1. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    "Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?"

    " because your mum loves Easter and Teresa is an anagram of Easter"

    "Thanks Dad"

    " No problem Alan"
     
  2. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    A gunman has burst into the Celebrity Big Brother house and shot all of the contestants.

    Victims are yet to be identified, as no one has a clue who they are.
     
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  3. Bungarra

    Bungarra New Member

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    Had a date so I went to a night club the other night to meet her.

    I finally got to the door and the bouncer looked me up and down.

    "You haven't got a tie on, Sorry can't let you in"

    I said, There is no mention of a tie in your adverts and I have come 100 miles for a date!"

    "Dress rules after 7pm Sorry no tie or cravat, no entry."

    So went out to the farm ute I drove in and hunted around. the only thing I could find was a pair of jumper leads.

    So I wrapped them around my neck and tucked them in best I could then rejoined the cue.

    When I got to the door the bouncer looked me up and down for what seemed like an eternity.

    He finally said "Ok you can go in....

    "But don't start anything!"
     
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  4. notsodusty

    notsodusty Well-Known Member I am in australia

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  5. notsodusty

    notsodusty Well-Known Member I am in australia

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    39611423_10156433338392976_1743777509817712640_n.png .......... index (9).gif index (9).gif index (9).gif
     
  6. notsodusty

    notsodusty Well-Known Member I am in australia

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    When I was a young boy, I had a rare disease and had to eat a handful of dirt every day just to stay alive....

    It's a good thing my older brother told me about it really.....
     
  7. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    A pensioner drove his brand new BMW to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

    The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."

    The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!

    The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "...
     
  8. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

    "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

    Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

    Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

    The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

    Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

    She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

    (You're gonna love this.)

    The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

    (You sang it, didn't you? Yeah, I know you did.)
     
  9. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    This season Newcastle United are trying to stop overweight fans from taking their shirts off and standing up to sing at games.

    Fat chants.
     
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  10. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    Up to my usual standard.


    My girlfriend said she'd only marry me if I overcame my ambulance obsession.

    I can't wait to get down on one knee nor knee nor knee nor!
     
  11. stumog

    stumog Well-Known Member I am in england

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    Andy we need a unlike button....
     
  12. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    If you want to start a "Keep em coming/ stop posting em" poll Stu I wouldn't be offended .
     
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  13. clivehorridge

    clivehorridge Well-Known Member Guru I am in romania

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    You keep ‘em comin’ Andy, take no notice mate :lol:

    :clap:

    :clap:

    :clap:
     
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  14. notsodusty

    notsodusty Well-Known Member I am in australia

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    I went to get my hair cut today but there were a heap of people in front of me.
    After an hour the the guy started to hand out hot dogs and burgers as a sorry for the long wait.
    It was the Best Barber Queue ever.
     
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  15. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    Its been announced that the final of this years flicking a ruler on the edge of a desk competition will be held in ( you've guessed it) ......The Dordogne.


    Yes/no????
     
  16. flint

    flint Well-Known Member Supporter I am in great_britain

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    It's often said that the word "icy" is one of the easiest to spell. Looking at it, I see why.
     
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  17. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    Oh dear, a new low.:lol:
     
  18. AndycruiserguyLomas

    AndycruiserguyLomas Well-Known Member I am in england

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    A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.

    The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot.

    'Could you give me some tips?' he asked.

    The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

    'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'

    'Sure will '

    The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

    'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?'

    'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that'll give you a smoother draw'

    'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

    'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

    The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

    'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

    The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

    The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

    'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

    'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

    'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun right up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.
     
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  19. Towpack

    Towpack Well-Known Member I am in england

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    I hear the Pope is a cat lover, a real cataholic.
     
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  20. Shayne

    Shayne Well-Known Member Guru

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    Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is. Her reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

    Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs. Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

    The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?" To this, the mother says, "you shouldn't ask that" and then sends him to his room.

    On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out. The boy looks it over and goes back to his mother saying, "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!!!"
     
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