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When I die, I want to come back as some French cheese in a tin of evaporated milk, because I believe in...
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Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
- Start date
A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who frequently wore short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store glances at the shop assistant and the shelves of bread with the Raisin bread on the top shelf, bearing in mind her short skirt he asks for the Raisin bread please.
The shop assistant nods and climbs the ladder, the man directly below her is provided with an excellent view just as he thought, as she descends your man says "I’d like two please" so she climbs the ladder again when one of the other male customers notices what’s going on and asks for Raisin bread this keeps on happening and she’s wondering why the unusual interest in Raisin bread.
Atop the ladder she looks down and glares at the men below when she notices an elderly man amongst the crowd, thinking she can save herself another trip she yells at the old man “Is it Raisin for you too?”
“No” he stammers, “but it’s quivering a little.”
One day a young man enters the store glances at the shop assistant and the shelves of bread with the Raisin bread on the top shelf, bearing in mind her short skirt he asks for the Raisin bread please.
The shop assistant nods and climbs the ladder, the man directly below her is provided with an excellent view just as he thought, as she descends your man says "I’d like two please" so she climbs the ladder again when one of the other male customers notices what’s going on and asks for Raisin bread this keeps on happening and she’s wondering why the unusual interest in Raisin bread.
Atop the ladder she looks down and glares at the men below when she notices an elderly man amongst the crowd, thinking she can save herself another trip she yells at the old man “Is it Raisin for you too?”
“No” he stammers, “but it’s quivering a little.”
Brian S
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A man walking down the road, comes upon a long,long ladder reaching up to the sky.
The man being a curious fellow decides to climb the ladder to see where it goes. After he makes it past the clouds he sees the most hideous woman sitting naked atop the layer of clouds. The woman calls to him saying "Take me now, or climb the ladder to success". The man thought success sounds better than sleeping with her so he climbed up past the next layer of clouds where he met another naked woman waiting for him. This one slightly more attractive, not a knock out but fairly pretty. She too calls to the man, saying "Take me now, or climb the ladder to success". The man thought about it but can't help but see what might wait for him past the next layer of clouds, so up he went. When he finally passed the third layer he sees the most beautiful woman he's ever seen laying naked on the clouds, he almost couldn't believe when she said "Take me now, or climb the ladder to success". He really had to think about this one, but curiosity got the best of him so he climbed up to the fourth layer where the ladder ended, then disappeared. He turned around and in front of him was a big naked ugly, hairy bloke who said "Hi, I'm Cess".
The man being a curious fellow decides to climb the ladder to see where it goes. After he makes it past the clouds he sees the most hideous woman sitting naked atop the layer of clouds. The woman calls to him saying "Take me now, or climb the ladder to success". The man thought success sounds better than sleeping with her so he climbed up past the next layer of clouds where he met another naked woman waiting for him. This one slightly more attractive, not a knock out but fairly pretty. She too calls to the man, saying "Take me now, or climb the ladder to success". The man thought about it but can't help but see what might wait for him past the next layer of clouds, so up he went. When he finally passed the third layer he sees the most beautiful woman he's ever seen laying naked on the clouds, he almost couldn't believe when she said "Take me now, or climb the ladder to success". He really had to think about this one, but curiosity got the best of him so he climbed up to the fourth layer where the ladder ended, then disappeared. He turned around and in front of him was a big naked ugly, hairy bloke who said "Hi, I'm Cess".
Brian S
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A retired couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman had just sold the car that they had been keen on buying to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and halter top.
The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply: "Young man, I thought that you said you would hold that car until we raised the £55,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you close the deal for £45,000 to that lovely young lady there. And if I remember rightly you insisted there was no way you could discount this model."
The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the salesman grinning sheepishly.
Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.
"There you go", she said, "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you later, and Happy Birthday dad"
The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply: "Young man, I thought that you said you would hold that car until we raised the £55,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you close the deal for £45,000 to that lovely young lady there. And if I remember rightly you insisted there was no way you could discount this model."
The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the salesman grinning sheepishly.
Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.
"There you go", she said, "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you later, and Happy Birthday dad"
Brian S
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The Hunting Accident
A guy was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.
The good news is that you are going to be OK.
The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied.
"Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
" Not exactly answered the doctor.
"She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going toteach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
A guy was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.
The good news is that you are going to be OK.
The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied.
"Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
" Not exactly answered the doctor.
"She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going toteach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
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Brian S
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Extracts from genuine letters written to local councils in the UK:
1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it..
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it..
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
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As I lay there on the floor, my naked body covered in treacle and whipped cream, I heard those inevitable words . . . "Clean up on aisle 3."
