1. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    Sister Sarah is a Nun and a nurse doing her rounds of patient's when she runs out of petrol.
    Luckily a petrol station is nearby, but its only petrol can is out ...on loan.
    The Nun goes back to her car to find something in her car to use instead. Always resourceful, she spots a bed pan, carries it to the station, fills it up and returns to the car.
    As she is pouring the petrol into the tank, two men see her from across the road.
    One turns to his pal and, amazed, says "if that car starts, I'm turning Catholic".
     
  2. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    Astronaut 1 " Hi mate, I can't find any milk for my coffee"

    Astronaut 2 " In space, no one can, here, use cream"
     
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  3. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    A Scouse girl goes to the dole office to register for child benefit
    "How many children?" asks the welfare officer.
    "Ten" replies the Scouse girl.
    "Ten?" says the welfare worker.
    "What are their names?"
    "Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan" she says.
    "Doesn't that get confusing?"
    "Naah..." says the Scouse girl, "It's great because if they're out playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!' or 'Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it"
    "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare worker.
    "That's easy," says the Scouse girl. "I just use their surnames."
     
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  4. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    Following recent events, An Islamic scholar was approached and asked, “Where do infanticidal genocidal IS suicide bombers go after detonating their vests?”
    “About 50 feet in every direction”, he responded.
     
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  5. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    An Australian Aboriginal picks up a hooker.

    'How much do you charge for da hour, sister?' he asks.

    '$100,' she replies.

    He says 'Do you do Aboriginal style?'

    'No' she says.

    'I pay you $200 to do it Aboriginal style'


    'No', she says, not knowing what Aboriginal style is.

    'I pay you $300'

    'No', she says.

    'I pay you $400'

    'No', she says.

    So finally he says, 'OK, I pay you $1,000 to do it Aboriginal style..'

    She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world. How bad could Aboriginal Style be?''.

    So she agrees and has sex with him.

    They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after a couple hours, they finish.

    Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Aboriginal style'?'


    The Aboriginal replies 'You send da bill to da Gub'ment'
     
  6. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    A woman went to the walk in medical centre, where she was seen by a new young doctor.
    After about 3 minutes of examination the doctor told her she was pregnant.
    She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.
    An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.
    Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room. "What's wrong with you?" he demanded. That woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!"
    The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:
    "Does she still have the hiccups?"
     
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  7. uHu

    uHu Well-Known Member Supporter I am in norway

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    My wife is having me put up a tall fence to keep the deer out, as they eat all her produce. Yesterday I asked her if she wanted to be able to lock the gate from the inside. She answered "Yes dear".
     
  8. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    I finally got my dream job as a church bell ringer!

    Today’s my first day so they’re just showing me the ropes.
     
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  9. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    I'm thinking of selling my DeLorean, low mileage, only driven from time to time.
     
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  10. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    What do you call a cheap wig?
    .
    A small price toupee.
     
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  11. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    An English cat, named, 'One Two Three' and a French cat, named, 'Un Deux Trois', had a swimming race,

    but the 'Un Deux Trois' cat sank.
     
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  12. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    I'll raise you one with this Chas:-

    "I keep dreaming about rodents drowning in treacle, crying out for some cheddar."
    "Mice in syrup holler 'CHEESE'?"


    "Hey it's not your fault."
     
  13. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    8:00 am: I made a snowman.
    8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
    8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
    8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest, saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
    8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snowmen instead.
    8:22 - The transgender man…women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
    8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
    8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white
    8:30 - I used food coloring to make one of the snow couple a different color and be more racially inclusive.
    8:37 - Accused of using a black face on the snowman…snow persons.
    8:39 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up.
    8:40 - The police arrived saying someone had been offended.
    8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
    8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
    8:45 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied"Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
    9:00 - I was on the news as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe, and sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
    9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
    9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.
    9:45 - The boss called and fired me because of the negative association with work that had been all over social media.
    10:00 - I cry into my drink because all I wanted to do was build a snowman…
    Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what this world has become because of a bunch of snowflakes!
     
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  14. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    .

    pug.jpg
     
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  15. jibberjabber

    jibberjabber Well-Known Member

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    One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

    The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"

    The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
     
  16. jibberjabber

    jibberjabber Well-Known Member

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    This old couple in their 80’s have lived in their terraced two up and two down all their married lives, one day a letter arrives telling them the council want to redevelop the area and offered them a brand new flat on the 20th floor in a tower block near by.

    On the Wednesday they move in the old boy say to his wife, “this is the first brand new home we’ve ever had I hope you're going to look after it better than the the old place”, “of corse I will” she said.

    Later that day the old boy couldn’t find his wife for love nor money, then on Friday morning she walked in the door, he shouted “where the hell have you been, I’ve been worried sick”, she said, “I’ve been cleaning the steps”

    Boom, Boom.
     
  17. Higgy

    Higgy Well-Known Member Supporter I am in denmark

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    I thought you were going for a drive:lol:
     
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  18. jibberjabber

    jibberjabber Well-Known Member

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    I have found a new outlet. The 'joke' section of the 'Lounge' has relieved my boredom.

    Don't need your counselling anymore :laughing-rolling::laughing-rolling::laughing-rolling::thumbup::thumbup::thumbup:


    It turns out I'm Norwegian, Swedish, and Danish

    Apparently there's more, but I can't Finnish.
     
  19. jibberjabber

    jibberjabber Well-Known Member

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    What happens if a Danish blonde moves to Sweden?

    The average intelligence of both countries goes up.
     
  20. jibberjabber

    jibberjabber Well-Known Member

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    2 drunk sits in a bar.

    One says: My dog keeps chasing people on a bicycle.....

    The other guy thinks for a bit then replies: Then why don't you take the bicycle from him?
     
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