The udder jokes were funnier Andy..
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Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
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The udder jokes were funnier Andy... 
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I'm on it now, some old but hey!
1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
2. "I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a
."
3. "Dyslexic man walks into a bra"
4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag "I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays", was fifth.
6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
11. I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".
14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
15. There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"
16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
17. When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband".
18. "My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."
19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
24. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"
25. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".
26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
27. Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
29. I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?"
30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said, "Those are pickled onions".
36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
37. I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the
for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"
38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster
39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"
40. I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
42. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
43. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
46. I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
48. Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.
49. A seal walks into a club...
50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.
1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
2. "I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a
3. "Dyslexic man walks into a bra"
4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag "I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays", was fifth.
6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
11. I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".
14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
15. There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"
16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
17. When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband".
18. "My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."
19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
24. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"
25. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".
26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
27. Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
29. I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?"
30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said, "Those are pickled onions".
36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
37. I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the
38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster
39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"
40. I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
42. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
43. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
46. I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
48. Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.
49. A seal walks into a club...
50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.
A piece of black tarmac and red tarmac were having a drink when a piece of green tarmac walked in and said "Hello lads" the piece of red tarmac jumped up and ran to the loo, he was gone for ages until the green tarmac had gone. The black tarmac said "That was very rude of you" The red tarmac said "I won't have anything to do with that green tarmac, he's a cyclepath"
Boom boom 
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I was just thinking........The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning.
As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.
As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.
One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.
Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.
'Hello...Hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me? Hello!'
For a long while, there was no answer.
Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, 'Hello!
Is anyone down there?'
Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, singing;
'Vote for Jeremy Corbin........vote for Jeremy Corbin.'
Snow White fell to her knees and prayed, 'Oh, thank you, God! at least Dopey is still alive.
As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.
As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.
One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.
Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.
'Hello...Hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me? Hello!'
For a long while, there was no answer.
Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, 'Hello!
Is anyone down there?'
Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, singing;
'Vote for Jeremy Corbin........vote for Jeremy Corbin.'
Snow White fell to her knees and prayed, 'Oh, thank you, God! at least Dopey is still alive.
A police car was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover’s spot, famous for obscene activities. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The police carefully approaches the car to get a closer look and he sees a young man behind the wheel, watching an video film on computer. He immediately notices a young girl in the rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.
The young guy lowers his window. “Yes, officer?”
The police says: “What are you doing?”
The young guy says: “Well Officer, I’m watching something on my computer.”
Pointing towards the young girl in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?”
The young guy shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a sweater.”
Now, the policeman is totally surprised, a young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover’s lane… and nothing obscene is happening!
The officer asks: “What’s your age, young man?”
The young guy says “I’m twenty three, sir.”
The policeman asks: “And her…what’s her age?”
The young man looks at his watch and replies:
“She will be eighteen in nine minutes.
The police carefully approaches the car to get a closer look and he sees a young man behind the wheel, watching an video film on computer. He immediately notices a young girl in the rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.
The young guy lowers his window. “Yes, officer?”
The police says: “What are you doing?”
The young guy says: “Well Officer, I’m watching something on my computer.”
Pointing towards the young girl in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?”
The young guy shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a sweater.”
Now, the policeman is totally surprised, a young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover’s lane… and nothing obscene is happening!
The officer asks: “What’s your age, young man?”
The young guy says “I’m twenty three, sir.”
The policeman asks: “And her…what’s her age?”
The young man looks at his watch and replies:
“She will be eighteen in nine minutes.
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow’s final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family members death.
One smart ass, male student said, “What about extreme sexual exhaustion? And the whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write.
One smart ass, male student said, “What about extreme sexual exhaustion? And the whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write.
notsodusty
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A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery, and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of that species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators were told about Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals’ cages. Now Mike, it was rumoured, possessed ample ability and inclination to satisfy any female, but he wasn’t very bright.
So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Mike was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for five hundred dollars? Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
“First,” he said, “I don’t want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union.”
The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
“Well,” said Mike, “you’ve gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks.”
Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of that species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators were told about Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals’ cages. Now Mike, it was rumoured, possessed ample ability and inclination to satisfy any female, but he wasn’t very bright.
So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Mike was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for five hundred dollars? Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
“First,” he said, “I don’t want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union.”
The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
“Well,” said Mike, “you’ve gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks.”
An Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. Of course, my son, said the priest.
Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.
That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess, said the priest.
It's worse than that Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors, continued the old man.
Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly, said the priest.
Thank you, Father, said the old man.
That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?â€
Of course, my son, said the priest.
The old man asked, Should I to tell her that the war is over?
Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.
That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess, said the priest.
It's worse than that Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors, continued the old man.
Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly, said the priest.
Thank you, Father, said the old man.
That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?â€
Of course, my son, said the priest.
The old man asked, Should I to tell her that the war is over?
Crabby
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After the best sex of his life with his new Thai girlfriend, Dave rolls over exhausted. Just seconds pass by before she starts stroking his manhood.
Jeez..your ready to go again already?!
