Apr 16, 2010
I met a fairy today who granted me one wish.
"I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."
"Fine," I said, "I want to die when liverpool win the league then."
"You crafty ba**ard" said the fairy.
Pirate: I have some moles on me back, Aaarrr.
Doc: Its Ok, they're benign.
Pirate: Count again, I think there be ten !!!
I bought shares in Starbucks this morning..... ....or a large, as they like to call it !!!
My wife said she didn't need me anymore......
.....so I sneaked into the kitchen and tightened all the lids.
I can only think of three Motown groups.
Possibly four, tops.
It took me days to realise my herb garden had gone, nowhere to be found......
I mean, where does the thyme go?
"I stand corrected." said the man wearing the orthopaedic shoes.
Therapist: "I think you have a marriage phobia. Do you know what the symptoms are?"
Me: "Can't say I do"
Therapist: "That's one of them"
The Mexican Maid:
Asked for a raise.
The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did."
Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
Wife: "And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora....the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much did you want?
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico City.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
"What is that you just served?" he asked the waiter.
"Ah Señor, you have excellent taste!" the waiter replied. "Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
"What the heck, bring me an order."
"I am so sorry Señor," the waiter replied. "There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter.
"These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."
The waiter shrugged his shoulders.
"Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins..."
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
Brian, I think they have both been posted before.
No worries, they give me a chuckle every time...
A man went fishing in the river. After a while he had a bite, and reeled in a large salmon.
"This will be my supper tonight" said the man. Suddenly he heard a voice "Please don't eat me". The man shocked, said "Who said that?" The voice replied "Me, I said it. The fish you are holding".
Totally stunned, the man asked "You can talk?". The Salmon replied, "yes, and I am a very rare breed, the last of my kind. If you eat me there will be no talking salmon left".
..."Do you have a name?" asked the fisherman.
"Yes, I am Rusty" said the fish.
"OK" said the man "what will you do if I let you go?"
"The fish said "I plan to write books about shipwrecks. If you let me go I will give you a signed copy of the first book".
"Deal" said the man, then placed Rusty back in the water.
A few years later the man was at the riverbank fishing, and he had a bite. Reeled in the line and he saw a big salmon hanging there.
"Hello" said the fish, "Good to see you again".
Surprised, the man said "Rusty! How are you? What are you doing here?"
"Well" said the fish "I have finished the first book. It's a book of poems about the shipwreck Titanic. I will give you a signed copy as promised"
"Thank you " said the fisherman. "What's it called?"
The fish replied "Titanic Verses by Salmon Rusty".
I'll get my coat.
Two prawns were swimming in the sea one was called Craig & the other Christian.
They were constantly being threatened by sharks until one day Craig said 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark & then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.' Just then a large Cod appeared & said, 'Your wish is granted' Lo & behold, Craig turned into a shark. Horrified Christian swam away afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed & Craig found life as a shark lonely, all his mates swam away whenever he went close to them.
While swimming one day he saw the mysterious Cod again so he approached the Cod & begged him to change him back & lo & behold, He was turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy Craig swam to his friends, but looking around he realized he couldn't see his old pal. 'Where's Christian?' he asked.
'He's at home, still upset that his best friend changed into a shark'.
Eager to put things right he set off to see Christian. He banged on the door & shouted, 'It's me Craig your old friend, come out & see me again.'
Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me You're a shark.'
Craig cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me,
'I've changed - I've found Cod & now I'm a prawn again Christian'
Are you hiding Chas?
When he was PM Tony Blair would regularly go jogging in St James park round the back of Downing St.
He would sometimes see a certain 'lady of the night' on his travels, she knowing who he was would call "Fancy a good time Dearie? Only £50" he would reply "50p" and laugh, this went on every time he went jogging and got to be a regular occurrence
"£50". "50p" until one day he was walking along with Cherie Blair and there was this old taggy in front, oh my god he thought what will Cherie think if she calls out £50? but she didn't what she did say was
"See that's what you get for 50p"
Nicola Sturgeon, Donald Trump, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes.
When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque....
Next Donald Trump calls the U.S. and talks for 30 minutes.
When he's finished the devil informs him that the cost is 6 million dollars, so Trump writes him a cheque.
Finally Nicola Sturgeon gets her turn and calls Scotland for 4 hours. When she's finished, the devil informed her that there would be no charge and feel free to call Scotland anytime.
Putin and Trump go ballistic and ask the devil why did Nicola Sturgeon got to call Scotland free.
The devil replied, "Since Nicola Sturgeon became First Minister of Scotland, the Country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
Separate names with a comma.