Don't like the adverts? Click here to remove them
Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
- Start date
Brilliant Pat 
Joe rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
Joe smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it’s quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe.
Poor Joe breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, “Let’s go in my apartment, I hear someone coming…”
He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Being completely nude, she purrs at him, “What would you say is my best feature?”
The flustered, embarrassed Joe stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, “Oh, it’s got to be your ears!”
She’s astounded! “Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They’re full, don’t sag, and they’re 100% natural! My ass, its firm and doesn’t sag, and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes or scars! Why in heaven’s name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!”
Clearing his throat once again, Joe stammers – “Outside when you said you heard someone coming – that was me.”
Joe smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it’s quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe.
Poor Joe breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, “Let’s go in my apartment, I hear someone coming…”
He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Being completely nude, she purrs at him, “What would you say is my best feature?”
The flustered, embarrassed Joe stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, “Oh, it’s got to be your ears!”
She’s astounded! “Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They’re full, don’t sag, and they’re 100% natural! My ass, its firm and doesn’t sag, and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes or scars! Why in heaven’s name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!”
Clearing his throat once again, Joe stammers – “Outside when you said you heard someone coming – that was me.”
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in.
“OK, follow me,” he said, and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally, he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.
“Yes, yes, yes!” the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy.
“Good,” said the first bat, “Because I didn’t!”
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in.
“OK, follow me,” he said, and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally, he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.
“Yes, yes, yes!” the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy.
“Good,” said the first bat, “Because I didn’t!”
notsodusty
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Aug 28, 2017
- Messages
- 725
- Country Flag
Don't like the adverts? Click here to remove them
- Joined
- Nov 19, 2010
- Messages
- 5,908
- Country Flag
I was on my way out of my top floor office when out of nowhere a dwarf in a balaclava jumped in the lift with a bag of swag screaming "Hahaha, you have no idea what I've just done". Before heading to the ground floor.
A little con descending don't you think?
A little con descending don't you think?
A man walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and sprays scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”
“But why?” asks the man.
“I’m a divorce lawyer!”
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”
“But why?” asks the man.
“I’m a divorce lawyer!”
A young man was driving his BMW down the street, singing to himself, “I love my Beemer.”
Focusing on his car, not his driving he smashed into a tree. He survived, but his car was wrecked. “My car! My car!” he sobbed.
Another driver passing by cried out, “You’re bleeding! Your left arm is gone!”
The young man sobbed again, “My Rolex! My Rolex!”
Focusing on his car, not his driving he smashed into a tree. He survived, but his car was wrecked. “My car! My car!” he sobbed.
Another driver passing by cried out, “You’re bleeding! Your left arm is gone!”
The young man sobbed again, “My Rolex! My Rolex!”
Different version of a previous joke.
Two dwarfs out on the pull, manage to score and take two woman home. Dwarf one has a case of limp-dick so he can’t get it up and to make matters worse, all night he can hear dwarf two saying “right, here I come again… 1…2…3 uuhhhh”.
Next morning, dwarf one says to dwarf two, “how humiliating! I couldn’t even get an erection”.
Dwarf two says, “You think that’s bad… I couldn’t even get on the ****ing bed”!
So the next night – the dwarf goes back to the woman from the night before except this time he’s carrying a little suitcase.
As the woman lies back on the bed, preparing herself for a bit of a quiet night, the dwarf opens his suitcase and takes out four little peices of coiled spring.
He attaches one each to his feet and one each to his hands. Standing up, slightly unsteadily, he bounces first up onto the bed and then onto the awaiting woman. Up and down, up and down he goes until finally the pair climax in a shower of bodily fluids.
As they smoke a post-coital cigarette, the woman turns to the dwarf and says “Wow, little fella, that was the most amazing sex I’ve ever experienced! But a somewhat unusual technique. What do you call it?”
“Well, its a german method” replies the dwarf, ” It’s four-sprung-dwarf-technique
Two dwarfs out on the pull, manage to score and take two woman home. Dwarf one has a case of limp-dick so he can’t get it up and to make matters worse, all night he can hear dwarf two saying “right, here I come again… 1…2…3 uuhhhh”.
Next morning, dwarf one says to dwarf two, “how humiliating! I couldn’t even get an erection”.
Dwarf two says, “You think that’s bad… I couldn’t even get on the ****ing bed”!
