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Jokes
- Thread starter Chas
- Start date
Chas
Well-Known Member
May have been on before. . . . . .
A bus full of Nuns crashes and falls of a cliff and they all die.
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Agustin. He says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven.
In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single line.” And nuns do so.
St. Agustin turns to the first woman in the line and asks her “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?”
Sister Debora responds: “Well… there was this one time… that I just…touched one with the tip of my pinky finger…”
St. Agustin says “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” And she did so.
St. Agustin now turns to the second nun and says “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?”
Barbara replies: “Well…. There was this one time… that I held one for a moment…”
“Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she does so.
Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another!
St. Agustin sees this and asks the Nun “Sister Susanne, why you in hurry? There is no rush!”
Sister Susanne responds “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Barbara sticks her ass in it!”
A bus full of Nuns crashes and falls of a cliff and they all die.
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Agustin. He says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven.
In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single line.” And nuns do so.
St. Agustin turns to the first woman in the line and asks her “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?”
Sister Debora responds: “Well… there was this one time… that I just…touched one with the tip of my pinky finger…”
St. Agustin says “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” And she did so.
St. Agustin now turns to the second nun and says “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?”
Barbara replies: “Well…. There was this one time… that I held one for a moment…”
“Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she does so.
Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another!
St. Agustin sees this and asks the Nun “Sister Susanne, why you in hurry? There is no rush!”
Sister Susanne responds “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Barbara sticks her ass in it!”
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Chas
Well-Known Member
Two nice women Riley and Rikki were playing golf. Rikki teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of guys playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.He directly clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the pitch and proceeded to roll around in agony.
Rikki rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. ‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you would allow me,’ Rikki told him.
‘Oh,no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the guy answered.He was in obvious pain, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. Rikki gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands slowly and carefully inside. She then administered a tender and masterful massage for several long moments and softly asked “How does that feel?”
“Feels wonderful”, he replied;” But I still think my thumb has broken!”
The ball hit one of the men.He directly clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the pitch and proceeded to roll around in agony.
Rikki rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. ‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you would allow me,’ Rikki told him.
‘Oh,no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the guy answered.He was in obvious pain, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. Rikki gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands slowly and carefully inside. She then administered a tender and masterful massage for several long moments and softly asked “How does that feel?”
“Feels wonderful”, he replied;” But I still think my thumb has broken!”
Chas
Well-Known Member
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender says to him, ‘You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.’ The Irishman replies, ‘Well, you see, it's like this, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.
‘The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.
One day, he comes in and just orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. He drinks them both a sip at a time. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, ‘I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.’
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. ‘Oh, no, ‘ he says, ‘Everyone is fine. I’ve just quit drinking!
The bartender says to him, ‘You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.’ The Irishman replies, ‘Well, you see, it's like this, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.
‘The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.
One day, he comes in and just orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. He drinks them both a sip at a time. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, ‘I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.’
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. ‘Oh, no, ‘ he says, ‘Everyone is fine. I’ve just quit drinking!
Chas
Well-Known Member
A young advertisement company employee was in a terrible motorcycle accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
He remained in the company and eventually became an editor-in-chief.
However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Editor was interviewing two Designers and a Office Boy to be an addition to his personal staff.
The first Designer was a Basic Design type and it was a great interview.
At the end of the interview the Editor asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?”
The Young Designer answered, “Why yes. I couldn’t help but notice you are missing your left ear, so I don’t know whether this impacts your hearing on that side.”
The Editor got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, another Designer, when asked this same question, answered, “Well yes, you seem to be short one ear.”
The Editor-in-chief threw him out also.
The third interview was with the Office Boy.
He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Designers put together.
The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.
“Do you notice anything different about me?”
To his surprise the Office Boy said,“Yes. You wear contact lenses.”
The Editor was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful guy. “And how do you know that?” the Editor asked.
The Office Boy replied, “Well sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear.”
He remained in the company and eventually became an editor-in-chief.
However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Editor was interviewing two Designers and a Office Boy to be an addition to his personal staff.
The first Designer was a Basic Design type and it was a great interview.
At the end of the interview the Editor asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?”