News: Italian man sets World Record by putting on 13 pairs of underpants in 30 seconds. Related News: Italian man banned from Victoria’s Secret.
News: Italian man sets World Record by putting on 13 pairs of underpants in 30 seconds. Related News: Italian man banned from Victoria’s Secret.
I nearly wet myself at No 22
(Please – don’t kill me)
Under the sea, in a place called Bikini Bottom, and across the street from a sponge and starfish public house, there lived Larry Lobster and Sam Clam. They were the best of friends and did everything together; bowling, fishing, competitive dog grooming – they did everything and they were pretty much inseparable. They were like brothers.
Then one day Sam Clam was hit by a truck while they were skateboarding and was killed instantly. Larry Lobster was heartbroken and crushed (but not nearly as crushed as Sam). Now, it is believed that lobsters can live as long as 100 years (go ahead, google it) and that was a very long time for Larry to mourn the passing of his little buddy.
But a day did not go by that he didn’t think about Sam. Eventually Larry was caught, boiled alive, and served up to some folks at a Red Lobster in Norman, Oklahoma. When Larry got to heaven he was so very excited to be able to see his little buddy again, but when he asked Saint Peter where Sam Clam was he was met with a frown. “I am afraid that Sam didn’t fit in up here, Larry. He waited and waited for you but eventually just moved down to hell.”
Once again, Larry was beside himself with grief and Saint Peter took pity on him. “(Sigh) – Look Larry, we want you to be happy up here, so maybe – maybe – I could give you a 24 hour pass and you can go down to hell and see Sam.” “A 24 hour pass?” asked Larry. “Yes,” says Saint Peter, “with only a few conditions: you must be back no later than midnight, and you must keep your wings, your harp, and your halo with you at all times. Do you think you can do that?” “Oh, yes, Sir!” exclaimed Larry and in just a few short minutes Larry was in an Uber on his way to hell. When asked, the Uber driver knew exactly where Sam was and drove Larry right down the main strip of hell, which suspiciously looked a lot like Las Vegas.
Larry was dropped off in front of a large Discotheque right out of the 1980s and inside it was the wildest dance party he had ever seen. Right in the middle of it, sitting at a table and surrounded by a bevy of sexy seahorses, was Sam Clam. Once they saw each other they rushed together and hugged each other and were happier than either one of them had been in years.
“Wow, this is some nightclub, Sam,” says Larry, impressed by his surroundings. “Yep,” says Sam, “and it’s all mine. I bought it several years back and it’s just been awesome. Drinking, dancing, and sexy seahorses – it’s everything I ever wanted.” And with that, Larry and Sam drank, danced, and admired the sexy seahorses all evening long. It was almost like old times, Larry thought, but suddenly looked down at his watch and realized he had only a few minutes to get back to heaven to meet his curfew.
He hugged his little buddy again and Sam told him he could come back anytime. Larry rushed out of the club and hailed a taxi and off he went back to heaven. When he got there, Saint Peter was waiting for him, not very amused at Larry being late. When Larry got up to the gates Saint Peter asked him if he had a good time down there in hell. “Oh, yeah, you wouldn’t believe it, Sam has got this awesome place down there.”
Saint Pete looked at Larry and frowned, “Larry, did you forget something?” Larry looked at Saint Peter and then did a quick inventory of all his stuff. “Oh, no,” exclaimed Larry,
“I LEFT MY HARP IN SAM CLAM’S DISCO!”
I'll get my coat.
Under the sea, in a place called Bikini Bottom, and across the street from a sponge and starfish public house, there lived Larry Lobster and Sam Clam. They were the best of friends and did everything together; bowling, fishing, competitive dog grooming – they did everything and they were pretty much inseparable. They were like brothers.
Then one day Sam Clam was hit by a truck while they were skateboarding and was killed instantly. Larry Lobster was heartbroken and crushed (but not nearly as crushed as Sam). Now, it is believed that lobsters can live as long as 100 years (go ahead, google it) and that was a very long time for Larry to mourn the passing of his little buddy.
But a day did not go by that he didn’t think about Sam. Eventually Larry was caught, boiled alive, and served up to some folks at a Red Lobster in Norman, Oklahoma. When Larry got to heaven he was so very excited to be able to see his little buddy again, but when he asked Saint Peter where Sam Clam was he was met with a frown. “I am afraid that Sam didn’t fit in up here, Larry. He waited and waited for you but eventually just moved down to hell.”
