Jokes

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

We had a minor earth tremor in Llan-y-Bobl this morning, causing my wife to drop her breakfast on the kitchen floor.

At least I THINK it happened in that order.

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair. Obviously, it wasn’t called that. It was advertised as a ‘School Reunion’

 

[Chas]

Dr. Jones is attending a medical conference at London. He goes to reception and finds out from the receptionist that his room is on the fourteenth floor of the building.
Exhausted from his long flight from New York City, he immediately proceeds to the elevator.

There, he is greeted by the jolly elevator attendant with a huge smile. “Good day, Sir. Need a lift?”

“Lift?” Mr. Jones asked in amusement.

“Indeed, Sir,” replied the man.

“You mean elevator?” Mr. Jones asked smiling.

The elevator attendant responded, “Well yes, Sir. But here, we call it a lift.”

“You really should call it an elevator, you know? Because as it was invented in our country, it’s called that way,” Mr. Jones said.

The lift attendant gave him a cheeky response, “I hear you, Sir. But as the language was invented here, we call it a lift.”

 

[Chas]

Two friends had gone on a safari. Ahead they saw a lion.
The first man shot and missed but the lion had not realized where the men were.
The second guy shot too. He missed too.
This time the lion realized where the men were, and moved towards them.
One of the men immediately took off his boots and put on trainers.
The other man;
What are you doing, you think you can run faster than the lion?

No, but it’s enough if I can run faster than you.

 

[Chas]

A farmer is talking with a prospective buyer when they see a beautiful pig in the yard, except it has a wooden leg.

The buyer asks, Why the wooden leg?

The farmer replies, That pig is so smart, I let it drive the kids to school.

Great, but why the wooden leg?

The pig is so smart it can herd my sheep.

Amazing! But why the bloody wooden leg?

Well when you have a pig that smart you don't eat it all at once!

 

[Chas]

The baby polar bear went to his father and asked,
-Dad, am I really a polar bear?”
-Of course, why are you asking son?
-Hmmm!
And so he went to his mother and asked,
-Mum, am I really a polar bear?”
-You’re a polar bear.
Again, “Hmmm? …”
The puppy bear went back to his father. He asked again,
-Dad, please tell me the truth, I am not your son.
Father finally said:
-Son, I said to you that you are our son, and why are you asking?



Baby Bear: “Because I’m bloody freezing Dad”

 

[Chas]

The boy asked the old man:

If you could give me just one piece of advice, what would it be?

Ok, son. Remember this: if you have plans to change the world, do it now, while you are single.
Once you are married, you can't even change the TV channel.

 

[Chas]

Two men arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.

Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, ‘Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!

The two look at each other, said OK and swapped sandwiches!

 

[AndycruiserguyLomas]

A weasel walks into a bar..

The bartender says “Wow I’ve never served a weasel before, what can I get ya"?

“Pop” goes the weasel.

 

[Chas]

A weasel walks into a bar..

The bartender says “Wow I’ve never served a weasel before, what can I get ya"?

“Pop” goes the weasel.

Weasel is derived from "weasel and stoat" meaning coat. It was traditional for even poor people to own a suit, which they wore as their 'Sunday Best'. When times were hard they would pawn their suit, or coat, on a Monday and claim it back before Sunday. Hence the term " Pop goes the Weasel"

 

[Shayne]

Helen prompted me to investigate that poem last night by asking whats a weasel . It seem's nobody knows for sure what the song is about though to weasel it is said relates to dandy type fella's fussing over their appearance , pawning items seems to be universally accepted as "pop" .

But the thing that loomed large in my mind while reading all this was the line "half a pound of tuppenny rice half a pound of treacle" ,

I'm inclined to think you could make quite a potent ale out of those ingredient and its a drinking song maybe ?

 

[Michael Montgomery]

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare

 

[Chas]

Helen prompted me to investigate that poem last night by asking whats a weasel . It seem's nobody knows for sure what the song is about though to weasel it is said relates to dandy type fella's fussing over their appearance , pawning items seems to be universally accepted as "pop" .

But the thing that loomed large in my mind while reading all this was the line "half a pound of tuppenny rice half a pound of treacle" ,

I'm inclined to think you could make quite a potent ale out of those ingredient and its a drinking song maybe ?

Weasel is definitely suit the more modern version is Whistle (Weasel) (whistle and flute = suit in Cockney rhyming slang.
You may have a point there Shayne about the drinking connection
There are numerous versions of the rhyme;
Half a pound of twopenny rice,
Half a pound of treacle,
That's the way the money goes
Pop! goes the weasel.

Up and down the City Road
In and out the Eagle (Pub)
That's the way the money goes
Pop! goes the weasel.

But I think the Half a pound of twopenny rice, Half a pound of treacle, refered to the weekly shopping, where it was necessary to 'Pop' (pawn) dad's Sunday suit to pay for the groceries.

There was also a version which went;
Half a pound of twopenny rice,
Half a pound of treacle,
Mix it up and make it nice,
Pop! goes the weasel.
which could be referring to brewing beer.

 

[Chas]

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare

Never underestimate the old-uns.

 

[Pat]

Weasel is definitely suit the more modern version is Whistle (Weasel) (whistle and flute = suit in Cockney rhyming slang.
You may have a point there Shayne about the drinking connection
There are numerous versions of the rhyme;
Half a pound of twopenny rice,
Half a pound of treacle,
That's the way the money goes
Pop! goes the weasel.

Up and down the City Road
In and out the Eagle (Pub)
That's the way the money goes
Pop! goes the weasel.

But I think the Half a pound of twopenny rice, Half a pound of treacle, refered to the weekly shopping, where it was necessary to 'Pop' (pawn) dad's Sunday suit to pay for the groceries.

There was also a version which went;
Half a pound of twopenny rice,
Half a pound of treacle,
Mix it up and make it nice,
Pop! goes the weasel.
which could be referring to brewing beer.

Chas,you are giving me continuing education and I thought I knew it all.Thanks.

 

[Chas]

Chas,you are giving me continuing education and I thought I knew it all.Thanks.

I have to admit Pat most of my 'knowledge' comes from google.

 

[Chas]

An American and his Czechoslovakian friend were out walking in the forest. Suddenly, right in front of them stood a giant grizzly bear. Before they could make a move, the bear pounced and ate the Czech.

The American turned and ran. As he ran he pulled out his cell phone and called the local forest ranger. In no time, an experienced ranger was upon the scene and they headed back to find the man-eating bear.

They neared the site where the man was eaten. They came upon two bears, a male and a female. The ranger asked the American which bear ate his friend. The American replied that it was the male, the bigger of the two.

With that, the fearless ranger pulled out his hunting knife and with one fell swoop, slashed open the belly of the female, and out popped the man’s friend.

“Never believe someone when they say the Czech is in the male!”

 

[clivehorridge]

Oh dear....

 

[Chas]

Two men were playing golf one afternoon when just as they are about to play an important putt on the final hole for the match, a large funeral procession passes by on the road at the side of the golf course.
One of the men stops in mid putt, removes his cap and bows his head in prayer.
The second man retorts, “Gee man, that was really respectful.”

“Well, we had been married for over 25 years!” said the other man.

 

[Chas]

A soft drinks factory has suffered a major leak, flooding a nearby village with thousands of litres of lemonade.

Reports suggest dozens of people have been schwepped away.