Jokes

[Chas]

A gynaecologist had become fed up with paying for malpractice insurance and all the paperwork involved in his job and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a car mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor.

"I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result,"the doc said, "but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

"No error, during the exam," the instructor said, "you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, and I have never seen that done before."

 

[Chas]

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour was asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached; I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The leadman was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie,what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Well thank fook for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little ba5tard was going to bark!"

 

[clivehorridge]

 

[Chas]

A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment. They were placed in a room at the other end of which was a naked woman on a bed.

The experimenter said every thirty seconds they would be allowed to cover only half the distance between themselves and the woman,

The mathematician said “This is pointless” and stormed off. The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway.

The mathematician said on his way out “Can’t you see, you’ll never actually reach her?”

To which the engineer replied, “So what? Pretty soon I’ll be close enough for all practical purposes”!

 

[Chas]

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus, the barman says "You mean a Martini"
The Roman says "If I wanted a double I would have asked for it"

A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks "dry?", he replies "Nein, just one"

Pavlov is sitting in a bar having a pint and his phone rings and he jumps up and says "Oh shit, I forgot to feed the dog"

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

A Photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The Photon replies "No I'm traveling light"

A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.

 

[Chas]

Husband’s Message (by cellphone):

Honey, a car has hit me on my way to the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital.

They have been making tests and taking X-rays

A blow to my head was very strong, fortunately it seems that did not cause any serious injury,

but I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot.








Wife’s Response:

Who is Paula?

 

[Red Oktober]

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.

The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead beautiful blonde... the works!

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'me.... could I see your drivers license...?"

"...What's a license...???" replied the... blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

"It's usually in your wallet..." replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration..." asked the cop.

"Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently.

After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll be back in a minute..." said the cop and walked back to his car.

The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back;

"Ummm.... is this woman driving a red sports car?" "Yes...." replied the officer "Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher "Uh... yes" replied the cop.

"Here's what you do...." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants..."

"WHAT!!? I can't do that. Its..... inappropriate..." exclaimed the cop.

"Trust me..... just do it...." said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not ANOTHER breathalyzer......"

 

[Chas]

A farmer in Yorkshire see’s a bloke drinking from his stream and shouts

“Ey up cock! Tha dun wanna be drinking watta from theer, it’s full o hoss piss an cow shite”

The blokesays “I’m from London, can you speak a bit slower please”

The farmer replies “If – you – use – two – hands – you – won’t – spill – any”

 

[Chas]

The difference between Officers and NCOs

A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears had been amputated.
Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army.


Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General.
He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing
three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff.

The first was a Captain, a tactical helicopter pilot, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, 'Do you notice anything different about me?'
The young officer answered, 'Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears.'

The general was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was even better. The General then asked him the same question,

'Do you notice anything different about me?'
He replied sheepishly, 'Well, sir, you have no ears.' The General threw him out also.

The third interview was with an old Sergeant Major, an Infantryman and staff-trained NCO.
He was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp, and seemed to know more than the two officers combined.

The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' To his surprise theSergeant Major said,

'Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.'

The General was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears.' He asked, 'Sergeant Major, how do you know I wear contacts?'
'Well, sir,' the soldier replied, 'it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f*****g ears.'

 

[Chas]

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport , President Obama strides out to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London , where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace , waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire . The smell is so atrocious that both passengers in the carriage, must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but, the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen politely turns to President Obama and says:

"Mr President, please accept my deepest regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," responded:

"Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

 

[Chas]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet.
Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a golf ball.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '$250'

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a sand wedge.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy - '$750'
Man - 'Sold..'

A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside
and have some short game practice." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad"

The father says, "What?! How much did you sell them for?"

Boy - "$1,000"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess"

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t with me again, you're in my closet now!"

 

[clivehorridge]

Brilliant Chas!

 

[Bungarra]

Two soldier boys, Mick & Paddy, have been promoted from privates to L/Cpls.

Not long afterward, they're out for a walk and Mick says, "Hey, Paddy, there's the NCO Club; let's you and me step in."

"But we’re only privates," protests Paddy.

"We’re Lance/Cpls now," says Mick, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside.

"Now, Paddy, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we're privates," says Paddy.

"Are you blind, boy?" asks Mick, pointing again at his stripe. "We're Lance/Cpls now!"

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a one of the Army lass’s comes up to Mick.

"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea."

Mick pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Mick the big Thumbs Up.

Three weeks later Mick is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea.

Mick says to Paddy, "Why the hell did you give me the thumbs up?

"Well Mick, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates."

Pointing to his stripe, he says, "and we're Lance Cpls now!"

 

[Thomas A. Swift]

Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.
"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "Ar've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".
Archie nods approvingly.
"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that.
What's the tartan?...."
"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white.”

 

[Thomas A. Swift]

I went to see a prostitute and asked if she did kinky?
She replied 'yes' and proceeded to connect a set of jump leads to the cheeks of my butt.
Don't get me wrong I enjoyed it, but I can't believe how much she charged me.

 

[Thomas A. Swift]

SIMPLE TRUTH 1


Lovers help each other undress before sex.


However after sex, they always dress on their own.


Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.


SIMPLE TRUTH 2


When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats".


but, none of them touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".


Moral of the story: Hard work is never appreciated.


SIX RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE


1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than on a bicycle.


2.. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole's name.


3.. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.


4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.


5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.


6. Condoms don't guarantee safe sex..
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

 

[clivehorridge]

I went to see a prostitute and asked if she did kinky?
She replied 'yes' and proceeded to connect a set of jump leads to the cheeks of my butt.
Don't get me wrong I enjoyed it, but I can't believe how much she charged me.

AC or DC?

 

[Bungarra]

A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night. Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer.
He raced home and told his wife "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis.'
The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgetting the answer. Her husband keeps reminding her, "The head, heart and penis."
Come the game show she has forgotten again, and the presenter asks,
"For $100,000, what are the three main parts of the male anatomy? You have ten seconds."

"Um... The head."
"Good. Eight seconds."
"Um... The heart."
"That's right. Five seconds."

"Oh... Um... Damn. My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough!

You've won $100,000!"

 

[Chas]

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for six minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for more than 10 minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains his new teeth didn't fit well and the first Sunday his gums hurt so badly he couldn't talk for more than 6 minutes. The second Sunday his gums didn't hurt so much so he talked for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and for some reason he couldn't shut up.........









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[clivehorridge]

The simple ones are always the best Chas!