Apr 16, 2010
You must have nicked that one from the Andy CG Lomas joke book Chas
Nah! I nicked it from FaceBook.
I've just been watching a program on beavers,
Was the best dam show I've seen in ages.
My home is a 5 minute walk to the pub, but the pub is a 50 minute walk to my home.
An undercover cop called at my farm in the sticks yesterday evening...
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.
“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.
The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want, have I made myself clear?!”
I nodded politely, apologised, and went about my work. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by my angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life.
I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs,
“Your badge, show him your fucking badge!”
I called the drugs helpline and a woman’s voice said...
“If you want information on cannabis, press hash”
I was in a Circus for 9 years. I didn’t have an act but they kept me on ‘cos I was the only one who could get the tent in the bag.
Both courtesy of this man, a favourite from the old ‘Comedians’ TV show......
The clocks go back soon. I'm worried because l can't remember where l got mine from!
My mate rang me and asked, "What're you doing at the moment?" I said, "Probably failing my driving test."
My wife told me to try and get in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car, bought 2 pairs of shoes I'll never wear and stopped speaking to her for no apparent reason!
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
A farmer asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows'"
I find I always win more at the bookies when I have my lucky sawn off shotgun with me ...
"So,'" said the first redneck "Ah heard y'all havin' tripplets? How'd y'all manage that?"
"Well" said the second redneck "Me and the misses was goin' at it in the back of my pick up truck and we needed some lube. So I grabbed the first thing I could find, a can of 3-in-1 oil.
"Dang!" said the first "Good thing y'all didn't use WD-40!"
Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint in Harwich, Essex.
Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them: "I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind."
"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."
"You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on."
The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "I've had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno."
There were three girls who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. There were two city girls and one farm girl...
The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile...
Well, the counselor asked the first girl what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, "The rhythm method"...
"That will work," said the counselor, "if you keep a good record"...
He asked the second girl what system she planned on using. "I plan on using birth control pills," she said..
Again he said, "Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them."
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, "The bucket and saucer method." After a short delay, he told her that should also work...
He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going...
They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant. Only the farm girl was slim and trim yet...
Well, the counselor asked the first girl what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, "I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby"...
He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied, "The birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby"...
He turns to the farm girl. "I vaguely remember you were going to use the bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the bucketl and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you"...?
She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a bucket turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him"
At any given time, the urge to sing " The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away a whim away......
Tell me you didn't sing it in your head whilst reading it
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction. The poodle thinks, "Oh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!" Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear. "Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says, "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
Licked a battery today to see if it was still charged. Now I have a shocking headache.The bonnet fell on my head.
Why did the vegan cross the road?
To tell someone he was a vegan
Separate names with a comma.