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Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
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hopeless wanderer
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Paddy is having sex with his girlfriend & after half an hour she isn't enjoying it and she isn't orgasming. She says it's because she's getting too hot. So paddy takes her to the doctors and the doctor says he can't do anything for her. So Paddy ring up his mate Mick and asks him to come round and do him a favour. Mick comes, Paddy says "Mick, whilst I'm shagging my girlfriend, I want you to waft her with a tea towel." Mick agrees. So Paddy is shagging away and Mick is wafting, still after half an hour, nothing is happening. Mick comes up with an idea. "How about we swap? I'll shag her and you waft her." Paddy agrees. So they start again, Paddy wafting her & Mick shagging her. After 2 minutes She has the most amazing orgasm ever, and at that moment Paddy shouts, "Now that my friend, is how you waft a tea towel!"
Brian S
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Three men were walking along in the forest when they were captured by a group of cannibals. The king of the cannibals gives the three men a challenge "If you complete this challenge, you will go free, if not we will eat you." The three men, not wanting to die, agree to hear the challenge. "You most go in to the forest and pick out 10 of any fruit you find, bring those fruits back here" the king says. The three men head out in search of their fruit. The first man comes back with 10 apples in his hands, happy as can be. The king then says "You must shove those 10 apples up your butt without making a sound." The man reluctantly agrees to try. He gets the first one up without a sound, but screams in agony on the second and is killed and eaten. The second man comes back with 10 grapes in his hand. Again the king states the challenge. The 10 fruit up the ass, without any sound. This is going to be easy he thinks. He gets through the first 9 without a single sound. Just as he is about to shove the 10th grape up he bursts out in laughter. He is killed immediately. The second guy still laughing meets the first guy up in heaven. The first guy says, "What's so funny? You could have still been alive!" He replies "I saw our buddy coming back with 10 pineapples and a huge smile."
Brian S
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Shiny motorcycle.
Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck finding one he liked, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, I rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline to go with the bike.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they go there on the new bike.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'
'We are a bit eccentric. More than a bit. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anythingduring dinner has to do the dishes. It’s been going on for ages.....'
'No problem,' he says, and in they go.
Joe is shocked! Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes! Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes!
They sit down to dinner and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra passionately.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over, unbuttons her blouse, and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her right there, in front of her parents!
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and
her mum is horrified; so he sits back down.....and no one says a word.
He looks at her mum.....
'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs her mum, pulls her skirt up, bends her over the dinner table and has his way with her, right there!
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is absolutely boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers the chrome on his Harley, so he stands up and pulls his jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouts out ... 'Alright!!! Alright!!! I'll do the bloody dishes!!!’
Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck finding one he liked, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, I rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline to go with the bike.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they go there on the new bike.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'
'We are a bit eccentric. More than a bit. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anythingduring dinner has to do the dishes. It’s been going on for ages.....'
'No problem,' he says, and in they go.
Joe is shocked! Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes! Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes!
They sit down to dinner and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra passionately.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over, unbuttons her blouse, and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her right there, in front of her parents!
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and
her mum is horrified; so he sits back down.....and no one says a word.
He looks at her mum.....
'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs her mum, pulls her skirt up, bends her over the dinner table and has his way with her, right there!
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is absolutely boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers the chrome on his Harley, so he stands up and pulls his jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouts out ... 'Alright!!! Alright!!! I'll do the bloody dishes!!!’
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Brian S
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Cheers Chas
A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. There were several carloads of family members following a black pick up towing a small boat with a coffin in it.
A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been an avid fishermen"
"He still is" said one of the mourners "As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife"
A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been an avid fishermen"
"He still is" said one of the mourners "As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife"
Friend of mine had to undergo a colonoscopy. He was booked for a preliminary exam the day before the operation, and showed up at the hospital early morning, fasted, as requested.
A comely young nurse took him to the examination room, told him to undress his bottom parts and lie down on the examination table.
Shortly after, the doctor arrived. He did not talk much, but gave him the most thorough examination he ever had. The nurse returned as the doctor was leaving the room, and as soon as he was out she told my friend:
"The doctor just arrived, he'll see you now." After a short pause, she added "... Who was this guy?"
A comely young nurse took him to the examination room, told him to undress his bottom parts and lie down on the examination table.
Shortly after, the doctor arrived. He did not talk much, but gave him the most thorough examination he ever had. The nurse returned as the doctor was leaving the room, and as soon as he was out she told my friend:
"The doctor just arrived, he'll see you now." After a short pause, she added "... Who was this guy?"
