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  1. clivehorridge

    clivehorridge Well-Known Member Supporter Guru I am in romania

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    Y'know Pat, I always thought that there'd be a perfectly plausible explanation of that incident... :clap:
     
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  2. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    "Miss Jones, I dreamt about you last night"

    "Did you, Mr Rigsby?"

    "No, you wouldn't Miss Jones"
     
  3. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    This is for you Chas.

    You know, the only 2 places you can practice archery in London is in Bow & Harrow.
     
  4. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    Some tennis players practice witchcraft. Take Goran, even he's a witch.

    Please does anyone remember the name of the Boston bar in the classic '80's sitcom? Cheers.

    I went to a horrible pub last night called The Fiddle. It really was a vile inn!
     
  5. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    "Bible returned to family after 151 years."

    Mr and Mrs Methuselah said they were overjoyed; they thought they'd never see it again.



    The Doctor who performed the worlds largest organ transplant has just been awarded the Wurlitzer Prize.
     
  6. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    Not really a joke but fecking hilarious, is it true, you'll have to decide for yourself.


    The Latest (true) News From Hull...UK
    (Or so I'm told!)

    Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Hull Pair in Hospital

    A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session, left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment.

    Vintage film fan and part time plus size model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the Black Ink Tattoo Emporium in Carr Lane last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur. Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.

    “It was a big job in more ways than one.” he told us “I’d just lit a roll up and was finishing off a centurions helmet. It’s delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in her buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting from her arse up to my roll-up and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire.”

    Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.

    “To be honest”, said Jason, “I didn’t even realise she was wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have been none the wiser.”

    Jason and Tracey were taken to Hull Royal Infirmary A&E where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.

    “I’m furious” said Jason, “I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrow's not there any more. I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind’s more like it. You don’t just let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.”

    But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant;

    “I’m still in agony,” she said, “And Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have had a fag on the go, and there’s no way I’d guff on purpose. He’d had me up on his bench on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that. I give him my five second warning and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just crept out.”

    Ted Walters from the Humberside Fire and Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we told him what had happened “People just don’t appreciate the dangers.... “he told us, “We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days, now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flame ‘n fart – keep ’em apart’. Anyone engaging in an arse inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.”
     
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  7. davidsmith1307

    davidsmith1307 Member Supporter I am in great_britain

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  8. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    A long time ago when they used to run day trips from Tower Pier by Tower Bridge, two cockney mates went on a day trip to Calais.

    While sitting at a pavement café enjoying a beer, one, showing off the little French he knew, said to his mate

    "Ere Bert, Regardez Le Mouche" Bert said "What you on about?" Fred said "In your beer, there's a fly - Regardez Le Mouche, Le Mouche is French for a fly.

    A Frenchman at the table next to them said "Excuse me Monsieur, it is La Mouche not Le Mouche" the cockney turned to his mate and said "These French have got bloody good eyesight ain't they"
     
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  9. Pat

    Pat Well-Known Member I am in new_zealand

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    image.png
     
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  10. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member I am in england

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  11. davidsmith1307

    davidsmith1307 Member Supporter I am in great_britain

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    Not Hull mate - the grammar is too good. And no Hull lass would know Sidney bloody Poitier!
     
  12. Chas

    Chas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    A couple are driving home and run over a Badger, they get out and find it's still breathing but freezing cold.


    Husband says "Put it between your legs to warm it up",

    Wife replies "But it's all wet and it stinks",
    He says "Well hold the Badgers f**king nose then!"
     
  13. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    A couple, both well into their seventies, go to the sex therapist's office.

    The therapist says, "What can I do for you."

    The man says, "We want you to watch us having sexual intercourse."

    The therapist raises both eyebrows, but is so amazed that an elderly couple want sex advice, that he agrees.

    When the couple have finished, the therapist says to them, "There is absolutely nothing wrong with the way that you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck and charges them £50.00

    The next week however, the couple return and ask the therapist to watch again.
    The therapist is rather puzzled, but agrees.
    This goes on for several weeks - the couple make an appointment, have intercourse without any problem, pay the therapist and then leave.

    Finally, the therapist says, "Pardon me, but I have to ask, what exactly are you trying to find out?"

    The man replies,"We are not trying to find out anything, but she is married, so we can't go to her house' I'm married, so we can't go to my house.
    Travelodge charges £93.00, The Hilton charges £193.00, we get in here for £50.00 and I claim £43.00 back from BUPA.........
     
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  14. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    The pub is ten minutes from my house. However, my house is two hours from the pub.



    I found a Justin Bieber gig ticket nailed to a tree so I took it.

    You never know when you might need a nail......
     
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  15. Pat

    Pat Well-Known Member I am in new_zealand

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    image.jpg ,
     
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  16. Pat

    Pat Well-Known Member I am in new_zealand

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  17. Trevor

    Trevor Well-Known Member I am in england

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    My next door neighbour had a letter today from his council saying they are doing away with his and others allotments to build houses. He went down there, smashed the green house and set fire to the shed.

    I think he's losing the plot.
     
    Last edited: Aug 26, 2017
  18. Bungarra

    Bungarra New Member

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    The doctor took the husband in first.
    The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.
    He checked his blood pressure and other things then said he was going to check with the wife.
    He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe.
    Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.
    She did as instructed. He then told her to turn all the way around in the other direction.
    Then he said - "Ok, good - you can get dressed now, and I will talk to your husband".
    The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband, "Well, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you.
    I couldn't get an erection either"

    ...

    Bert, at 80 years old, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
    Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
    "Notice anything different about me?"
    Margaret at age 75, looked him over and replied, "Nope."
    Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new boots.
    Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time,
    "Notice anything different NOW???"
    Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response,
    "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
    Furious, Bert yells out,
    "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
    "Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
    "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
    Without missing a beat old Margaret replies,
    "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."
     
  19. Pat

    Pat Well-Known Member I am in new_zealand

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  20. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    I was just about to leave the pub, when a clash tribute band came on.should I stay or should I go now?
     
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