Don't like the adverts? Click here to remove them
Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
- Start date
I did that and put it on Facebook.
You'll get shot at one dark night Chas 
Poor old Rolf,
The cell door slammed shut, the lights went out.
He slumped down with his head in his hands and began to cry.
Suddenly a deep voice came from the darkness................
”Do you think I would leave you crying when there's room in my bunk for two......”
The cell door slammed shut, the lights went out.
He slumped down with his head in his hands and began to cry.
Suddenly a deep voice came from the darkness................
”Do you think I would leave you crying when there's room in my bunk for two......”
I see even the kangaroo is lodging a complaint now after it emerged Rolf liked to tie him down, sport ...
Don't like the adverts? Click here to remove them
An old lady was walking her dog on a pier at the seaside when it fell in, a German tourist leaped into the freezing water and held the dog to his chest and swam back.
He checked the dog over and gave it back to the very grateful old lady, who after seeing him check her little dog said "Are you a Vet?"
The German said "VET? I'm f*cking soaked"
He checked the dog over and gave it back to the very grateful old lady, who after seeing him check her little dog said "Are you a Vet?"
The German said "VET? I'm f*cking soaked"
A Scouser emigrates to Australia and buys a farm in the outback, he hadn’t been there very long when his phone rang,
“Whose dat” he said, the voice on the other end said “I’m your nearest neighbour, I live just South of you about 50 miles away and I thought I’d ring you and welcome you to Australia and invite you over for a real Australian Barbie next Saturday”
“OK” says the Scouser “But what’s a real Australian Barbie?”
The neighbour says “All the shrimps you can eat, all the amber nectar you can drink and all the rampant sex you can stand”
So your Scouser thinks I’ll have some of that, and asks “What sort of clothes should I wear?”
“Anything you like” says the man, “There’ll only be the two of us”
“Whose dat” he said, the voice on the other end said “I’m your nearest neighbour, I live just South of you about 50 miles away and I thought I’d ring you and welcome you to Australia and invite you over for a real Australian Barbie next Saturday”
“OK” says the Scouser “But what’s a real Australian Barbie?”
The neighbour says “All the shrimps you can eat, all the amber nectar you can drink and all the rampant sex you can stand”
So your Scouser thinks I’ll have some of that, and asks “What sort of clothes should I wear?”
“Anything you like” says the man, “There’ll only be the two of us”
A London lawyer on a trip to Scotland runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
Glasgow cop: "Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer...: "What for?"
Glasgow cop: "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer: "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop: "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Och, licence and registration, please"
London Lawyer: "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop: "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law, Och, licence and registration, please!"
London Lawyer: "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop: "Och, sounds fair. Exit your vehicle please sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his riot stick and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"
Glasgow cop: "Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer...: "What for?"
Glasgow cop: "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer: "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop: "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Och, licence and registration, please"
London Lawyer: "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop: "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law, Och, licence and registration, please!"
London Lawyer: "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop: "Och, sounds fair. Exit your vehicle please sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his riot stick and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"
Pat
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Jun 3, 2014
- Messages
- 932
- Country Flag
No one believes seniors
An elderly couple were celebrating their 60th anniversary.The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and moved back to their old neighbourhood when they retired.Holding hands they walked back to their old school.It was not locked so they entered and found the old desk they had shared,and where Andy had carved "I Love You Sally"On their way back home a bag of money fell out of an armoured car and landed at their feet.Sally quickly picked it up and unsure what to do with it took it home.There she counted the money.Fifty thousand dollars!Andy said we've got to give it back.Sally said finders keepers.put the money in the bag and hid it in the attic.Next day two policemen were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money and knocked on the door asking did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday.Sally said No. Andy said,She's lying. She hid it in the attic. Sally said,Don't believe him He's getting senile. The officers turned to Andy and said,Tell us the story from the beginning. Andy said, Well when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday. .One cop turned to the other and said,a We're out of here.
An elderly couple were celebrating their 60th anniversary.The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and moved back to their old neighbourhood when they retired.Holding hands they walked back to their old school.It was not locked so they entered and found the old desk they had shared,and where Andy had carved "I Love You Sally"On their way back home a bag of money fell out of an armoured car and landed at their feet.Sally quickly picked it up and unsure what to do with it took it home.There she counted the money.Fifty thousand dollars!Andy said we've got to give it back.Sally said finders keepers.put the money in the bag and hid it in the attic.Next day two policemen were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money and knocked on the door asking did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday.Sally said No. Andy said,She's lying. She hid it in the attic. Sally said,Don't believe him He's getting senile. The officers turned to Andy and said,Tell us the story from the beginning. Andy said, Well when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday. .One cop turned to the other and said,a We're out of here.
