
About this time, Vicky walks up to the bar, sits down and orders a drink.
Brian, the barman, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, “It’s going to be a long night tonight.”
Vicky asks, “Why do you say that, Brian?”
“The Murphy twins are drunk again.”
The other bloke responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”
The first one says, “So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?”
The other bloke answers, “I’m from Dublin , I am.”
The first one responds, “So am I!”
“Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin?”
The other bloke says, “A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.”
The first one says, “Faith and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?”
The other bloke answers, “Well now, I went to St. Mary’s, of course.” The first one gets really excited and says, “And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?”
The other bloke answers, “Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.”
The first one exclaims, “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same place tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self!”
About this time, Vicky walks up to the bar, sits down and orders a drink.
Brian, the barman, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, “It’s going to be a long night tonight.”
Vicky asks, “Why do you say that, Brian?”
“The Murphy twins are drunk again.”
Michael Montgomery
Well-Known Member
Some of Us are way to complicated
- Joined
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The way things are going...
Ordering a Pizza in 2022
CALLER: Is this Pizza Hut?
GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.
GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.
CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: Super! That’s what I’ll have.
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How the hell do you know that?
GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Lloyds Pharmacy, 4 months ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another Pharmacy.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!
CALLER: WHAT THE HELL!
GOOGLE: I'm sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...
.
Welcome to the future
Ordering a Pizza in 2022
CALLER: Is this Pizza Hut?
GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.
GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.
CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: Super! That’s what I’ll have.
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How the hell do you know that?
GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Lloyds Pharmacy, 4 months ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another Pharmacy.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!
CALLER: WHAT THE HELL!
GOOGLE: I'm sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...
.
Welcome to the future
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The hill billy boy introduced his girl to his parents and told them "She's a virgin Ma"
His ma said "You ain't gonna marry her boy, if she ain't good enough for her own family, then she ain’t good enough for our family.”
His ma said "You ain't gonna marry her boy, if she ain't good enough for her own family, then she ain’t good enough for our family.”