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Some funny Olympics and other quotes here:
http://www.spitfirechallenge.ca/olympic comments to take back.htm
http://www.spitfirechallenge.ca/olympic comments to take back.htm
Brian S
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When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him.
During her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?
"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, "Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
Here she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed,
"What did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."
During her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?
"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, "Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
Here she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed,
"What did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."
Brian S
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- Aug 15, 2015
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- Country Flag
A jungle chief travelled to England from his native African lands and visited the Queen. So impressed was she by his intelligent and courteous manner that on his return to his village, she sent him a throne, befitting as she thought, his regal position in his tribe.
Unfortunately, the Queen was unaware that the chief like all his subjects lived in a grass hut, and when the half-ton throne arrived, and was carried in by ten of his strongest warriors, it took up most of the chiefly hut's floor.
The chief put up with it for a while, enjoying sitting on his regal throne while giving orders and advice to his tribal members, but eventually he grew tired of it and decided to move it somewhere else.
He wasn't able to leave it outside his hut, because the dry season was coming to an end and the torrential rains would soon be upon the region, and would ruin the throne. And he couldn't allow any other hut in the village to store it, as the throne belonged only to him, and his regal grass hut.
Finally coming to a solution, the chief summoned the ten strong men who had first carried the throne in, and ordered them to lift it to the ceiling of his hut, and rope it firmly in place. Although they were only grass huts, they were sturdy, and the chief's hut was the sturdiest of all. The roof handily took the weight of the throne without hardly a creak.
But tragedy was on the horizon as the rains started to dampen everything and soften the grass hut's roof, allowing it to bend under the weight of the regal throne.
On the third day of the rains, as the chief sat on the floor of his hut deep in thought, his hut's roof suddenly gave way and the throne fell right on top of him, fatally interupting his ruminations.
One of the group of tribesmen, gathered around staring sadly at the chief's dead body underneath the half-ton regal chair, remarked "well, it only goes to show that those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones...."
Unfortunately, the Queen was unaware that the chief like all his subjects lived in a grass hut, and when the half-ton throne arrived, and was carried in by ten of his strongest warriors, it took up most of the chiefly hut's floor.
The chief put up with it for a while, enjoying sitting on his regal throne while giving orders and advice to his tribal members, but eventually he grew tired of it and decided to move it somewhere else.
He wasn't able to leave it outside his hut, because the dry season was coming to an end and the torrential rains would soon be upon the region, and would ruin the throne. And he couldn't allow any other hut in the village to store it, as the throne belonged only to him, and his regal grass hut.
Finally coming to a solution, the chief summoned the ten strong men who had first carried the throne in, and ordered them to lift it to the ceiling of his hut, and rope it firmly in place. Although they were only grass huts, they were sturdy, and the chief's hut was the sturdiest of all. The roof handily took the weight of the throne without hardly a creak.
But tragedy was on the horizon as the rains started to dampen everything and soften the grass hut's roof, allowing it to bend under the weight of the regal throne.
On the third day of the rains, as the chief sat on the floor of his hut deep in thought, his hut's roof suddenly gave way and the throne fell right on top of him, fatally interupting his ruminations.
One of the group of tribesmen, gathered around staring sadly at the chief's dead body underneath the half-ton regal chair, remarked "well, it only goes to show that those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones...."
My dad used to have a hybrid car , it was a cross between an Allegro and a Rover , it was a Legover
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I had a mate who built himself a classic car. He called it a Ford Pubic. it was made from old Corsairs.
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Paddy phones up and asks why a car for sale is so cheap.
Seller says" It's got no doors".
Paddy replies."For focks sake how do you get in it".
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Paddy pulls up at a red light beside a gorgeous young woman, smiles at her and lowers his window.
The woman smiles back and also lowers her window.
"Ah," says Paddy, "so you farted too?"
......... I'll get my coat .
______________________________________________________________
I had a mate who built himself a classic car. He called it a Ford Pubic. it was made from old Corsairs.
____________________________________________________________________
Paddy phones up and asks why a car for sale is so cheap.
Seller says" It's got no doors".
Paddy replies."For focks sake how do you get in it".
_____________________________________________________________________
Paddy pulls up at a red light beside a gorgeous young woman, smiles at her and lowers his window.
The woman smiles back and also lowers her window.
"Ah," says Paddy, "so you farted too?"
......... I'll get my coat .
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A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, then looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him.
He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family.... If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."
The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!
The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir ".....
He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family.... If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."
The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!
The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir ".....
Chas is back,
this thread has missed you mate...
this thread has missed you mate...
