Brilliant 
Even if I have to admit to being stupid to appreciate it, this is simple humour at its best
Even if I have to admit to being stupid to appreciate it, this is simple humour at its best
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Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
- Start date
Well, it has been a poxy day, The paper did not arrive till late, the milk was off, at lunch the pizza was cold and the washing machine packed up in the afternoon, there was not a thing decent on TV so I went to bed early, I was so glad that day was over, it was only as I lie there, contemplating life and it's various tasks and looking up at the stars that I thought............what bastard has stolen my roof!
regards
Dave
regards
Dave
Last edited:
- Joined
- Feb 2, 2013
- Messages
- 16,285
Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
“Yes”, said the policeman, “the detectives want very badly to capture him.”
Little Johnny asked: “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
“Yes”, said the policeman, “the detectives want very badly to capture him.”
Little Johnny asked: “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”
Not stupid that little Johnny...
4 people are in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman. It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel.
In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.
The old lady thinks, "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him"
The pretty young blonde thinks " I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him"
The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me"
The Englishman thinks, "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French tw@t again"
In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.
The old lady thinks, "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him"
The pretty young blonde thinks " I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him"
The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me"
The Englishman thinks, "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French tw@t again"
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Good one Chas!! [emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]
Any excuse, love it
Pat
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Jun 3, 2014
- Messages
- 932
- Country Flag
Had our fifty-first anniversary today.My son in England phoned me last night to remind me.So today,what were you doing at this time on our wedding
day,on the way to the church and so on during the day,those helpful little reminders,early evening and what were we doing.I'm tired got a headache
and am going to bed.Somethings just never change.
day,on the way to the church and so on during the day,those helpful little reminders,early evening and what were we doing.I'm tired got a headache
and am going to bed.Somethings just never change.
In a recently held linguistic competition held in London and attended by supposedly the best in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.
The final question was:.. How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand?
Some people say there is NO difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
Here is his answer……..
When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED, and when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!
The final question was:.. How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand?
Some people say there is NO difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
Here is his answer……..
When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED, and when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck.
However, finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A.
The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck.
However, finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A.
MHAMBI
New Member
- Joined
- Jul 9, 2015
- Messages
- 31
- Country Flag
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday", and possibly have a present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone, "Happy Birthday". I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but maybe the kids will remember. My kids came down for breakfast and didn't say a word.
So, when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good morning,
Boss, Happy Birthday". It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me". I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go".
We went to lunch. but we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day....we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment".
After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back." "OK", I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and after a couple of minutes, she came
out carrying a huge birthday cake......followed by my wife, kids and
dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there........
on the couch.......
naked.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone, "Happy Birthday". I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but maybe the kids will remember. My kids came down for breakfast and didn't say a word.
So, when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good morning,
Boss, Happy Birthday". It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me". I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go".
We went to lunch. but we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day....we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment".
After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back." "OK", I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and after a couple of minutes, she came
out carrying a huge birthday cake......followed by my wife, kids and
dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there........
on the couch.......
naked.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?” one asked, as they moved off.
Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
"But why?” one asked, as they moved off.
Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not being too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ‘ouse, we could 'ave a lorra lorra fun."
So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand".
Cilla looks a bit perplexed,but says "alright chuck".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better
sex than before.
Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to..."
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun".
Cilla complies with the routine. The results are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and
Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer dat much?"
Sean replies, "Not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet!"
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not being too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ‘ouse, we could 'ave a lorra lorra fun."
So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand".
Cilla looks a bit perplexed,but says "alright chuck".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better
sex than before.
Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to..."
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun".
Cilla complies with the routine. The results are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and
Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer dat much?"
Sean replies, "Not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet!"
A Yorkshireman goes to a goldsmiths and asks "Can tha mek us a gold statue o' ma whippet"?
The goldsmith says he can, then asks "Do you want it 18 carat"?
The man replies "Nay lad. chewin' a bone 'll do fine"
The goldsmith says he can, then asks "Do you want it 18 carat"?
The man replies "Nay lad. chewin' a bone 'll do fine"
