Jokes

[Chas]

Two guys in their early thirties were chatting at the bar. One of them said:

"Gosh, you really look like crap. What's wrong with you?l"

His friend replied:

"Man, I'm exhausted. My girlfriend wants sex all the time. Morning, lunchtime, afternoon, evening, middle of the night, she never gets enough... I can't start buying Viagra wholesale at my age, can I? And my Johnson is getting blisters now..."

An old geezer sitting nearby leaned over and told him:

"Marry her, son, marry her. She'll stop that nonsense real fast..."

 

[joinerman]

True oh so true, lol

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

If you're here for the yodeling class, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.

 

[Chas]

If you're here for the yodeling class, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

Wife: You treat me like a dog. I want to sit down and talk about it.
Me: Ok SIT, but not on the sofa.

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

My wife's taking me out shopping today. She says I need new clothes as I look too middle aged. I'm gutted. I love my armour.

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

My wife claims her weight problem is down to her glands. Personally I think it's because she's got an overactive knife and fork.

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

I know this has been on before but it always makes me chuckle.

 

[Pat]

 

[Pat]

 

[Chas]

 

[diggerdave]

When I was young my fairy godmother offered me the choice of a long memory or a long penis.
I can't remember what I said.

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

I was in the pub the other night having had a good few to drink when I noticed two VERY large women stood at the bar. Both had strong accents, so I said " hey are you two ladies from Scotland?" One of them turned round and snapped " no its fooking Wales you idiot"
I immediately apologised and came out with the immortal line " ok then, are you two fooking whales from Scotland?" I don't remember too much after that!

 

[diggerdave]

What did the leper say to the prostitute?
.
.
.
.
.
It's ok love, you can keep the tip

[Apologies for lowering the tone...]

 

[Chas]

What did the leper say to the prostitute?
.
.
.
.
.
It's ok love, you can keep the tip

[Apologies for lowering the tone...]

 

[diggerdave]

Two old men are sitting in deckchairs in the sun

One says to the other, 'it's nice out isn't it?'

To which the other replies, 'Yes. I think I'll get mine out as well...'




[apologies to Morecombe and Wise]

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

A woman went into a bar and saw a Canadian Mountie with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. She asked him if was true what they say about men with big feet.The Mountie grinned and said, "Sure is, little lady. Why don't you come over to the barracks and let me prove it to you?"The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.Blushing, he said, "Well, thanks, ma'am. I'm real flattered. nobody ever paid me for my services before."She told him, "Don't be flattered...take the money and buy yourself boots that fit.”

 

[Chas]

If you're here for the yodeling class, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.

Sorry Andy, I've nicked that.

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

Sorry Andy, I've nicked that.

Good lad Chas.

 

[Philip A]