Ecky Thump
Well-Known Member
Brilliant 
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Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
- Start date
- Joined
- Feb 24, 2010
- Messages
- 6,052
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A woman who was always fighting with her husband decides to visit a Marriage Counselor.
Marriage Counselor: "What seems to be the Problem?"
Woman: "I don't know what to do. When my husband comes home from having drinks with the guys, he picks a fight with me."
Marriage Counselor: "I have a real good solution for that. Whenever your husband comes home inebriated, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."
Two weeks later she returns to the Marriage Counselor, and is fresh and relaxed.
Woman: "That was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came in from an evening with his buddies, I gargled with chamomile tea and nothing happened."
Marriage Counselor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!"
Marriage Counselor: "What seems to be the Problem?"
Woman: "I don't know what to do. When my husband comes home from having drinks with the guys, he picks a fight with me."
Marriage Counselor: "I have a real good solution for that. Whenever your husband comes home inebriated, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."
Two weeks later she returns to the Marriage Counselor, and is fresh and relaxed.
Woman: "That was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came in from an evening with his buddies, I gargled with chamomile tea and nothing happened."
Marriage Counselor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!"
Dave Docwra
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Apr 24, 2010
- Messages
- 1,591
A husband and wife are shopping in their local tesco's.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
A Welshman walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says...
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
His wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "Taffy, if you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep not a cow."
Taffy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
His wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "Taffy, if you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep not a cow."
Taffy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
- Joined
- Feb 24, 2010
- Messages
- 6,052
- Country Flag
The Old Flame
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".
"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.
"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."
She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".
"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"
So I told her to f**k off.
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".
"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.
"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."
She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".
"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"
So I told her to f**k off.
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MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
NICKNAMES:
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike , Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dava and Scone-head.
EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Mike , Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY:
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS:
A man has 6-7 items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream & razor, soap, a towel and maybe shampoo.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 237. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
NICKNAMES:
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike , Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dava and Scone-head.
EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Mike , Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY:
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS:
A man has 6-7 items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream & razor, soap, a towel and maybe shampoo.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 237. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
- Joined
- Feb 24, 2010
- Messages
- 6,052
- Country Flag
The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier." Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.
She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together -- It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
"Yes, answered the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk??
---- This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught..
She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier." Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.
She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together -- It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
"Yes, answered the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk??
---- This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught..
Gav Peter
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Mar 1, 2010
- Messages
- 4,844
- Country Flag
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly with two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He has not, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
"Ah... So solly," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck!"
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly with two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He has not, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
"Ah... So solly," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck!"
Ecky Thump
Well-Known Member
um
A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
The Cow: I give 12 gallon of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!
The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!
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.
.
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Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...
A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.
The Cow: I give 12 gallon of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!
The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!
.
.
.
.
.
Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...
Ecky Thump
Well-Known Member
The British Broadcasting Corporation
MEDIA RELEASE
In response to a number of complaints that there are not enough African, Caribbean, Asian and East Europeans appearing on TV, the BBC has decided that in future, 'Crimewatch' will be shown TWICE weekly.
MEDIA RELEASE
In response to a number of complaints that there are not enough African, Caribbean, Asian and East Europeans appearing on TV, the BBC has decided that in future, 'Crimewatch' will be shown TWICE weekly.
Ecky Thump
Well-Known Member
The difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is:-
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a morning available when he would take his 7-year old granddaughter for a drive in the car for some bonding time, just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and just wanted to stay in bed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out in the car.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see how her Grandfather was.
'Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?'
'Great, Grandpa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dick-head or wanker anywhere today!'
Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a morning available when he would take his 7-year old granddaughter for a drive in the car for some bonding time, just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and just wanted to stay in bed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out in the car.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see how her Grandfather was.
'Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?'
'Great, Grandpa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dick-head or wanker anywhere today!'
Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
Dave Docwra
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Apr 24, 2010
- Messages
- 1,591
Very Good 
Ecky Thump
Well-Known Member
The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife.
"Is this your wife sir?" said the officer.
"Yes it is" I replied.
"I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident" said the Officer...
"I know" I said, "but she has a lovely personality!"
. . . . . . . . . . . . ..
A girl asks her doctor how many calories are there in sperm. Doctor replies
"Believe me dear, if you swallow, no one will care how fat you are!"
. . . . . . . . . . . . .
Woke up this morning a bit late, about 8:15 ish. Called down to the wife and got no answer. Got up and went downstairs to the kitchen and there she was, face down on the floor. Dead!
At that moment I completely lost it, my whole world fell apart, tears were welling in my eyes.............Then a moment of pure inspiration............McDonalds do Breakfast until 10:30 !
. . . . . . . . . . . . .
Two women were talking. "Do you look at your husband's face when you have sex?"
"I did once & he looked really angry."
"Why angry?"
³Because he was watching through the window.!
. . . . . . . . . . . . ..
Met a girl in the park last night and there was an instant spark between us.
She fell at my feet and as I gave her a good seeing to I thought to myself,
'f**k me, these taser guns are well worth the money!'
. . . . . . . . . . . . .
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One is a male superhero, the other is an instruction!
. . . . . . . . . . . . .
Took a girl home from the pub last night but I ended up falling asleep on
the sofa...
Must have drunk her bloody drink by mistake!
"Is this your wife sir?" said the officer.
"Yes it is" I replied.
"I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident" said the Officer...
"I know" I said, "but she has a lovely personality!"
. . . . . . . . . . . . ..
A girl asks her doctor how many calories are there in sperm. Doctor replies
"Believe me dear, if you swallow, no one will care how fat you are!"
. . . . . . . . . . . . .
Woke up this morning a bit late, about 8:15 ish. Called down to the wife and got no answer. Got up and went downstairs to the kitchen and there she was, face down on the floor. Dead!
At that moment I completely lost it, my whole world fell apart, tears were welling in my eyes.............Then a moment of pure inspiration............McDonalds do Breakfast until 10:30 !
. . . . . . . . . . . . .
Two women were talking. "Do you look at your husband's face when you have sex?"
"I did once & he looked really angry."
"Why angry?"
³Because he was watching through the window.!
. . . . . . . . . . . . ..
Met a girl in the park last night and there was an instant spark between us.
She fell at my feet and as I gave her a good seeing to I thought to myself,
'f**k me, these taser guns are well worth the money!'
. . . . . . . . . . . . .
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One is a male superhero, the other is an instruction!
. . . . . . . . . . . . .
Took a girl home from the pub last night but I ended up falling asleep on
the sofa...
Must have drunk her bloody drink by mistake!