No. She said. I'm just admiring your cock. I really miss mine.
Jeez..your ready to go again already?!
No. She said. I'm just admiring your cock. I really miss mine.
One day, three dead bodies are delivered to a US mortuary. Each of them has a great big smile on their faces.
The Coroner examines the bodies and then calls the Inspector to tell him what has happened.
“First body is an Italian; 60, died of heart attack while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner.
“Second body is a Spaniard; 25, won a million pounds on the lottery, drunk too much tequila, whisky, wine, etc. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”
The inspector then asks, “What about the third body?”
“Ahh, Jesus,” says the officer, “This is the most unusual one. A redneck from Kansas, 34, struck by lightning.”
“Why is he smiling then?” asks the Inspector.
The Coroner replies; “He thought he was having his picture taken.”
The Coroner examines the bodies and then calls the Inspector to tell him what has happened.
“First body is an Italian; 60, died of heart attack while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner.
“Second body is a Spaniard; 25, won a million pounds on the lottery, drunk too much tequila, whisky, wine, etc. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”
The inspector then asks, “What about the third body?”
“Ahh, Jesus,” says the officer, “This is the most unusual one. A redneck from Kansas, 34, struck by lightning.”
“Why is he smiling then?” asks the Inspector.
The Coroner replies; “He thought he was having his picture taken.”
A man is driving down the highway when he sees a truck wrecked on the side of the road, and 2 penguins waddling around outside it. He pulls over and the truck driver tells him, Quick! can you take these birds to the zoo while I wait for AA The man agrees and drives off with the penguins.
After fixing his vehicle, the truck driver heads over to the zoo to make sure the penguins made it safely. There's no sign of them. The truck driver panics and starts scouring the town for his missing penguins. An hour later he passes by the local cinema, then who does he see leaving the theatre but the guy who said he'd help him, 2 penguins still in tow.
What happened! the truck driver screams. I told you to take them to the zoo!
I did, the man answers. But I had a little money left over, so I thought I'd take them to a movie too.
After fixing his vehicle, the truck driver heads over to the zoo to make sure the penguins made it safely. There's no sign of them. The truck driver panics and starts scouring the town for his missing penguins. An hour later he passes by the local cinema, then who does he see leaving the theatre but the guy who said he'd help him, 2 penguins still in tow.
What happened! the truck driver screams. I told you to take them to the zoo!
I did, the man answers. But I had a little money left over, so I thought I'd take them to a movie too.
Barbara has a heart attack, she dies and meets God.
“Am I dead?” she asked.
“Not yet,” God replied, “You will live for another thirty five years, three months, and seven days.”
At this instant, she snapped back into life. After the heart attack, she decides to make the most of her life.
She gets a face lift, botox, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even gets a hairdresser to change the color of her hair.
After her final surgery, she walks out and gets hit by a truck and dies. When she goes up in heaven and meets God, she’s steaming.
“What was that!?”Barbara asked.
“What?” God responded, “You died.”
“You said I would live another thirty five years!”
“Oh, sorry, I didn’t recognise you”
“Am I dead?” she asked.
“Not yet,” God replied, “You will live for another thirty five years, three months, and seven days.”
At this instant, she snapped back into life. After the heart attack, she decides to make the most of her life.
She gets a face lift, botox, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even gets a hairdresser to change the color of her hair.
After her final surgery, she walks out and gets hit by a truck and dies. When she goes up in heaven and meets God, she’s steaming.
“What was that!?”Barbara asked.
“What?” God responded, “You died.”
“You said I would live another thirty five years!”
“Oh, sorry, I didn’t recognise you”
With all the new fertility technology, my cousin Lydia got pregnant and had a baby recently, all of 65 years old.
When she was discharged from the hospital, I went to visit her at home. After greetings and small talk, I asked: “May I see the new baby?"
"Not yet," she said.... "I’ll make coffee and we can talk for a while, first."
Thirty minutes passed, and I asked: "And now… Can I see the baby?"
"No, not yet," she said.
After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, "So, where is the baby?"
"Wait… There is no hurry…” replied Lydia.
Growing very impatient, I asked: "Well, when will I see the baby, then?"
"When he cries!" she told me.
By now I was getting slightly miffed. "When he cries? Why the fcukk do I have to wait until the darn baby cries???"
And good ole Lydia snapped back: "Because I forgot where I put him, that’s why!!!”
When she was discharged from the hospital, I went to visit her at home. After greetings and small talk, I asked: “May I see the new baby?"
"Not yet," she said.... "I’ll make coffee and we can talk for a while, first."
Thirty minutes passed, and I asked: "And now… Can I see the baby?"
"No, not yet," she said.
After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, "So, where is the baby?"
"Wait… There is no hurry…” replied Lydia.
Growing very impatient, I asked: "Well, when will I see the baby, then?"
"When he cries!" she told me.
By now I was getting slightly miffed. "When he cries? Why the fcukk do I have to wait until the darn baby cries???"
And good ole Lydia snapped back: "Because I forgot where I put him, that’s why!!!”
notsodusty
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