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Jokes

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Went to the beach this morning and witnessed some totally disgusting behavior between a man and a woman arguing in front of a load of kids. She hit him one on the head and it all kicked off.
Someone called the police he tried to calm the couple down but then they both turned on him, he had to pull his truncheon but the man wrestled it off him and started hitting the plod and the woman with it.
.

Then a crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages . . . . .
 
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Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out,
fireman, cameraman, audio engineer, policeman, salesman, chippy, etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his
clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.."
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No" said Billy, "He plays football for Chelsea but I was just too embarrassed to say.
 
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A young Italian virgin chats a guy up in a bar and takes him home. Her mother's in the kitchen cooking. She says mama Mia I have biga stronga man. Mum replies you take him upstairs and sorta your man out. So she leads him upstairs. He takes his top off and the virgin screams mama Mia he has a biga hairy Chesta she shouts back you sorta ya man I make a da pizza. He takes his trousers off and has big hairy legs. Virgin shouts mama Mia he has a biga hairy Chesta she shouts you sort out ya man I make a da pizza. He takes off his shoes and only has one full foot and a bit of the other foot. She screams mama Mia he has a foot an a Half a. Mum shouts I sorta ya man u make a da fooking pizza!
 
Mrs.Blanchett’s furnace stop working so she calls a serviceman. Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, “I’ll leave the key under the doormat. Fix the furnace, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll send money to your account. Oh, by the way, don’t worry about my doberman; he won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, talk to the parrot!”

When the serviceman arrives at Mrs.Blanchett’s flat the next day, he discovers the biggest and scariest doberman he has ever seen. But just as she said, the dog just lays there on the carpet watching him go about his business.

The Parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling,cursing, and name-calling. Finally theserviceman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you idiot ugly bird!”

The parrot responded, “Get him,Apollo.”
 
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...

A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral....I'm a gynaecologist!'

The priest fainted!......................

Being a proctologist doesn't bear thinking about.....
 
What a morning……pffff…
8:00 I made a snowman.
8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.
8:15 I made a snow woman....
8:17 The nanny of the neighbours complained about the voluptuous chest on the snow woman.
8:20 The gay couple living across the street complained that it could have been two snowmen instead.
8:25 The neighbours on the left, who are vegans, complained that the orange nose, a carrot, needs to be something else because food is for eating and not to decorate a snowman and woman with.
8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple are white.
8:31 The husband of Fatima wants the snow woman to wear a headscarf.
8:40 The Police arrives to see what’s going on.
8.42 I am told that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because this could be being used as a striking weapon.
8:50 The militant group Islamic State made itself known as the snowman.
8:52 My phone is being seized and thoroughly checked while I being blindfolded and flown to the Police station in a helicopter.
9:00 I am asked if I have any accomplices.
Done with this!! I will never make a snowman, snow woman or snow whatever again. It’s too dangerous!!
I wish everybody a merry Christmas and a happy New Year
 
1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be
Offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the
Felling Licence. He is also fined a £100 as his Chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the Chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target.

When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail again the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and leave behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting.

The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly-tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be
Arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.

The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry
However, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the government's expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.
You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths 2025
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة
> الانتاج 80 من
> الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟= 20 ---------
 
Today I tried to explain to some people the difference between pounds and kilograms.
It was mass confusion.
 
A corrupt high-ranking politician dies and arrives at the gates of Heaven. He's met by St Peter who says "Welcome to Heaven. Before you come in, you should know, we don't often see high officials round here, so I've been given orders on what to do with you."

"You have to spend a day in Hell first, and then a day in Heaven, after that you can choose which you want for eternity".

The politician says "I've already decided, I want to be in Heaven."

...
St Peter says, "Well, I still have to do what I've been told", and he sends the politician to Hell first.

The politician finds himself on a beautiful golf course, not far from the club house where all his political friends from his previous life are outside, and they run to greet him, reminiscing about the good times getting rich off the people. They play a nice round of golf, and the Devil hosts a wonderful cocktail party afterwards, with caviar, champagne, lobster, dancing... the full Monty.

He's having such a good time that before he realises, it's time to go.

He's brought back up to Heaven, where he finds himself on beautiful clouds, with angels playing sweet music on harps, and everyone in blissful contentment. Everything is so peaceful that before he knows it, the day is up and St Peter brings him back to the gate and says, "OK, so it's time to decide which you want"

The politician says "Well, I didn't think I'd believe it... Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell"

So St Peter takes him back down, and he finds himself in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. All his friends are dressed in rags picking up the trash and putting it in black bags.

The guy finds the Devil and says, "What's happened here? Yesterday it was a golfing paradise, everyone was well-dressed, we had a really nice game and a party afterwards..."

The Devil says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us."
 
The three bears.
An accurate account of what happened that morning.

Baby bear comes down from his bedroom, sits in his little chair and looks down into his empty bowl and squeaks who's been eating my porridge.
Father bear comes clumping down and sits in his chair, looks at his bowl and roars whose been eating my porridge.

Mummy bear puts her head through the serving hatch and yells,For God's sake how many times do I have to tell you idiots.
It was mummy bear who got out of bed first and woke you up,it was mummy bear who made the coffee, it was mummy bear who emptied the dishwasher of last nights dishes, it was mummy bear who put everything away.
It was mummy bear who swept the floor, it was mummy bear went out In the cold and got the newspaper and the croissants, It was mummy bear who set the damn table it was mummy bear who emptied the cats litter and fed her, it was mummy bear who took the dog for a walk and fed and watered him, and now you have dragged your sorry, grumpy bear arses down here to grace me with your presence just listen carefully because I will only say this ONCE







I HAVEN'T MADE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET.
 
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