My girlfriend doesn't like my Dachshund, so I appeal to you.
She is a purebred from a wealthy area and I have had her 4 years.
She likes to play games. Not totally trained.
Has long hair so she's a little high maintenance, especially the nails, but she loves having them done.
Stays up all night yapping but sleeps while I work.
Only eats the best, most expensive food.
Will NEVER greet you at the door after a long day or give you unconditional love when you're down.
Does not bite but she can be mean as hell!
So........anyone interested in my 30 year old, selfish, wicked, gold-digging girlfriend? Come and get her! Me and my dog want her re-homed!!
She is a purebred from a wealthy area and I have had her 4 years.
She likes to play games. Not totally trained.
Has long hair so she's a little high maintenance, especially the nails, but she loves having them done.
Stays up all night yapping but sleeps while I work.
Only eats the best, most expensive food.
Will NEVER greet you at the door after a long day or give you unconditional love when you're down.
Does not bite but she can be mean as hell!
So........anyone interested in my 30 year old, selfish, wicked, gold-digging girlfriend? Come and get her! Me and my dog want her re-homed!!
My wife started taking flying lessons about the time of our divorce and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final later that same year.
Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing somewhere near Epsom because of bad weather.
The CAA (Civil Aviation Authority) issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.
The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board.
No one on the ground was injured.
The photograph below was taken at the scene and shows the extent of damage to her aircraft.
She was very lucky…
Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing somewhere near Epsom because of bad weather.
The CAA (Civil Aviation Authority) issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.
The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board.
No one on the ground was injured.
The photograph below was taken at the scene and shows the extent of damage to her aircraft.
She was very lucky…
An Irish man shows up in a pub one day and orders three pints of Guinness.
He takes sips from each glass until they are empty and calls the bartender for three more.
The bartender says, 'Sure it's up to yourself, but wouldn't you rather I was bringing them one at a time? Then they'll be fresh and cold.'
'Nah...' your man says, ' I'm preferrin' that ye bring 'em three at a time. You see, me and me two brothers would meet at a pub and drink and have good times. Now one is in Australia, the other in Canada and I'm here. We agreed before we split up that we'd drink to each other's health this way.'
'Well,' says the bartender, 'that's a grand thing to do, all right. I'll bring the pints as you ask.'
Well, time goes on and your man's peculiar habit is known and accepted by all the pub regulars. One day though, he comes in and orders only two pints.
A hush falls over the pub. Naturally, everyone figures something happened to one of the brothers.
A group of the regulars corner the bartender and finally persuade him to find out what happened. With a heavy heart, the bartender brings the two pints and says, 'Here's your pints... and let me offer my sincerest condolences. What happened?'
The Irish man looks extremely puzzled for a moment, and then starts laughing.
'Oh, no, no, no! 'Tis nothing like that. You see, I've given up drinking meself.
He takes sips from each glass until they are empty and calls the bartender for three more.
The bartender says, 'Sure it's up to yourself, but wouldn't you rather I was bringing them one at a time? Then they'll be fresh and cold.'
'Nah...' your man says, ' I'm preferrin' that ye bring 'em three at a time. You see, me and me two brothers would meet at a pub and drink and have good times. Now one is in Australia, the other in Canada and I'm here. We agreed before we split up that we'd drink to each other's health this way.'
'Well,' says the bartender, 'that's a grand thing to do, all right. I'll bring the pints as you ask.'
Well, time goes on and your man's peculiar habit is known and accepted by all the pub regulars. One day though, he comes in and orders only two pints.
A hush falls over the pub. Naturally, everyone figures something happened to one of the brothers.
A group of the regulars corner the bartender and finally persuade him to find out what happened. With a heavy heart, the bartender brings the two pints and says, 'Here's your pints... and let me offer my sincerest condolences. What happened?'
The Irish man looks extremely puzzled for a moment, and then starts laughing.
'Oh, no, no, no! 'Tis nothing like that. You see, I've given up drinking meself.
