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Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
- Start date
Jessica walks into a BMW salesmanship. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she mistakenly breaks Wind.
She felt very ashamed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a salesman doesn’t pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare comes true in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool like Johnny Depp and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady With, “Good day, Madame. How may I help you today?” Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, Jessica asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely car?”
Salesman answers, “Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price.”
She felt very ashamed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a salesman doesn’t pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare comes true in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool like Johnny Depp and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady With, “Good day, Madame. How may I help you today?” Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, Jessica asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely car?”
Salesman answers, “Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price.”
A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says, “Damn, I WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home?
The livestock dealer said, “Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?” “Hey, thanks!” the farmer said, and off he went.
While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?”
The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let’s take my short cut and go down this lane. We’ll be there in no time.”
The little old lady said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get down this lane you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?”
The farmer said, “Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”
She replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket … and I’ll hold the chickens.”
The livestock dealer said, “Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?” “Hey, thanks!” the farmer said, and off he went.
While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?”
The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let’s take my short cut and go down this lane. We’ll be there in no time.”
The little old lady said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get down this lane you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?”
The farmer said, “Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”
She replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket … and I’ll hold the chickens.”
Donald Trump visits an elementary school one day.
In one of the classes, students are in the middle of a discussion about words and their meanings.
The teacher asks Donald if he’d like to lead the discussion of the word “tragedy.”
He agrees to do so and asks the class for an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stands up and says, “If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing football and a runaway tractor comes along and runs him over and kills him, that would be a ...tragedy.”
“No,” says Donald, “That would be an accident.”
Next a little girl raises her finger and says, “If a school bus carrying thirty children went off a cliff and fell in the sea, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”
“No, I’m afraid not,” says Donald. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”
The class in silence for a few seconds as no other children volunteer.
Donald looks around the room and says a little testily, “Isn’t there anyone here who can give me a true example of a tragedy?”
At last, a little boy at the back of the class raises his finger and says, “If Airforce one was carrying you, sir, was struck by a rocket and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.”
“That’s exactly right!” shouts Donald, “And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”
“Well,” says Curtis, “Because I am sure, it wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
In one of the classes, students are in the middle of a discussion about words and their meanings.
The teacher asks Donald if he’d like to lead the discussion of the word “tragedy.”
He agrees to do so and asks the class for an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stands up and says, “If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing football and a runaway tractor comes along and runs him over and kills him, that would be a ...tragedy.”
“No,” says Donald, “That would be an accident.”
Next a little girl raises her finger and says, “If a school bus carrying thirty children went off a cliff and fell in the sea, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”
“No, I’m afraid not,” says Donald. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”
The class in silence for a few seconds as no other children volunteer.
Donald looks around the room and says a little testily, “Isn’t there anyone here who can give me a true example of a tragedy?”
At last, a little boy at the back of the class raises his finger and says, “If Airforce one was carrying you, sir, was struck by a rocket and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.”
“That’s exactly right!” shouts Donald, “And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”
“Well,” says Curtis, “Because I am sure, it wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
notsodusty
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Bloody autocorrect 
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Spend a few hours on this site
http://www.damnyouautocorrect.com
http://www.damnyouautocorrect.com
This old chap went to see his doctor because he was constipated, and the doctor prescribed these large capsules, the old chap said “I’ll never be able to swallow those” the doctor told him “You don’t swallow them, you place them in your back passage”
So the old chap went away, and the next week he was back at the docs complaining they didn’t work.
The doc says “You did put them in your back passage didn’t you”
The old chap said (You know what’s coming don’t you?) “We don’t have a back passage so I put them in the front hall, but for all the good they did I might as well have stuck them up my arse”
So the old chap went away, and the next week he was back at the docs complaining they didn’t work.
The doc says “You did put them in your back passage didn’t you”
The old chap said (You know what’s coming don’t you?) “We don’t have a back passage so I put them in the front hall, but for all the good they did I might as well have stuck them up my arse”
Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the chemist – he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.” Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the chemist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told him, “Now, just listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t shut the house door with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.
Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.
I got the store opened and started serving these people, and all the time the damn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.
I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins – the phone is still ringing – when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke.
The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife – she had bought a rectal thermometer wanted to know how to use it.
Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!”
Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told him, “Now, just listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t shut the house door with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.
Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.
I got the store opened and started serving these people, and all the time the damn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.
I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins – the phone is still ringing – when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke.
The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife – she had bought a rectal thermometer wanted to know how to use it.
Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!”
notsodusty
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A guy walks into a bar with a pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone’s amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy “Did you see what your monkey just did?”