The Young Designer answered, “Why yes. I couldn’t help but notice you are missing your left ear, so I don’t know whether this impacts your hearing on that side.”
The Editor got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, another Designer, when asked this same question, answered, “Well yes, you seem to be short one ear.”
The Editor-in-chief threw him out also.
The third interview was with the Office Boy.
He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Designers put together.
The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.
“Do you notice anything different about me?”
To his surprise the Office Boy said,“Yes. You wear contact lenses.”
The Editor was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful guy. “And how do you know that?” the Editor asked.
The Office Boy replied, “Well sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear.”
Chas
Well-Known Member
A man walked into the bar and sat on the chair. He says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender says, “What’s the matter? I think that's too much.”
He replies, “I found out my brother is gay and marrying with my best friend.”
The next day he went to the bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey.
The bartenders asks, “What’s wrong this time?”
He answers, “I found out that my son is gay.”
The next day he went to the bar and orders another 10 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asks, “Doesn’t anyone in your family like women?”
He looks up to the bartender and says, “Apparently my wife does.”
He replies, “I found out my brother is gay and marrying with my best friend.”
The next day he went to the bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey.
The bartenders asks, “What’s wrong this time?”
He answers, “I found out that my son is gay.”
The next day he went to the bar and orders another 10 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asks, “Doesn’t anyone in your family like women?”
He looks up to the bartender and says, “Apparently my wife does.”
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Chas
Well-Known Member
A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could.
When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%.
Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting.”
The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.
I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the exhaust…”
When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%.
Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting.”
The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.
I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the exhaust…”
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A lion, a witch & a wardrobe walk into a bar. The barman takes one look at them & says, "I'm serving Narnia! "
Brian S
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Chas
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I clicked 'like' but I was being kind, sorry Andy.So bad it's very good
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Last night I held a little hand, it made my sad heart sing,
it was the loveliest hand I've ever held;
four aces and a king.
(Benny Hill.)
it was the loveliest hand I've ever held;
four aces and a king.
(Benny Hill.)
Chas
Well-Known Member
Getting better Andy.
Chas
Well-Known Member
The health minister goes to visit a hospital, during a tour she walks into a room to find a man furiously masturbating.
“What on earth is going on here?” She asks.
The doctor quickly explains that the man has a rare condition which fills his balls to bursting and if he doesn’t regularly masturbate they will rupture causing untold pain. The minister accepts this and moves on to the next room where she finds a nurse giving oral sex to another patient.
“How do you explain this then?” The minister demands!
The doctor replies “same condition, except this guys with Bupa.”
“What on earth is going on here?” She asks.
The doctor quickly explains that the man has a rare condition which fills his balls to bursting and if he doesn’t regularly masturbate they will rupture causing untold pain. The minister accepts this and moves on to the next room where she finds a nurse giving oral sex to another patient.
“How do you explain this then?” The minister demands!
The doctor replies “same condition, except this guys with Bupa.”
Chas
Well-Known Member
One day, the perfect couple Miranda and Oscar met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, certainly, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect Porsche along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in trouble. Being the perfect couple, they stopped for help. Amazedly it was Santa Claus.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. They don’t want to disappoint any children on the Christmas Eve, so the perfect couple loaded Santa Claus and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Of course the perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect Porsche along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in trouble. Being the perfect couple, they stopped for help. Amazedly it was Santa Claus.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. They don’t want to disappoint any children on the Christmas Eve, so the perfect couple loaded Santa Claus and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Of course the perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
Chas
Well-Known Member
This elderly lady Brianna goes to the doctor for a checkup.
Everything checks out fine.
Breanna comes closer to the doctor and says in a low voice, “Doctor, I haven’t had sex for ten years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”
The doctor smiles and says, “Have you tried to give him Viagra?”
Brianna frowns. “Doctor, I can’t even get him to take an aspirin when he has a headache,” she claims.
“Well, I see…” The doctor continues, “I have an idea, Crush the pill into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.”
Old lady Breanna is delighted. and she leaves the doctor’s clinic quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returns.
She looks troubled and the doctor asks to her what is wrong.
She shakes her head.
“How did it go?” The doctor asks.