Once again, Larry was beside himself with grief and Saint Peter took pity on him. “(Sigh) – Look Larry, we want you to be happy up here, so maybe – maybe – I could give you a 24 hour pass and you can go down to hell and see Sam.” “A 24 hour pass?” asked Larry. “Yes,” says Saint Peter, “with only a few conditions: you must be back no later than midnight, and you must keep your wings, your harp, and your halo with you at all times. Do you think you can do that?” “Oh, yes, Sir!” exclaimed Larry and in just a few short minutes Larry was in an Uber on his way to hell. When asked, the Uber driver knew exactly where Sam was and drove Larry right down the main strip of hell, which suspiciously looked a lot like Las Vegas.
Larry was dropped off in front of a large Discotheque right out of the 1980s and inside it was the wildest dance party he had ever seen. Right in the middle of it, sitting at a table and surrounded by a bevy of sexy seahorses, was Sam Clam. Once they saw each other they rushed together and hugged each other and were happier than either one of them had been in years.
“Wow, this is some nightclub, Sam,” says Larry, impressed by his surroundings. “Yep,” says Sam, “and it’s all mine. I bought it several years back and it’s just been awesome. Drinking, dancing, and sexy seahorses – it’s everything I ever wanted.” And with that, Larry and Sam drank, danced, and admired the sexy seahorses all evening long. It was almost like old times, Larry thought, but suddenly looked down at his watch and realized he had only a few minutes to get back to heaven to meet his curfew.
He hugged his little buddy again and Sam told him he could come back anytime. Larry rushed out of the club and hailed a taxi and off he went back to heaven. When he got there, Saint Peter was waiting for him, not very amused at Larry being late. When Larry got up to the gates Saint Peter asked him if he had a good time down there in hell. “Oh, yeah, you wouldn’t believe it, Sam has got this awesome place down there.”
Saint Pete looked at Larry and frowned, “Larry, did you forget something?” Larry looked at Saint Peter and then did a quick inventory of all his stuff. “Oh, no,” exclaimed Larry,
“I LEFT MY HARP IN SAM CLAM’S DISCO!”
I'll get my coat.
Pat
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it took me a while!
Two good ol' boys in a Tennessee trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant.
After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"
After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"
Brian S
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No, he nicked mine.Groan
You nicked Andy's joke book Chas?
Breaking news: A lorry carrying 25 tons of Vicks Vapour Rub has overturned on the M6, near Birmingham, spilling it's load onto the carriage way.
The Police have said there will be no congestion for at least 12hrs
The Police have said there will be no congestion for at least 12hrs
Brian S
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Hopefully not a repeat
A couple went to the doctor’s office with an unusual request.
“Will you watch us have sexual intercourse and give us some advice?” The man asked.
The doctor was surprised, but he agreed and told them to go ahead.
When the couple had finished, the doctor shrugged. “I’m not sure what you’re worried about; I don’t see anything wrong with the way you’re doing it.”
The couple thanked him and went out to pay for their consultation.
The doctor thought nothing of it until the next week, when the couple returned and asked for the same thing. After several weeks of this, with the couple walking in and trying different positions, the doctor had to know what was going on.
“What exactly are you trying to find out?” the doctor asked. “I’ve been watching you have sex for weeks and I can’t see a single issue if you’re both enjoying it.”
“Well,” said the man, “my girlfriend’s married so we can’t go to her house. I’m married so we can’t go to my house either. The cheapest motel charges $150. When we come here, we can do it for $75 and still get some money back from medical insurance!”
A couple went to the doctor’s office with an unusual request.
“Will you watch us have sexual intercourse and give us some advice?” The man asked.
The doctor was surprised, but he agreed and told them to go ahead.
When the couple had finished, the doctor shrugged. “I’m not sure what you’re worried about; I don’t see anything wrong with the way you’re doing it.”
The couple thanked him and went out to pay for their consultation.
The doctor thought nothing of it until the next week, when the couple returned and asked for the same thing. After several weeks of this, with the couple walking in and trying different positions, the doctor had to know what was going on.
“What exactly are you trying to find out?” the doctor asked. “I’ve been watching you have sex for weeks and I can’t see a single issue if you’re both enjoying it.”
“Well,” said the man, “my girlfriend’s married so we can’t go to her house. I’m married so we can’t go to my house either. The cheapest motel charges $150. When we come here, we can do it for $75 and still get some money back from medical insurance!”
Brian S
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A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, Im not a virgin."
The husband replies, "Thats no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, Ive been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, hes rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "Im hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldnt do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"Hed come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "Im still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldnt do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"Hed come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish hes tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! Im calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
The husband replies, "Thats no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, Ive been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, hes rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "Im hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldnt do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"Hed come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "Im still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldnt do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"Hed come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish hes tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! Im calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
