1. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    Once had a book on glue - couldn't put it down.

    I once had a book about sellotape, but I couldn't find the beginning
     
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  2. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    Becky and Edna, two 'senior' Jewish widows, are talking.

    Becky:

    'That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.'

    ...
    Edna:

    'Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M. , dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!
    Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there? but a luxury car, a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner, a marvelous dinner... Lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Becky, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!

    So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!'

    Becky:

    'Goodness gracious!... So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?'

    Edna:

    'No, no, ... I'm just saying, wear an old dress.'.
     
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  3. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.
    They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling.
    We come in peace.
    Take us to your leader."
    The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
    The young alien became angry at the lack of response.
    The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."
    The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.
    Again, there was no response.
    Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling.
    We come in peace.
    Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
    The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don't want to do that!
    I really think that will make him mad."
    "Rubbish" replied the young alien.
    He aimed his weapon and opened fire.
    There was a huge explosion.
    A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien, off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away into a cactus patch.
    Half an hour passed.
    When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
    "What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien.
    "He damn near killed me!
    How did you know he was so dangerous?"
    The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder and stick it in his ear."
     
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  4. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    Other drivers seem to get annoyed when I obey the road sign that says "use both lanes" ...
     
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  5. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    Mary asked me how do you make a Buck’s Fizz I said first you gotta speed it up then you gotta slow it down , she didn’t see the funny side
     
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  6. Towpack

    Towpack Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    I ordered a penis enlarger from EBay and they sent me a magnifying glass!
    The only instructions were “ don’t use in direct Sunlight”.
     
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  7. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    I was so drunk the other night I got hit by a parked car.
     
  8. Jake the Peg

    Jake the Peg Well-Known Member I am in scotland

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    An elderly Cornish farmer received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees enough and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
    "Tell me about your staff," said the inspector.
    "Well," said the farmer, "there's the farm hand. I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
    Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
    There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week, along with a bottle of gin every week, and, occasionally, gets to sleep with my wife."
    "That's who I want to talk to," said the inspector, "the half-wit."
    "That'll be me then," said the farmer.
     
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  9. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    A world-renowned wasp expert was walking through town and saw a sign on a record shop window:
    .
    OUT NOW ON VINYL, ‘WASPS OF THE WORLD’.

    He went into the shop and said, “I am a world-renowned wasp expert, can I listen to a track from ‘Wasps of the World’ please?”

    So the shop keeper played a track. Bzzzz zz.
    “Hm”, said the wasp expert, “That’s not a wasp that I recognise and I am a world-renowned wasp expert. Can I hear another track?”

    ...
    So the shop keeper played another track. BzzzZZZzzz.
    “No, I don’t know that one either and I am a world-renowned wasp expert. How very perplexing."

    “Oh”, said the shop keeper, “I’m sorry sir, my mistake, I was playing the bee side.”
     
  10. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    Jeremy Corbyn walks into a Bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ms could you please cash this cheque for me?"

    Cashier:"It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?"

    Corbyn :"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Jeremy corbyn, leader of the Labour Party.

    Cashier:"Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

    Corbyn: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

    Cashier: "I am sorry, mr corbyn, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

    Corbyn,"Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque."

    Cashier: "Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."

    "Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"

    Corbyn stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."

    Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Mr Corbyn. ?....
     
  11. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    I told my wife I was going to buy a Greyhound she replied " are you going to race it " I said " don't be daft it'll beat me every time.
     
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  12. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    "Now, how's he gonna read that magazine all rolled up like that?"... thought the spider.
    And then it hit him !!
     
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  13. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    Nicked that Andy.
     
  14. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    A Birkenhead man who claimed his Weasel swam to Liverpool made the newspaper headlines.

    “FERRET CROSSED THE MERSEY. “
     
  15. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    I love the smell of chlorofo . . . . . .
     
  16. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    I took my granddaughter to the petting zoo once. There was a lovely African grey parrot, which she started tickling on the tummy. An attendant came up and barked really nastily that she should “only stroke it on the back”. Why shout at the poor kid ?
    It really is polly-tickle correctness gone mad!
     
  17. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    Well I've had this vacuum cleaner for years now but I've decided to sell my hoover, it was just collecting dust.
     
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  18. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    The world renowned designer of door knockers, has been awarded a No-bell prize.
     
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  19. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member Supporter I am in england

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    Please excuse all these jokes, I think I have a touch of AndyLomasitus. Tee hee!
     
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  20. clivehorridge

    clivehorridge Well-Known Member Supporter Guru I am in romania

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    I still think you nicked Andy’s joke book, Chas :lol:
     
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