Jokes

[Chas]

One day, God speaks to Noah. "Noah", he says, "I want you to build another Ark."
"What, like the last one?" asks Noah.
"Yes," replies God, "Except this time, I want it to have 14 decks."
"And shall I lead all the animals into it, two by two, like last time?' asks Noah.
"No, this time I only want you to lead fish into it".
Noah is a little puzzled. "Just fish?" he asks.
"Yes," says God. "In fact, just carp."
"Just carp? Why carp?" Noah quizzes.
"Well," says God, "I've always wanted a multi-storey carp Ark!"



Wait for it, there's more;

After the Ark had successfully landed on Mt Ararat, the survivors
went forth. After a while, one of the wives noticed her father-in-law
sitting on the ground and chewing animal hides. Every now and then,
the father-in-law would chew a particularly hirsute hide and make a
notation on a tablet.
The wife asked her husband what his father was doing, to which the
son replied, "What can I say, there is Noah counting fur tastes".

 

[joinerman]

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what is wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.



There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.



I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.



A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.



The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'



'There's something wrong with my Private Parts, he replied.



The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '



'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.



The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'



The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.



The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'



'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.



The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'



'I can't pee out of it,' he replied.



The waiting room erupted in laughter...



Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose.

 

[Bungarra]

A young couple wanted to join the church, the priest told them,
'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must Abstain from sex for one whole month.'

The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.

When the priest ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.

'You are back so soon...Is there a problem?' the priest inquired.
'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' The young man replied sadly

The priest asked him what happened.

'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.

The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain.

However, the third week was unbearable.

We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts.

One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.

When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there.

It was lustful, loud, passionate sex.

It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat, admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The priest lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'

'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at the local hardware shop, either.'

 

[andyw]

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:

Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2:
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congrats". But, none of them touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".

Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.

FIVE OTHER SIMPLE TRUTHS:



1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a BMW than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

Bonus Truth:





Condoms don't guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

 

[Chas]

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy."

Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again in a controlled voice : "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."

Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She says "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad."

"Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. The little bastard's name is Kevin."

 

[clivehorridge]

Oh, I like that one Chas!

Time ago when walking round the supermarket with my ex-gf and her 7 year old boy (often running riot at my embarrassment) she used to deny him being her son, to the extent that she would join in with onlookers who were saying "I wonder who that little brat belongs to, his parents should be ashamed of themselves" and such like!

Quite funny now, looking back on that!

 

[Chas]

Why are men happier People?



Your last name stays put....

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress £2000. Tux rental £50.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, He or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..

Everything on your face stays its original color..

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look..

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

 

[Chas]

Over five thousand years ago Moses said to the children of Israel .. "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land."

Nearly 50 years ago, Harold Wilson said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the promised land."

Then Tony Blair and Gordon Brown stole your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, sold off our gold and mortgaged the promised land.

Now David Cameron has loaned my shovel to a third World country, (he hasn't realised yet that WE are now a third World country), raised my fuel bills, lent my money to a crowd of incompetent, greedy "merchant bankers", is squandering our money in overseas aid and has increased VAT to 20%.

I got so depressed last night I called the Samaritans. They diverted my call to a call centre in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal; they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

 

[joinerman]

Poker.
Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Kim wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Kim told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Kim the agreed sum of £500 – they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Kim answered, 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you £500?'

Kim, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me £500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed £500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now… THAT, my friends, is a poker player!

 

[joinerman]

A little old lady went into the Bank one day, carrying a bag of money. She asked to speak with the bank manager to open an account because, “It’s a lot of money!” The reluctant staff finally ushered her into his office.

The bank manager then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, “£165,000!” and dumped the cash on his desk.

The manager was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, “Madame, where did you get this money?”

The old lady replied, “I make bets.”

The manager then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?”

The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you £25,000 that your balls are square.”

“Ha!” laughed the,manager “That’s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!”

The old lady challenged, “So, would you like to take my bet?”

“Sure,” said the manager, “I’ll bet £25,000 that my balls are not square!”

