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Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
- Start date
Trevor
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- Jul 25, 2010
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Superman was flying around town and suddenly spied Wonder Woman sunbathing nude on her apartment roof, he flies in for a closer look and thinks " I'd love a piece of that" but discretion takes over.
He still flying around and can't stop thinking about her, he says to himself "I'm Superman, the fastest Superhero in the world. I can be in and out faster than anyone I know", so he flies back and can see she is still sunbathing.
Before you know it, he swoops down and true to form is in and out before you know it.
Wonder Woman says "what the hell was that?" and the Invisible Man says "I don't know but my arse sure hurts"
It's an oldie but a goodie
He still flying around and can't stop thinking about her, he says to himself "I'm Superman, the fastest Superhero in the world. I can be in and out faster than anyone I know", so he flies back and can see she is still sunbathing.
Before you know it, he swoops down and true to form is in and out before you know it.
Wonder Woman says "what the hell was that?" and the Invisible Man says "I don't know but my arse sure hurts"
It's an oldie but a goodie
Annamarie
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Mar 27, 2011
- Messages
- 713
A robber broke into a house and a parrot in the corner said, “Jesus is watching you.” The robber paid him no attention and keep bagging his goods. The parrot repeated, “Jesus is watching you.” The robber said, “What’s your name, stupid bird?” The bird said “Moses, and Jesus is watching you.” The robber says, "what kinda stupid people name their bird Moses?" The bird says, "the same kinda people who name their pit bull Jesus!”
Chas
Well-Known Member
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
___________________________________________________________________________________
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal treatment? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
___________________________________________________________________________________
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal treatment? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
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Annamarie
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- Mar 27, 2011
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- 713
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."
Chas
Well-Known Member
THE GUN FIGHTER!
A Cowboy was sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, when he recognized an Elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.
The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition to be a gun fighter.
'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your Leg.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man. 'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow-tie off the piano player.
'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'
'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man. 'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player
'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'No,' said the old-timer,
'But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your arse and it won't hurt as much.'
A Cowboy was sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, when he recognized an Elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.
The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition to be a gun fighter.
'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your Leg.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man. 'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow-tie off the piano player.
'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'
'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man. 'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player
'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'No,' said the old-timer,
'But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your arse and it won't hurt as much.'
Annamarie
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- Joined
- Mar 27, 2011
- Messages
- 713
An old man lived alone in Ireland.
He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly, he received this reply: "For HEAVEN'S SAKE, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the money!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any money.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do from here
He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly, he received this reply: "For HEAVEN'S SAKE, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the money!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any money.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do from here
Chas
Well-Known Member
The Office Christmas Party
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th November
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if the General Manager shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees! The General Manager will make a special announcement at the Party.
Merry Christmas to you and your Family
Malcolm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Malcolm
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party.' The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Malcolm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM; Malcolm
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th November
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? . . . Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap.
NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Malcolm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Malcolm
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table, too.
To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. And No, no blow-up sheep.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!
Malcolm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Malcolm
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8 November
RE: The F****** Holiday Party.
Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it.
You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feeling, too.
They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!
Hope you all have a rotten holiday * drink, drive, and die!
~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Paul Wilson - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 13th November
RE: Malcolm Wood and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Malcolm Wood a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to him.
In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th November
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if the General Manager shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees! The General Manager will make a special announcement at the Party.
Merry Christmas to you and your Family
Malcolm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Malcolm
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party.' The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Malcolm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM; Malcolm
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th November
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? . . . Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap.
NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Malcolm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Malcolm
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table, too.
To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. And No, no blow-up sheep.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!
Malcolm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Malcolm
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8 November
RE: The F****** Holiday Party.
Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it.
You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feeling, too.
They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!
Hope you all have a rotten holiday * drink, drive, and die!
~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Paul Wilson - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 13th November
RE: Malcolm Wood and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Malcolm Wood a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to him.
In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay
Chas
Well-Known Member
Following a day driving through Mexico, a tourist stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping a tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter of food being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served that table?”
“It is called Cojones de Toro, the testicles from the bull fight that was held here this morning, a delicious delicacy served by our restaurant only!”
So I said, “What the heck, bring me an order.”
The waiter replied, “I am so sorry senor. As there is only one bull fight each morning, we have only one serving per day. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.”
The next morning, he returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting the platter, he called to the waiter and said,
“These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.”
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,
“Si Senor, sometimes the bull, he wins.”
He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served that table?”
“It is called Cojones de Toro, the testicles from the bull fight that was held here this morning, a delicious delicacy served by our restaurant only!”
So I said, “What the heck, bring me an order.”
The waiter replied, “I am so sorry senor. As there is only one bull fight each morning, we have only one serving per day. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.”
The next morning, he returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting the platter, he called to the waiter and said,
“These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.”
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,
“Si Senor, sometimes the bull, he wins.”
Chas
Well-Known Member
Just for you Graham;
A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Welshman, soon he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was an other shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen .. she was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual, it was another beautiful evening . red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get 'those feelings' again, he fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,
'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?
A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Welshman, soon he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was an other shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen .. she was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual, it was another beautiful evening . red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get 'those feelings' again, he fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,
'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?
Chas
Well-Known Member
A very loud, greasy, unattractive, tattooed, welfare dependent, chav, minger, woman wearing a Manchester United top walked into ASDA in Cheetham Hill with her two kids yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The ASDA greeter said pleasantly, “Good morning madam, and welcome to ASDA.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins by any chance?”
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
”F*ck no, they're not twins.
The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the f*ck would you think they're twins?
Are you blind, thick or just stupid?”
”I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam, “replied the greeter.
”I just couldn't believe you've been shagged twice.
Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at ASDA.”
The ASDA greeter said pleasantly, “Good morning madam, and welcome to ASDA.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins by any chance?”
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
”F*ck no, they're not twins.
The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the f*ck would you think they're twins?
Are you blind, thick or just stupid?”
”I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam, “replied the greeter.
”I just couldn't believe you've been shagged twice.
Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at ASDA.”
Chas
Well-Known Member
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get t*ts too.”
The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get t*ts too.”
Golf Fence
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer."
Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money?
You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer."
Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money?
You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
