Jokes

Chas

Well-Known Member
Supporter
I am in england
Mar 15, 2010
16,871
4,496
113
Merton Park London
Garage
I went to get my hair cut today but there were so many in front of me.
After an hour the manager started to hand out hot dogs and burgers as an apology for the long wait.
It was the Best Barber Queue ever
 

AndycruiserguyLomas

Well-Known Member
Supporter
I am in england
Nov 19, 2010
4,468
1,657
113
Sheffield S.Yorks
Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said...

"Monica, you're free to go!"
 

Chas

Well-Known Member
Supporter
I am in england
Mar 15, 2010
16,871
4,496
113
Merton Park London
Garage
Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said...

"Monica, you're free to go!"
:laughing-rolling::laughing-rolling::laughing-rolling:
 

AndycruiserguyLomas

Well-Known Member
Supporter
I am in england
Nov 19, 2010
4,468
1,657
113
Sheffield S.Yorks
A large group of French soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One United States Soldier is better than ten Frenchmen!"

The French commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice then calls out "One United States Soldier is better than one hundred Frenchmen!"

Furious, the French commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge firefight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The American voice calls out again "One United States Soldier is better than one thousand Frenchmen!"

The enraged French Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets, and machine guns ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded French fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There are two of them!"
 
Don't like the adverts? Remove them by becoming a supporting member.   Click here

Chas

Well-Known Member
Supporter
I am in england
Mar 15, 2010
16,871
4,496
113
Merton Park London
Garage
A large group of French soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One United States Soldier is better than ten Frenchmen!"

The French commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice then calls out "One United States Soldier is better than one hundred Frenchmen!"

Furious, the French commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge firefight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The American voice calls out again "One United States Soldier is better than one thousand Frenchmen!"

The enraged French Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets, and machine guns ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded French fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There are two of them!"
Back in the day when there had been student riots in Paris it was said Frenchmen were shocked to hear that men had been fighting in the streets of France, strange that, they managed to get through two world wars without that happening!
 

AndycruiserguyLomas

Well-Known Member
Supporter
I am in england
Nov 19, 2010
4,468
1,657
113
Sheffield S.Yorks
An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there,
accidentally sends him to Hell.
It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes
rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell.
He soon begins to design and build improvements.
Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators.
Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are things in Hell?"

Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning,
flush toilets and escalators. And there's no telling what this engineer
is going to come up with next."

"What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer?
That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell.
Send him to me."

"Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer
on the staff and I'm keeping him!"

God insists: "Send him back or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers:

"Yeah right. And where are you going to get a lawyer up there?
 

Towpack

Well-Known Member
Supporter
I am in england
Oct 4, 2011
3,572
1,176
113
UK
Garage
A few from the Edinburgh Fringe........


  • Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy" - Richard Stott
  • "What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh" - Milton Jones
  • "A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows'" - Jake Lambert
  • "A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it" - Ross Smith
  • "Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning" - Ross Smith
  • "I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it" - Adele Cliff
  • "After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging - Richard Pulsford
  • "To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian" - Mark Simmons
  • "I've got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts" - Ivo Graham
 

Chas

Well-Known Member
Supporter
I am in england
Mar 15, 2010
16,871
4,496
113
Merton Park London
Garage
Mary had a little dress with splits right up the sides,
and everywhere that Mary went the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another dress with splits right up the front...
but she didn't wear that one very often
 

Towpack

Well-Known Member
Supporter
I am in england
Oct 4, 2011
3,572
1,176
113
UK
Garage
Jesus walks into the pub and all the apostles are there drinking and eating a Chinese takeaway.

“Where did you get that?”

“Judas bought it, he’s come into some money”.




..............Billy Connolly
 
  • Like
Reactions: clivehorridge

Chas

Well-Known Member
Supporter
I am in england
Mar 15, 2010
16,871
4,496
113
Merton Park London
Garage
NOTICE OF MY INTENTION TO LEAVE THE GROUP.

It may or may not be disappointing to some people to know that I have decided to leave this group, but I am sick and tired of the constant criticisms and purile remarks about things that have nothing to do with anyone else but me.

Okay... So I like dressing-up in ladies clothes. So what? And, my culinary tastes might seem strange to some people... but I have particular penchant for cucumbers. Which brings me to the matter of my sexual preferences, which I know might seem strange to some people, but group sex with dwarfs, midgets, and pygmies is only a ‘small’ perversion compared to the other matter... And the magistrate was particularly understanding when I explained that running naked through our local park wearing my wife’s underwear on my head and brandishing a dildo in each hand is an ancient pagan custom and...

Oh shit! Wrong group!

Please ignore all of the above...
 
  • Like
Reactions: clivehorridge

clivehorridge

Well-Known Member
Supporter
Guru
I am in romania
May 23, 2012
14,787
4,733
113
Comarnic, Romania
Garage
NOTICE OF MY INTENTION TO LEAVE THE GROUP.

It may or may not be disappointing to some people to know that I have decided to leave this group, but I am sick and tired of the constant criticisms and purile remarks about things that have nothing to do with anyone else but me.

Okay... So I like dressing-up in ladies clothes. So what? And, my culinary tastes might seem strange to some people... but I have particular penchant for cucumbers. Which brings me to the matter of my sexual preferences, which I know might seem strange to some people, but group sex with dwarfs, midgets, and pygmies is only a ‘small’ perversion compared to the other matter... And the magistrate was particularly understanding when I explained that running naked through our local park wearing my wife’s underwear on my head and brandishing a dildo in each hand is an ancient pagan custom and...

Oh shit! Wrong group!

Please ignore all of the above...
Thought you’d decided to ‘come out’ there Chas, till I got to the retraction at the end...

No worries, your secrets are safe with me mate... :lol::lol::lol:
 

Chas

Well-Known Member
Supporter
I am in england
Mar 15, 2010
16,871
4,496
113
Merton Park London
Garage
I Don’t normally make a habit of speaking to women I see in bars but on this one occasion I was chatting to this very attractive woman in the Pub one evening, she told me her name was Tina and that she was a sergeant in the police force.
A few drinks later Tina invited me back to her place to listen to her large collection of CDs, after spending several hours listening to some great music I fell asleep.
The next morning when I awoke she was busy in the kitchen doing me eggs, bacon, sausages and beans, I don’t eat a fried breakfast, so I called out to her,
.
“Don’t fry for me Sergeant Tina”.
 
AdBlock Detected

We get it, advertisements are annoying!

Sure, ad-blocking software does a great job at blocking ads, but it also blocks useful features of our website. For the best site experience please disable your AdBlocker.

I've Disabled AdBlock    No Thanks