The old lady said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?”

“Sure!” replied the confident manager.

That night, he was very nervous about the bet and often checked his balls in the mirror. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the manager’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the manager and repeated the bet: “£25,000 says the manager’s balls are square!” The manager agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The manager complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. “Well, Okay,” said the manager , “£25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.”

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The manager said, “What wrong with your lawyer?” She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him £100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I’d have the Bank manager’s balls in my hand!”

 

[joinerman]

Teacher: if there was three birds in a branch and you shoot one, how many are left?
Student: none.
Teacher: none?
Student: yes none. Because if you shoot one bird.... The other two will get scared and fly away.
Teacher: not the answer i was looking for, but i like the way you think.
Student: i've got a question for you. There's three women eating ice cream. One is licking the ice cream, one is biting the ice cream and one is sucking the ice cream. Which one of the women is married.
Teacher: Hmmm..... The one sucking the ice cream!
Student: no... The one with a wedding ring, but i like the way you think!!!!

 

[joinerman]

Go and have a look at the size of the turd I've just done in the bathroom!" I said to my wife.

"No thanks," she replied.

"Please, just one quick look," I said, "You won't believe it, it's a good two pounder."

Shaking her head in disbelief, she pinched her nose, ran in, looked down the toilet, then ran out and said, "There's nothing down there, you must've flushed it."

I said, "It's on the scales."

 

[Chas]

A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Qantas from Sydney to Auckland. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant, “If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did”.

"Well then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Qantas always pulls out on time, now go and ask her to explain that to you."

 

[Chas]

"Have you ever seen twenty pounds all crumpled up?" the woman asked her husband.

"No" said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.

He took the crumpled twenty pound note from her and smiled approvingly.

"Have you ever seen fifty pounds all crumpled up?" she then asked her husband?

"No, no, I haven't" he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.

He took the crumpled fifty pound note and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now" she said. "Have you everseen £20,000 all crumpled up?"

"No, never" he said, licking his eyebrows like a slobbering wolf.

"Well, go and look in the garage!"

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

Why are men happier People?



Your last name stays put....

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress £2000. Tux rental £50.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, He or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..

Everything on your face stays its original color..

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look..

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Just to add, if someone turns up at a party wearing the same outfit you might just have a friend for life

Andy

 

[joinerman]

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Shit Ron, how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go ?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who ?'"

I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said she had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!

She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."





So . . . . here I am !

 

[joinerman]

Apple Computers announced today that it has developed
a computer chip that can store and play high-fidelity music
in women's breast implants.

The " iTit" will cost between £499.00 and £699.00, depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their tits and not listening to them.

 

[Bungarra]

Sorry, but they had to come!
​

Q. What do you get if you cross the English cricket team with an OXO cube?
​

A. A laughing stock.
​

Q. What's the height of optimism?
​

A: An English batsman putting on sunscreen.
​

Q. What's the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car?
​

A. Not much! If you blink you'll miss them both.
​

Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
​

A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.
​

Q. What does an English batsman playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
​

A. They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.
​

Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and the Pommie batsmen?
​

A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.
​

Q. What's the difference between the English Cricket team and a funeral director?
​

A. A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes.
​

 

[Paddler Ed]

Why are men happier People?

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

That's what I'm aiming for at the moment... So far we seem to have sub-contracted it out to respective parents... It's a bit of a challenge planning it from 10,500 miles away, but at the same time it's a lot easier!

 

[froggy Steve]

Yeah, very good
I dont know why they even bothered to go!
Steve

Sorry, but they had to come!
​

Q. What do you get if you cross the English cricket team with an OXO cube?
​

A. A laughing stock.
​

Q. What's the height of optimism?
​

A: An English batsman putting on sunscreen.
​

Q. What's the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car?
​

A. Not much! If you blink you'll miss them both.
​

Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
​

A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.
​

Q. What does an English batsman playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
​

A. They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.
​

Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and the Pommie batsmen?
​

A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.
​

Q. What's the difference between the English Cricket team and a funeral director?
​

A. A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes.
​