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Repeat Chas, mind a lot are on their second time around.
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Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
- Start date
Repeat Chas, mind a lot are on their second time around.
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- Nov 19, 2010
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I phoned my wife to say I'd driven through a shower of hail the size of golf balls. "Are the car windows okay?" she asked. "There's a hole in one" I replied.
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"I failed math today." Little Johnny told his father.
"What?! How did you fail math?!" His father asked.
Johnny explained, "Well, she asked me what three times two is. I said six."
His father nodded, "Yeah, that's the right answer. And...?"
"Then she asked me what two times three is."
"What the fuck is the difference?"
Johnny exclaimed, "That's what I said!"
"What?! How did you fail math?!" His father asked.
Johnny explained, "Well, she asked me what three times two is. I said six."
His father nodded, "Yeah, that's the right answer. And...?"
"Then she asked me what two times three is."
"What the fuck is the difference?"
Johnny exclaimed, "That's what I said!"
That sounds like one of Andys . . . . . . . or mine.
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Two guys in their early thirties were chatting at the bar. One of them said:
"Gosh, you really look like crap. What's wrong with you?l"
His friend replied:
"Man, I'm exhausted. My girlfriend wants sex all the time. Morning, lunchtime, afternoon, evening, middle of the night, she never gets enough... I can't start buying Viagra wholesale at my age, can I? And my Johnson is getting blisters now..."
An old geezer sitting nearby leaned over and told him:
"Marry her, son, marry her. She'll stop that nonsense real fast..."
"Gosh, you really look like crap. What's wrong with you?l"
His friend replied:
"Man, I'm exhausted. My girlfriend wants sex all the time. Morning, lunchtime, afternoon, evening, middle of the night, she never gets enough... I can't start buying Viagra wholesale at my age, can I? And my Johnson is getting blisters now..."
An old geezer sitting nearby leaned over and told him:
"Marry her, son, marry her. She'll stop that nonsense real fast..."
notsodusty
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- Aug 28, 2017
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This morning I went to Centrelink to sign my dogs up for welfare benefits.
The lady said, "Dogs are not eligible for benefits."
So, I explained to her that my dogs are coloured, unemployed,
bone lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their fathers are.
They expect me to feed them, and provide them with housing and medical care.
So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
My dogs get their first cheques next Friday.
Bugger me, this Australia is a great country!
The lady said, "Dogs are not eligible for benefits."
So, I explained to her that my dogs are coloured, unemployed,
bone lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their fathers are.
They expect me to feed them, and provide them with housing and medical care.
So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
My dogs get their first cheques next Friday.
Bugger me, this Australia is a great country!
notsodusty
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A man walks into a Zoo,
The only animal in the entire Zoo is a Dog, it's a Shitzu.
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The only animal in the entire Zoo is a Dog, it's a Shitzu.
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notsodusty
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Bugger!
I was just cooking a Hawaiian pizza and burnt it.
Maybe I should have cooked it on aloha temperature.
I was just cooking a Hawaiian pizza and burnt it.
Maybe I should have cooked it on aloha temperature.
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Have you noticed how many F1 drivers have names linked to Scottish towns? Stirling Moss. Lewis Hamilton. Eddie Irvine. Ayr Town centre.
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If you thought that was bad...........
A man who became infamous for having sex with 450 tractors has now moved to Norfolk, farmers in the county have been warned.
Police say Ralph Bishop, 55, has moved to the Downham Market area after being hounded out of Suffolk.
Bishop was forced to sign the sex offenders’ register and ordered to stay away from farm machinery after being caught acting out his sexual fantasies on a gleaming green John Deere.
When officers raided his house near Saxmundham in Suffolk, they found more than 5,000 images of tractors on his laptop.
Now Bishop has moved to Norfolk, meaning he had to tell police about his new address.
Officers have been discreetly visiting farmers in the county to warn them to look out for Bishop in their fields.
A Norfolk police insider said: “This is a sick man with a long history of interfering with tractors.
“It is quite normal in these sorts of cases for us to warn the local community if a person such as this moves into the area.
“There is no reason for members of the public to be alarmed, however.”
Bishop was told not to go within one mile of a farm after police caught him with his trousers down, wearing only a white t-shirt and Wellington boots while interfering with a John Deere.
A spokesman for the National Farmers’ Union confirmed members in Norfolk had been warned about Bishop’s arrival from Suffolk.
Bishop refused to comment to the Norfolk Gazette, saying only: “I have changed my ways. I am now an ex-tractor fan.”
A man who became infamous for having sex with 450 tractors has now moved to Norfolk, farmers in the county have been warned.
Police say Ralph Bishop, 55, has moved to the Downham Market area after being hounded out of Suffolk.