The guy says “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!”
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
“Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.
“No, what?” replies the guy. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!” said the bartender.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy. ” He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first…”
The bartender screams at the guy “Did you see what your monkey just did?”
The guy says “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!”
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
“Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.
“No, what?” replies the guy. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!” said the bartender.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy. ” He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first…”
An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. “There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.”
Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse’s anus and licked it. “Now you must do the same,” he told the class.
After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.
“Second,” the professor continued, “you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man’s anus, but licked my index finger?”
Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse’s anus and licked it. “Now you must do the same,” he told the class.
After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.
“Second,” the professor continued, “you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man’s anus, but licked my index finger?”
The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend – “Hey, why don’t you try this ball.” He draws a green golf ball out of his bag.
“Use this one – You can’t lose it!”
His friend replies, “What do you mean you can’t lose it?!!”
The first man replies, “I’m serious, you can’t lose it.
If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it.”
Obviously, his friend doesn’t believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, “Wow! That’s incredible! Where did you get that ball?”
The man replies, “I found it.”
“Use this one – You can’t lose it!”
His friend replies, “What do you mean you can’t lose it?!!”
The first man replies, “I’m serious, you can’t lose it.
If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it.”
Obviously, his friend doesn’t believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, “Wow! That’s incredible! Where did you get that ball?”
The man replies, “I found it.”
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.”
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.”
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, “I’m married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this.”
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde’s ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, “Why didn’t anyone just say so.”
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. The pilot replied, “I told her the first class section wasn’t going to New York
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.”
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, “I’m married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this.”
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde’s ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, “Why didn’t anyone just say so.”
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. The pilot replied, “I told her the first class section wasn’t going to New York
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two lady teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men’s toilet one of the boys came out and told her he couldn’t reach the urinal. Having no choice she went inside and began hoisting up the little boys by their armpits.
As she lifted one she couldn’t help but notice that he was rather well endowed, especially for a little kid.
“I guess you must be in the fifth,” she said.
“No ma’am,” he replied, “I’m in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. But thanks for the lift anyhow.”
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men’s toilet one of the boys came out and told her he couldn’t reach the urinal. Having no choice she went inside and began hoisting up the little boys by their armpits.
As she lifted one she couldn’t help but notice that he was rather well endowed, especially for a little kid.
“I guess you must be in the fifth,” she said.
“No ma’am,” he replied, “I’m in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. But thanks for the lift anyhow.”
Policeman on horse says to little girl on little pink bike, “Did Santa Claus get you that?”
“Yes” answers the little girl.
“Well please tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!” and fines her 5 bucks.
The little girl looks up at the police and says, “Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa Clause bring you that?”
The policeman giggles and replies, “He sure did!”
“Well,” says the little girl, “Next year tell Santa Claus that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!”
“Yes” answers the little girl.
“Well please tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!” and fines her 5 bucks.
The little girl looks up at the police and says, “Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa Clause bring you that?”
The policeman giggles and replies, “He sure did!”
“Well,” says the little girl, “Next year tell Santa Claus that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!”
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IRISH SAUSAGES
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money
between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said �Hang on, I have an idea.�
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said �Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!�
Murphy replied, �Don't worry - just follow me.�
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of
Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said �Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will
be in? We haven't got any money!!�
Murphy replied, with a smile. �Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!�
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, �OK, I'll stick the sausage
through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.�
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said �Murphy - I don't think I can do any more
of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!�
Murphy said, �How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which
pub I lost the sausage in.�
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money
between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said �Hang on, I have an idea.�
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said �Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!�
Murphy replied, �Don't worry - just follow me.�
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of
Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said �Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will
be in? We haven't got any money!!�
Murphy replied, with a smile. �Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!�
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, �OK, I'll stick the sausage
through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.�
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said �Murphy - I don't think I can do any more
of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!�
Murphy said, �How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which
pub I lost the sausage in.�
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Two ladies talking in Heaven:
1st woman: Hi, Wanda!
2nd woman: Hi, Sylvia! How did you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible !
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and died a peaceful death. And you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him by himself in the living room watching TV.
1st woman: so what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking, I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement, then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds, I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive today !!!
1st woman: Hi, Wanda!
2nd woman: Hi, Sylvia! How did you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible !
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and died a peaceful death. And you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him by himself in the living room watching TV.
1st woman: so what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking, I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement, then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds, I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive today !!!
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My mate races snails and he wanted to make one faster so he removed it's shell, unfortunately he just made it slugish.
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What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
Ground beef
