Luv it Andy, Musical Youth if I remember correctly.
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Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
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A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,
'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'
The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'
'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves....
NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, 'Who are you?
To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'
The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.
You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'
The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'
The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'
'I DIED', said the rabbit.
'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'
After a short pause, the rabbit said ...
'Mixin-me-toasties
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,
'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'
The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'
'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves....
NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, 'Who are you?
To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'
The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.
You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'
The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'
The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'
'I DIED', said the rabbit.
'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'
After a short pause, the rabbit said ...
'Mixin-me-toasties
Under communism a man goes to buy a car in Moscow.
He pays for it, and is told by the salesman that he can collect it on a particular date in 10 years' time.
The buyer thinks for a moment and then asks: 'Morning or afternoon?' ...
The salesman, astonished by the question, asks: 'What difference does it make?'
The buyer answers: 'Well, the plumber is coming in the morning.'
He pays for it, and is told by the salesman that he can collect it on a particular date in 10 years' time.
The buyer thinks for a moment and then asks: 'Morning or afternoon?' ...
The salesman, astonished by the question, asks: 'What difference does it make?'
The buyer answers: 'Well, the plumber is coming in the morning.'
A newly married couple moved into their new home.
The next day, the woman asked her husband: "Darling, one of the pipes in the bathroom is leaking, could you please fix it?"
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Do I look like Bob the builder to you?"
A few days later, the woman asked another favour from her husband: "Honey, my car isn’t starting, can you drive me to the grocery store?"
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Do I look like a taxi driver to you?"
A week later, the woman discovers a leak on the roof. "Darling, the roof is leaking, can you please find a reliable handyman to fix it for us?"
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Do I look like the yellow pages to you?"
One rainy day, the husband suddenly noticed that the leak had disappeared. He went to the bathroom and found that the pipe behind the sink wasn’t leaking either.
When the woman returned home in her car, the husband asked her, "My dear, how it is that there are no more leaks and the car is working?"
She replied, "Oh, I ran into one of our neighbours, Daniel. He’s such a nice guy, he came and fixed everything.”
"Wow," marvelled the husband, "did he charge us for all of it?"
"No," said the woman. "He said he would do it for free if I baked him a cake or slept with him."
"Oh good," the husband rejoiced. "What kind of cake did you bake him?" The woman looked at the husband and said, "Do I look like "Do I look like Betty Crocker to you?"
The next day, the woman asked her husband: "Darling, one of the pipes in the bathroom is leaking, could you please fix it?"
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Do I look like Bob the builder to you?"
A few days later, the woman asked another favour from her husband: "Honey, my car isn’t starting, can you drive me to the grocery store?"
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Do I look like a taxi driver to you?"
A week later, the woman discovers a leak on the roof. "Darling, the roof is leaking, can you please find a reliable handyman to fix it for us?"
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Do I look like the yellow pages to you?"
One rainy day, the husband suddenly noticed that the leak had disappeared. He went to the bathroom and found that the pipe behind the sink wasn’t leaking either.
When the woman returned home in her car, the husband asked her, "My dear, how it is that there are no more leaks and the car is working?"
She replied, "Oh, I ran into one of our neighbours, Daniel. He’s such a nice guy, he came and fixed everything.”
"Wow," marvelled the husband, "did he charge us for all of it?"
"No," said the woman. "He said he would do it for free if I baked him a cake or slept with him."
"Oh good," the husband rejoiced. "What kind of cake did you bake him?" The woman looked at the husband and said, "Do I look like "Do I look like Betty Crocker to you?"
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Just seen a dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap !!
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- Joined
- Nov 19, 2010
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- 5,908
- Country Flag
If you were 8 when "Red Red Wine" was No.1 then UB40 now !!
Man walked into a pet shop and said, " I'd like to buy a wasp".
Shop-keeper said, "We don't have wasps".
Man, "I'll have one of your wasps".
Shop-keeper, "I told you, we don't have wasps!".
Man, exasperated, "But you got one in your window"
Shop-keeper said, "We don't have wasps".
Man, "I'll have one of your wasps".
Shop-keeper, "I told you, we don't have wasps!".
Man, exasperated, "But you got one in your window"
Perhaps the shopkeeper thought he was after a freebee...
Boom-boom
While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the Pearly gates.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you ...spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP. 'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.' replies St Peter
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he went down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he found himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dined on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it's time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave whilst the elevator rises....
The elevator rises and the door opens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.
They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.' So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes back down to hell.
When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the MP.
'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time.
Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? '
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning..
Today you voted
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you ...spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP. 'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.' replies St Peter
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he went down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he found himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dined on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it's time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave whilst the elevator rises....
The elevator rises and the door opens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.
They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.' So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes back down to hell.
When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ' I don't understand,' stammers the MP.
'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time.
Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? '
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning..
Today you voted
The husband was not feeling very well..his wife advised him to see the doctor.
He did.
The wife now asks, what did the doctor say to you this morning.
He replies. The doctor says that I'm going to die in the morning.
Oh I'm sorry to hear that. What would you like to do this evening. Would you like to go to the cinema, theatre, pub.
No he said. Nothing like that. I'll tell you what we are going to do. We are going to have 6 cans of Stella, 2 bottles of red wine. A plateful of chicken sandwiches and we are going to bed and make love all night.
The wife replies.
That's all right for you, you haven't got to get up in the morning.
He did.
The wife now asks, what did the doctor say to you this morning.
He replies. The doctor says that I'm going to die in the morning.
Oh I'm sorry to hear that. What would you like to do this evening. Would you like to go to the cinema, theatre, pub.
No he said. Nothing like that. I'll tell you what we are going to do. We are going to have 6 cans of Stella, 2 bottles of red wine. A plateful of chicken sandwiches and we are going to bed and make love all night.
The wife replies.
That's all right for you, you haven't got to get up in the morning.
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I survived the attack on the twin towers. Fortunately I was in Stourbridge.
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I noticed a load of random items on my bank statement (size 80 shoes, a bicycle horn, a huge plastic flower). I contacted my bank and apparently my card has been clowned.
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I just saw a bloke wipe brown sauce off his girlfriend's moustache in Greggs. ............and some people say romance is dead!
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I walked into a car showroom and said to the salesman, "My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the window."
He said, "We don't have a Volkswagen Golf in the window."
I said, "You do now."
He said, "We don't have a Volkswagen Golf in the window."
I said, "You do now."
I'm gonna nick that.
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Nick away my friend, enjoy.
David was a proud Welsh guy. Known to all his friends as Dai nothing. His pay slip ended in 00..
He lived with his mam until that wonderful day when on a Saturday Dai nothing got married.
By midnight Dai nothing was back home to mam.
His mother said David, what are you doing home, you've only just got married..
Dai nothing replied, Mam she told me that she was a virgin.. then his mother said,
That's right my boy if she's not good enough for the rest of the boys in the village, then she's certainly not good enough for you.
He lived with his mam until that wonderful day when on a Saturday Dai nothing got married.
By midnight Dai nothing was back home to mam.
His mother said David, what are you doing home, you've only just got married..
Dai nothing replied, Mam she told me that she was a virgin.. then his mother said,
That's right my boy if she's not good enough for the rest of the boys in the village, then she's certainly not good enough for you.
