Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
- Start date
Next winter I’m going to put up a marquee in my garden with flashing lights and funky music.
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That will be the winter of my disco tent
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That will be the winter of my disco tent
02080490090 have just cold called me. They wanted to talk to me about my recent car accident, was I hurt they asked ?
Yes I said. I got a lot of sympathy and then I was passed to another handler. They took down all my details etc, (all false) and then asked about the accident.
I told them how my car was crushed between 2 Tesco lorries, how the fire fighters cut me out and the paramedics kept me alive while all this was going on. The 'blue light' special to York hospital as I was too injured to fly.
They asked how serious my injuries were, all the while they were hearing the cash registers ringing. I then gravely told them how I lost my legs. Kerching! Tescos were going to get screwed.
I was then asked if there were any complications. I explained I died a few days later and my funeral is next Thursday.
Apparently, I'm a time wasting asshole.
Yes I said. I got a lot of sympathy and then I was passed to another handler. They took down all my details etc, (all false) and then asked about the accident.
I told them how my car was crushed between 2 Tesco lorries, how the fire fighters cut me out and the paramedics kept me alive while all this was going on. The 'blue light' special to York hospital as I was too injured to fly.
They asked how serious my injuries were, all the while they were hearing the cash registers ringing. I then gravely told them how I lost my legs. Kerching! Tescos were going to get screwed.
I was then asked if there were any complications. I explained I died a few days later and my funeral is next Thursday.
Apparently, I'm a time wasting asshole.
I tried that Andy, yes I did have an accident but unfortunately I died on the way to hospital, they just hung up.
A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
‘Come with me,’ said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St Peter to a mansion. It had everything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.
‘Oh my word, thank you,’ said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rough old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
‘Wait, I think you are a little mixed up,’ said the priest. ‘Shouldn’t I be the one who gets the mansion? After all, I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God’s word.’
‘Yes, that’s true.’ St Peter rejoined, ‘But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.’
‘Come with me,’ said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St Peter to a mansion. It had everything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.
‘Oh my word, thank you,’ said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rough old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
‘Wait, I think you are a little mixed up,’ said the priest. ‘Shouldn’t I be the one who gets the mansion? After all, I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God’s word.’
‘Yes, that’s true.’ St Peter rejoined, ‘But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.’
Wit apologies to Dave Allen
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I remember as a kid at a funeral the Priest saying at the graveside “In the name of the father, the son and the holy ghost”
I always thought he said “In the name of the father, the son and into the hole he goes”
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I remember as a kid at a funeral the Priest saying at the graveside “In the name of the father, the son and the holy ghost”
I always thought he said “In the name of the father, the son and into the hole he goes”