So the next night – the dwarf goes back to the woman from the night before except this time he’s carrying a little suitcase.
As the woman lies back on the bed, preparing herself for a bit of a quiet night, the dwarf opens his suitcase and takes out four little peices of coiled spring.
He attaches one each to his feet and one each to his hands. Standing up, slightly unsteadily, he bounces first up onto the bed and then onto the awaiting woman. Up and down, up and down he goes until finally the pair climax in a shower of bodily fluids.
As they smoke a post-coital cigarette, the woman turns to the dwarf and says “Wow, little fella, that was the most amazing sex I’ve ever experienced! But a somewhat unusual technique. What do you call it?”
“Well, its a german method” replies the dwarf, ” It’s four-sprung-dwarf-technique
- Joined
- Nov 19, 2010
- Messages
- 5,908
- Country Flag
I was at the hospital today and it's unbelievable how long you have to wait in the casualty department to see someone.
The bloke sat next to me was waiting for treatment for musket wounds.
The bloke sat next to me was waiting for treatment for musket wounds.
Lester is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks Have you got the time
Lester sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist.
It's a quarter to six, he says.
Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch! exclaims the stranger.
Lester brightens a little.
Yeah, it's not bad.
Check this out, and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest cities in the world.
He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says
The time is eleven til six in a very West Texas accent.
A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese.
Lester continues I've put in regional accents for each city.
The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.
The stranger is struck dumb with admiration.
That's not all, says Lester. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display.
The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning, explains Lester.
View recede ten, he says, and the display changes to show eastern New York State.
I want to buy this watch! says the stranger.
Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs, says the inventor. But look at this, and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very credible little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far, says the proud inventor.
I've got to have this watch! says the stranger.
No, you don't understand; it's not ready.
I'll give you $1000 for it!
Oh, no, I've already spent more than that in development
I'll give you $5000 for it!
But it's just not ready yet
I'll give you $15,000 for it!
And the stranger pulls out a cheque book.
Lester stops to think.
He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months.
The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him.
Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000.
Take it or leave it.
Lester abruptly makes his decision. OK, he says, and peels off the watch.
They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.
Hey, wait a minute, Lester points to the two huge suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station, Don't forget your batteries.
Lester sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist.
It's a quarter to six, he says.
Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch! exclaims the stranger.
Lester brightens a little.
Yeah, it's not bad.
Check this out, and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest cities in the world.
He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says
The time is eleven til six in a very West Texas accent.
A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese.
Lester continues I've put in regional accents for each city.
The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.
The stranger is struck dumb with admiration.
That's not all, says Lester. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display.
The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning, explains Lester.
View recede ten, he says, and the display changes to show eastern New York State.
I want to buy this watch! says the stranger.
Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs, says the inventor. But look at this, and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very credible little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far, says the proud inventor.
I've got to have this watch! says the stranger.
No, you don't understand; it's not ready.
I'll give you $1000 for it!
Oh, no, I've already spent more than that in development
I'll give you $5000 for it!
But it's just not ready yet
I'll give you $15,000 for it!
And the stranger pulls out a cheque book.
Lester stops to think.
He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months.
The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him.
Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000.
Take it or leave it.
Lester abruptly makes his decision. OK, he says, and peels off the watch.
They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.
Hey, wait a minute, Lester points to the two huge suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station, Don't forget your batteries.
notsodusty
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- Aug 28, 2017
- Messages
- 725
- Country Flag
This is a joke right?
https://melmagazine.com/the-man-try...-longest-time-spent-masturbating-a061601cd8d2
https://melmagazine.com/the-man-try...-longest-time-spent-masturbating-a061601cd8d2
For all those who have had anything to do with sheep. I am sure you can relate to this, well, some of it anyway......
The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams.
He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
"Typical bloody sheep," he thought, "they've got no common sense,
"They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence."
The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.
He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.
He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam
He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam.
The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.
She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.
The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea
But nor was he prepared for what he was about to see.
He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly "Come back here, you lousy bitch!"
The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car
The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!
The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams.
He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
"Typical bloody sheep," he thought, "they've got no common sense,
"They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence."
The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.
He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.
He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam
He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam.
The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.
She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.
The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea
But nor was he prepared for what he was about to see.
He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly "Come back here, you lousy bitch!"
The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car
The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!
