Jokes

[Brian S]

Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
'Twenty quid' she whispers.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck, its only twenty quid. So they hide in the bushes. They're going 'at it' for a couple of minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them, it's a police officer.
'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.
'I'm making love to my wife,' Paddy answers indignantly.
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'
'Well,' Paddy says, 'neither did I, until you shined that light in her face'.

 

[Brian S]

I was at the Supermarket today for literally 5 minutes, when I came out I saw a cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on man, can't you give a guy a break?"
He ignored me and kept writing the ticket, so I called him a pencil-neck dickhead. He glared at me, and started to write a second ticket for worn tires!
So I asked him if his Psychiatrist makes him lie face down because he's so ugly. He finished with the second ticket, and started writing a third!
This went on until there were five tickets on the windshield, the more I insulted him, the more tickets.
I didn't care, my car was parked around the corner.

 

[Brian S]

In the light of recent police announcements that they no longer consider it necessary to attend the scene of domestic burglaries I have taken down the St. George's flag from beside the house and peeled the burglar alarm sticker off the front door. We've disconnected our home alarm system and quit our Neighbourhood Watch.
I've bought two Pakistani flags on eBay and raised them in the front garden, one at each corner, plus a black flag of ISIS in the centre. Now the local police, CID, MI5, SAS and other UK Counter Terrorism agencies are all watching the house 24/7.
We've never felt safer and we're saving £24.95 a month

 

[Brian S]

A blonde woman was caught speeding by a blonde female officer.
"I need to see your driver license", said the blonde cop.
The blonde driver dug through her purse, becoming agitated that she couldn't find it, finally said, "What does it look like, officer?"
The lady cop said, "It's square and has your picture on it."
The female blonde driver at last found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the blonde lady cop. "Here it is", she said.
The blonde officer looked at it, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize that you are a cop."

 

[Brian S]

There was a blonde sitting on a plane in first class seats with an economy class ticket. The flight attendant asked to check her ticket.
'Excuse me' she said 'you only have an economy class ticket but you are sitting in first class. Could you please move to your allocated seat.'
The blonde was very stubborn and said I`m blonde and beautiful and I'm going to New York.'
So the flight attendant went to another flight attendant and told her the problem. Her answer was the same.
I`m blonde and beautiful and I`m going to New York.'
This went on through 4 other flight attendants.
Finally they went to the captain and told him the problem.
He said 'I can handle this' and went to talk to her.
He whispered something in her ear and she got up and ran to economy class.
All the flight attendants were shocked and they asked him how he did it.

He said 'I told her first class wasn't going to New York

 

[Chas]

One evening Max and Sadie are watching the TV and Sadie says “I have to go to the bathroom” Max says “OK” a little later Max hears a terrible scream fron the bathroom and rushes in to see Sadie sitting on the toilet with her support hose round her ankles she says “Oh Max it’s terrible I was sitting here when a mouse ran up my leg and he’s gone inside”
Max says “Inside? You mean . . Sadie says “Yes, right inside”
Max says “Stay right there, I’ll call the Doctor” He tells the Doc the problem and the Doc says “Leave your door open, I can be there in 15 minutes, maybe you could try holding a piece of cheese to tempt the mouse out”
15 minutes later the Doc arrives goes to the bathroom and sees Max waving a pickled herring over Sadie, the Doc says “What’s with the herring I said cheese?”
“I know” says Max “But first I must get the cat”

 

[Chas]

A woman gives birth to identical twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband says, "They're identical twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

 

[Chas]

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in many ways, I will grant you one wish.'


The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want'.
The Lord said, 'That request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help all mankind.' The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, 'Okay, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong', and how I can make a woman truly happy.'


And the Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'

 

[Brian S]

A bit of a topical joke

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.'Hallo there, Mr. Hollande!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!''Well Paddy, Hollande replied. How big is your army?'
'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'Hollande paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.''Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Hollande , the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!' 'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Hollande asks. 'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'Hollande sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.''Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.
'Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Hollande, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!' Hollande was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided,surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!' 'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Hollande! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.' 'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Hollande. 'Why the sudden change of heart?' 'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long last night chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we've decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners......'

 

[Brian S]

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass,
two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain
around his neck; walked into the
local welfare office to pick up his cheque.
He marched up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like
taking advantage of the system, getting
something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your
timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a
very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have
to drive around in his 2015 Mercedes-Benz CL, and
he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her
overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say
but you will also have, as part of your job, the
assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the
daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong
sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said,
"You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well...
You started it." .....

 

[Pat]

It happened in Aussie last year.A bloke got up for a piss in the middle of the night and looked out the window of his upstairs loo as he was shaking the drips off the old fella to see a Muslim robber sneaking into his neighbours
back garden and next thing the neighbour snuck up behind the thieving prick
hit him on the head with a shovel then dug a hole in his vegetable garden and buried him.Well he went back to bed and was tossing and turning that much he woke his missus.What's wrong darling she said."I just discovered that that Pommy bastard next door has still got my shovel".

 

[Chas]

 

[Chas]

Two pensioners are enjoying oral sex when the old man says “I can’t stay down here for too long, it stinks”

The old lady replies “Sorry about that, it’s my arthritus”

The old man says “Arthritis in your vagina?”

“No!” says the lady “The arthritis is in my shoulder, I can’t wipe my arse!”

 

[Chas]

Bobby Charlton was asked how he thought the England team of '66 would have fared against Iceland. " I think we'd have won 1-0 " he replied. "Only 1-0?" Said the reporter. "Yes," said Bobby. "Most of us are in our 70's now,

 

[Blown80]

A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Sydney and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.
"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the girl behind the desk.
The Job Centre Assistant sorts through her files and replies."Oh, yes, here it is. OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist."
"You have to help the ladies out of their clothes and underwear, lie them down and gently wash their nether regions.. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination."
"There's a starting annual salary of $85,000,.....................but you're going to have to go to Melbourne .."
"Oh, why? Is that where the job is?" he asks.
"No," replied the assistant, "That's where the end of the queue is."

 

[Brian S]

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."
He forgets to switch off the intercom, and the whole plane can hear his conversation with his co-pilot.
The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap . . . then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner . . . . then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night long!"
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the isles, trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she tries to run to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and falls on her face. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gonna take a dump first

 

[Brian S]

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'_

 

[Brian S]

In a survey, 86% of Liverpool's inner city residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.









The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.

 

[Blown80]

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the controllers. The terrified passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled:
"Mayday, Mayday!!.... MY pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph.
The controller in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, just remain calm!!".
He began his series of questions:
Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter in front of me."
Tower: "Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re traveling at 180 mph?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed indicator in front of me."
Tower: Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?"
Aircraft: “The SHIT in my pants is running down the back of my neck"!!!

 

[Chas]

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter.
St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so.
St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister,... have you ever touched a penis?"
The Sister replies "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..."
St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so.
St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"
"Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..."
"Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so.
Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line.
It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another!
St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!"
Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"