Jokes

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the motorway for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

“There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100…..Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

“It’s been a long hard day," he said, "this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th.
I don’t feel like more paperwork, I don’t need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, “Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were him, trying to give her back!”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer. ...

 

[Chas]

Andy, are you taking funny pills? your jokes are getting much better.

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

Andy, are you taking funny pills? your jokes are getting much better.

Apparently people don't like you pulling your undies out of your arse in public.

Also, I need to find other tricks for my kid's magic show.



Chicken: How's about we go back to my place and play strip poker.....

Goose: No way !

Pheasant: I'm game.



Queue jumping, it's the way forward.

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

Andy, are you taking funny pills? your jokes are getting much better.

We can't have that Chas, here's a few of my usual standard so as not to disappoint .


Apparently people don't like you pulling your undies out of your arse in public.

Also, I need to find other tricks for my kid's magic show.



Chicken: How's about we go back to my place and play strip poker.....

Goose: No way !

Pheasant: I'm game.



Queue jumping, it's the way forward.



The new razor designed for dyslexics is being hailed as the best thing since sliced beard.

 

[flint]

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my father, not screaming and in terror like his passengers.

 

[Towpack]

I used to have a 2nd, part time job in a bakery, I needed the dough.

 

[Chas]

I used to have a 2nd, part time job in a bakery, I needed the dough.

I took a part time job with Tesco's but got laid off on my first day, I was working in the wine dept when a gentleman from foreign parts asked if I could recommend a good port, apparently Dover was not the correct response.

 

[clunt]

I call my Jeep the Pussy Wagon, cause thats where I go to cry...

 

[Philip A]

After 10 years, the wife starts to think that their kid looks kind of strange, so she decides to do a DNA test.
The results come back, and... Lo and behold, the kid is actually from completely different parents.

She goes to her husband and says: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."

"What is it?"

"I got a DNA test done for Luke. According to the results, this is not our kid."

The husband shrugs and says: "Of course not... You don’t remember, do you?"

The lady is taken aback, and yells "Remember WHAT???"

"When we were leaving the hospital, you saw that our baby had pooped, and you told me to please go and change him before the long drive home... So I went inside, dropped the dirty one and got a clean one. Thought you'd have a better memory than that, Mary."


Moral: Ladies, we ain't asking you to do our oil changes, so leave us alone when it's beer time.

 

[Chas]

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.

I got him a Guinness.* He didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?** He didn't.** I drank it.

I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's - nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest.** He wouldn't even smell it.

What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so fookin' shit-faced I could hardly push his pram back home!

 

[Brian S]

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church in Ireland . One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.
The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open
door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. 'Mrs
Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member
of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?' 'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.
After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.'
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you
don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.' The landlord nodded and said, 'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'

 

[Brian S]

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth... back and forth... in and out....
She could feel the sweat on her forehead, on her chest and trickling down the small of her back.
She was getting near to the end.
Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed...
Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder...
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted, "Okay, Okay! I cant park the fudgein' car!!! You do it, ya *******!"

 

[Brian S]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found
Traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
Their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American
Archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their
Ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians".

One week later, the British authorities reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in North Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely **** all.
Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."

Just makes you bloody proud to be British, don't it!

 

[Brian S]

A rather ‘frustrated’ woman went to the supermarket to try to take her mind off her overly erotic thoughts.
As she moved through the aisles she saw bananas and apples and so many things that made her recall rather than forget her erotic mood.
She ended up buying far more than she needed.
When she arrived at the checkout there was a young man packing bags. As he packed her bags his muscles gleamed under the fluorescent lights and she could make out the contours of his fit body under his tight T-shirt and trousers.
She could hardly control herself.
After she paid she asked the young man if he could help her to her car with her many heavy bags of groceries.
The young man willingly obliged.
As they walked through the car park the lady finally lost control. She placed her hand on the young man’s bum and said “I have an itchy pussy.”
To which the young man replied “You’ll have to show me where it is ’cause all these Japanese cars look the same to me.”

 

[flint]

Here’a an oldie:

On it’s way from Japan an air freighter carrying motor parts developed engine trouble. The only way to avoid disaster was to jettison some of the cargo. The headlines next day reported that it was raining Datsun cogs.

 

[Chas]

Here’a an oldie:

On it’s way from Japan an air freighter carrying motor parts developed engine trouble. The only way to avoid disaster was to jettison some of the cargo. The headlines next day reported that it was raining Datsun cogs.

That's going straight to Facebook.

 

[Chas]

A few religious gems, but I'll leave it to Dave Allen, he tells them much better than me.

 

[Chas]

Here’a an oldie:

On it’s way from Japan an air freighter carrying motor parts developed engine trouble. The only way to avoid disaster was to jettison some of the cargo. The headlines next day reported that it was raining Datsun cogs.

A similar one, but ancient I think.

Nelson Mandela answered a knock at the door and a delivery driver said,
“I’ve got 20 engines for you, sign here.”
Next day he was back,
“I’ve got 20 gearboxes for you, sign here.”
On the third day he arrived and said.
“I’ve got 60 wheels for you,” at which point Nelson Mandela said, “let me have a look at your paperwork, because all this stuff can’t be for me.”
Upon reading the delivery note, he said,
"Hey boet, it’s not for Nelson Mandela, it’s for Nissan Main Dealer!”

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

Someone just told me the dog from Britain's Got Talent has died.

Turns out it was Pudsey and not Amanda Holden.