Jokes

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman."

Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."

She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.

The following morning the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it."

He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds." Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.

His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, which he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."

The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed; he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."

In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the $125.00 or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."

The defendant immediately wrote a check.

 

[Chas]

Sister Sarah is a Nun and also the district nurse doing her rounds of patient's when she runs out of petrol. Luckily a petrol station is nearby, but its only petrol can is out on loan.
The Nun goes back to her car to find something in her car to use instead.
Always resourceful, she spots a bed pan, carries it to the station, fills it up and returns to the car.
As she is pouring the petrol into the tank, two men see her from across the road. One turns to his pal and, amazed, says "if that car starts, I'm turning Catholic.

 

[Bat21]

I went into town yesterday and bought myself one of those remotes that changes the TV, Sky Box, Sound System etc. when I got home I opened up the box and looked at it in awe..... I thought to myself 'this changes everything'.



Okay, I'll get my coat

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. After bringing in all the luggage, the guy says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says "Well put them between my legs and I will warm them up."

Later he goes out to catch a few fish for lunch and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well put them between my legs and I'll warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says,"Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She (smiles) and says, "Darn Honey, don't your EARS ever get cold?"

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

A small tourist hotel was all a buzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.

The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years...

I thought he meant his money!!"

 

[Chas]

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, ...my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think £500 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya' tell me the dog was Catholic?`

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head "No".

"Well then", she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?".

Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.

 

[Chas]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."

"The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need your over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the East for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need. Inshallah".

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration and
rasped ...

"They won't let me in without a f-------g tie!”

 

[clivehorridge]

Quite right too!

 

[Shayne]

Brilliant Chas that's so very British

 

[Chas]

Can't remember if this one has been on here before;



Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says : Male or female?

Customer says: 'Female.'

Counter guy asks : Black or white?

Customer says : 'White.'

Counter guy asks : Christian or Muslim?

Customer says : What the heck does religion have to do with it?

Counter guy says : 'The Muslim one blows itself up.

 

[Crispin]

[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]I once got into an argument with Keith Richards.[/FONT]
[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]He said "If you don't shut up I'll hit you with my guitar"[/FONT]
[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, lucida grande, tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif]I said "Is that a fret?"[/FONT]

 

[Chas]

The Naked Cowboy

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out on the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ......

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants.... So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town, cowboy.. '

'And here I am.'

Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist!!!!

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

So the Marvelo the cruise ship magician performed his act three times every day to the adoring passengers, performing a number of unbelivable tricks.

One of his finest was the 'Disappearing Parrot' routine. Each show Marvelo would be handed a beautiful parrot on stage, wonderful plummage and three feet from beak to tail. He would place the parrot, who went by the name of Amazonia, into a large sack, tie the top securely and place the sack containing Amazonia on the stage. Marvelo would then go into a trance and wave his wand over the sack muttering the magic words 'Ozaza kababa juranjuran' repeatedly. Amazonia had been well trained over many years by Marvelo to depart the sack via a hidden flap and drop through a trap door in the stage. Once Amazonia was clear, Marvelo would snap out of his trace and shout KABOOM and throw the sack into the air, demonstrating that Amazonia had disappeared to the wonderment of the delighted audience.

The only sadness was that Marvelo and Amazonia used to speak a lot with each other, but fell out over splitting appearance fees some years previously. However, they realised that they both needed each other to continue the act to make a living and agreed to never speak to each other again

During the act one day, just as Marvelo shouted KABOOM as the grand finale of the act the ship's main boiler blew, leaving a massive hole in the ship which sunk within seconds. All souls were lost except, miraculously, Marvelo and Amazonia who ended up alone in a life boat.

All was well but as the days passed Marvelo couldn't help but notice that Amazonia kept staring at him as if the parrot had something to say. Eventually Marvelo couldn't take it any more and said 'Come on Amazonia, spit it out, what do you want to say?'

And the parrot said.....















































































'OK, I give up, what did you do with the ship?'

 

[Chas]

That's a cracker Andy.

Please BE WARNED!

Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Sainsbury's for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience.

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another supermarket store, in my case, Tesco's.

You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to, cough, remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen on October 4th, 9th,10th, and twice on the 15th. Then again on November 1st, 4th, 6[SUP]th[/SUP], 13th and twice yesterday.

So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam.

The best times are just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon.


P.S. Aldi have wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidll are only £1.75 and lookbetter.

 

[Chas]

A U.S. army platoon was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi insurgent, badly injured and unconscious, on the left-hand side of the road.

On the right-hand side was a British soldier in a similar, but less serious state. The Brit was conscious and alert. As first aid was given to both men, the American platoon leader asked the injured soldier what had happened.
The soldier reported: ‘I was recce-ing the highway here when suddenly; coming towards me from the south was a heavily-armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches either side of the road.

‘I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein had been a miserable, lowlife scumbag who‘d got what he deserved. The insurgent yelled back that Gordon Brown is a fat, useless, lying, one-eyed porridge wog. And furthermore, Lord Mandelson is a pillow-biting gay bastard!

‘So I said that Osama Bin Laden wears dresses and ponces about like a frigid, hatchet-faced lesbian.

"He retaliated by saying that so does Harriet Harman.
‘And, there we were in the middle of the road shaking hands, when the f*ckingbus hit us”

 

[Chas]

A Japanese couple were having an argument ....

Husband says "Sukitaki !"

Wife replies "Kowanini !" ...

Husband says "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo !"

Wife on her knees begging "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji !"

Husband replies angrily "Kina tim kouji !"

And look at you, sitting there reading this as if you understand Japanese ....

You daft beggers !!!

 

[Chas]

A Jewish American is watching a TV documentary in a New York bar. He's getting more and more drunk and has his head propped in his hands as he watches the TV telling all about the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbour.

The narrator says, "On 7th December 1941, the Imperial Japanese Navy launched an unprovoked air attack on Pearl Harbour in Hawaii."

The Jew tuts into his beer. "

A third of the US Fleet was destroyed in the single worst attack of the Second World War."

The Jew gets angrier and tuts even more loudly.

"Twenty-five thousand US men and women were killed that day, some of them burned horrifically!"

The Jew gets so mad he wants to vent his anger.

He turns round and sees a little oriental guy on a bar stool at the end of the bar. He runs over and punches the Oriental in the face and knocks him off his stool.

The Oriental says, "What d'fuck was dat for, you stoopid iriot?!!"

"That was for Pearl Harbour!"

The American Jew feels proud of himself and the Oriental says, "You stoopid iriot, that was the fuckin Japanese, I'm Taiwanese!"

To which the Jew says, "Japanese, Chinese, Taiwanese, you're all slanty eyed yellow bastards!!" He sits back on his stool and starts drinking his beer.

The Taiwanese sits back on his stool and you can see his little brain working overtime.
The next moment, the Taiwanese goes flying across the bar and plants a flying kick on the side of the American Jew's head, sending him crashing into the wall, "Thud!"

The Jew says, "What the fuck was that for, you slanty eyed bastard?"

"Dat for de Titanic!"

"What the fuck are you on about? That was an iceberg!!"

" Iceberg, Goldberg, Spielberg, - you're all thieving, big-nosed Jew bastards"

 

[Chas]

When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.

One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"

"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking beautiful countryside, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."

"Were you a pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.

"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."

Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stormed off to find St. Peter.

Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying,

"How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows Vista operating system! Why does he deserve better?!"

"True," Peter replied, "But the Titanic only crashed once."

 

[Gary Stockton]

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'

This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer.* As they clinked glasses he added: 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.'

'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said 'what a coincidence'!