“Awful, doctor, awful.”
“Did it not work?”
“Yes,” Breanna says, “It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in twenty years.”
“Then what is the problem?”
“Well,” she says. “I can’t ever show my face in Starbucks again.”
Everything checks out fine.
Breanna comes closer to the doctor and says in a low voice, “Doctor, I haven’t had sex for ten years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”
The doctor smiles and says, “Have you tried to give him Viagra?”
Brianna frowns. “Doctor, I can’t even get him to take an aspirin when he has a headache,” she claims.
“Well, I see…” The doctor continues, “I have an idea, Crush the pill into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.”
Old lady Breanna is delighted. and she leaves the doctor’s clinic quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returns.
She looks troubled and the doctor asks to her what is wrong.
She shakes her head.
“How did it go?” The doctor asks.
“Awful, doctor, awful.”
“Did it not work?”
“Yes,” Breanna says, “It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in twenty years.”
“Then what is the problem?”
“Well,” she says. “I can’t ever show my face in Starbucks again.”
I think I’ll dedicate this one to my good buddy@Shayne...
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for “improvement” and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that will become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. Similarly, the hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes will be possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for “improvement” and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that will become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. Similarly, the hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes will be possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
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If you’re a hostage and the gunman says “Who shall I shoot first?”
Saying, “It’s WHOM shall I shoot first?” Is maybe not the best answer.
Saying, “It’s WHOM shall I shoot first?” Is maybe not the best answer.
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Some Russian guy has found a cure for the common cold.
Benylin Forchestikov.
Benylin Forchestikov.
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I went to the park with a boomerang yesterday, but couldn’t remember how to throw it.
Then it came back to me.
Then it came back to me.
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My mate used liquorice as bait when he went fishing.
He caught all sorts!
I've just noticed that I'm developing webbed feet!
Waddle I do?...
Despite getting A-level results of A, B, B, A it seems that no employer will take a chance on me.
Shania Twain has announced the birth of her son this morning. 'Choo Choo' was born at 7am weighing 5lb 6oz.
God: How many animals do I have left to make?
Angel: 2
God: How many legs do I have left?
Angel: 100.
Centipede: Dibs!
Snake: You twat!
A lorry carrying a load of snooker equipment has crashed on the M25... The driver is under a rest and the cues go back for miles!
I went to see my doctor the other day, I said "That hemorrhoid cream you prescribed me, I applied it the other day as you directed and I got a very angry reaction."
He asked "Where exactly did you apply it"?
I replied "On my way home on the bus."
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question... It's probably a bird.
My wife and I play trivial pursuit a lot.
It's where she ignores me until I correctly guess what I did wrong.
My wife took up jogging to try and lose weight but it didn't work because she kept running into things.
Mostly restaurants.
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.
Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
The stables have turned.
I went to Cash Converters trying to raise some much needed money for Christmas. They gave me £3200 and they never even took the gun.
You can tell its Sunday afternoon and I'm bored
He caught all sorts!
I've just noticed that I'm developing webbed feet!
Waddle I do?...
Despite getting A-level results of A, B, B, A it seems that no employer will take a chance on me.
Shania Twain has announced the birth of her son this morning. 'Choo Choo' was born at 7am weighing 5lb 6oz.
God: How many animals do I have left to make?
Angel: 2
God: How many legs do I have left?
Angel: 100.
Centipede: Dibs!
Snake: You twat!
A lorry carrying a load of snooker equipment has crashed on the M25... The driver is under a rest and the cues go back for miles!
I went to see my doctor the other day, I said "That hemorrhoid cream you prescribed me, I applied it the other day as you directed and I got a very angry reaction."
He asked "Where exactly did you apply it"?
I replied "On my way home on the bus."
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question... It's probably a bird.
My wife and I play trivial pursuit a lot.
It's where she ignores me until I correctly guess what I did wrong.
My wife took up jogging to try and lose weight but it didn't work because she kept running into things.
Mostly restaurants.
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.
Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
The stables have turned.
I went to Cash Converters trying to raise some much needed money for Christmas. They gave me £3200 and they never even took the gun.
You can tell its Sunday afternoon and I'm bored