Bishop was forced to sign the sex offenders’ register and ordered to stay away from farm machinery after being caught acting out his sexual fantasies on a gleaming green John Deere.
When officers raided his house near Saxmundham in Suffolk, they found more than 5,000 images of tractors on his laptop.
Now Bishop has moved to Norfolk, meaning he had to tell police about his new address.
Officers have been discreetly visiting farmers in the county to warn them to look out for Bishop in their fields.
A Norfolk police insider said: “This is a sick man with a long history of interfering with tractors.
“It is quite normal in these sorts of cases for us to warn the local community if a person such as this moves into the area.
“There is no reason for members of the public to be alarmed, however.”
Bishop was told not to go within one mile of a farm after police caught him with his trousers down, wearing only a white t-shirt and Wellington boots while interfering with a John Deere.
A spokesman for the National Farmers’ Union confirmed members in Norfolk had been warned about Bishop’s arrival from Suffolk.
Bishop refused to comment to the Norfolk Gazette, saying only: “I have changed my ways. I am now an ex-tractor fan.”
That must be the farmer chap who was caught by his mate dancing in his barn in front of a tractor in just his vest and pants, he said to his mate, he went to his doctor because his wife was ignoring him in the bedroom, the doctor said he had to do something to attract her.
notsodusty
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goodoldboy
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Johno , a lazy , drunken , ignorant racist Aussie walks into his local bar with a face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle..His mate Davo spots him & says “whats the matter mate? Caught your missus shagging the postie again”
“No Davo its like this. Ive got a job , a Landcruiser , a house , a wife – although she is a cheating cow – healthcare , education , beer , everything but i´m burning with resentment towards the Abbos.I mean we did colonose their country without their consent , destroy their way of life , hunt them like animals , steal their kids & land & turn them into second class citizens in their own country but weve given them so much! Alcohol , drugs , guns , Jason Donovan , but they´re so ungrateful ! And as for the dole , don´t get me started , i mean i coud have an extra 3.99 a week if it wasnt for them. why can´t they just be white or die?
Davo says “now steady on Johno , i know you´re a bigoted arsehole but thats going too far even for you. I mean some of us Aussies are racists but were not fucking Nazis.look on the bright side , you´ve told everyone for years that you´re a hard working , intelegent , law abiding citizen – drink driving , the dope plantation & the cash jobs aside – but everytime something goes wrong its the Abbos fault.If they all die you´ll be looking for another scapegoat”
Johno cracks a smile & take a glug of his beer “Bugger me , this Australia is a great country!”
"Have you ever seen a twenty pound note all crumpled up?" asked the wife.
"No," I said.
She gave me a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.
"Have you ever seen a fifty pound note all crumpled up?" she asked.
"No," I said.
She gave me another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen 30,000 pounds all crumpled up?"
"No," I said, by this time I am getting really excited
"Well, she said, go and take a look in the garage.
"No," I said.
She gave me a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.
"Have you ever seen a fifty pound note all crumpled up?" she asked.
"No," I said.
She gave me another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen 30,000 pounds all crumpled up?"
"No," I said, by this time I am getting really excited
"Well, she said, go and take a look in the garage.
Pat
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The story about bishop and the tractors reminded me of an accountant by the name of Potter who worked for the same firm as my brother.
He was in his mid thirties,single,never went out with girls and to everyone's surprise,out of the blue he married.Well before the big day they had a shout gave him a present and on the weekend got married and set off on his honeymoon.Well mid week there was a lot of kerfluffle amongst the bosses and visits from the law.It turned out that whilst staying in secluded country pub
he went for a walk and was caught in a paddock having sex with a young heifer.
The sequel to this he was put on remand in the prison and the first night in
the warders were dishing out dinner and came to his cell and tossed a bale of hay in.where's my tea he yelled .The reply ,What's good enough for your girlfriends is good enough for you.
He was in his mid thirties,single,never went out with girls and to everyone's surprise,out of the blue he married.Well before the big day they had a shout gave him a present and on the weekend got married and set off on his honeymoon.Well mid week there was a lot of kerfluffle amongst the bosses and visits from the law.It turned out that whilst staying in secluded country pub
he went for a walk and was caught in a paddock having sex with a young heifer.
The sequel to this he was put on remand in the prison and the first night in
the warders were dishing out dinner and came to his cell and tossed a bale of hay in.where's my tea he yelled .The reply ,What's good enough for your girlfriends is good enough for you.
Brian S
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A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.
She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone,
while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says.
'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde.
The boy looks at her incredulously and says,
"Because I'm the Goalie !"
She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone,
while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says.
'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde.
The boy looks at her incredulously and says,
"Because I'm the Goalie !"
